Thursday, December 15, 2011


Sometimes I feel like when I'm trying to succeed, trying to cross the street from the hood to a better place, there is always ALWAYS someone holding me back. Why in the world would someone want to hold me back, and why in the world would I let them? I have to stop thinking of myself as weak, the real people in my life who love me say. Stop letting people walk all over you! Learn to say "fuck you!" to someone who wants to hurt you..wants to hold you back...wants to see you fail.

There are times where I feel like I can take on the world and do everything that I want to do. Then there are times where I go "this is my fate...I'm meant to stay here, stay put, just do a bunch of nothing with my life".

And yes, this is a's a sober rant, mind you, but it's still a pissed-off-don't-care rant. I'm sick of biting my tongue. I'm sick of feeling like I'm being judged. I'm sick of caring what others think of me. I'm sick of trying to please others when they're not trying to please me. Everything is "You can't" or "we can't" or "you're not thinking realistically"...but isn't life about risks? I know a whole lot of people who never took risks, kept things safe...guess what? They're fucking miserable! I refuse to live my life in these four walls, wondering what could've been! I will take risks for greater gains...I won't be here, wondering what the fuck I could've done with my life if I got over the nerves in my gut and the fear of loneliness and the fear of failure, and the fear of success! Fear has run my life for too long...


Yes, this is a rant, yes, indeed it is a sober I've spent my day going to the gym, planning my daughter's 5th birthday party and thinking about what I'm going to do for this "In Living Color" audition on Tuesday...where I will fucking kill and walk away even more confident...I'm serious, this apartment, this city, this way of life is old news...

And maybe it's the fact that I've lost too many people to bad circumstances and wondering what could've been...maybe it's the fact that everytime I need a favor, no one is's okay if they offer, but if I ask, the answer is always NO when I need someone the most...maybe this a rant towards almost everybody I know, and it's gonna be real awkward if they know I was talking about them, if they even read this blog (which just proves my point just a little bit more)...

I'm sick of being heartbroken over loss. I'm sick of pain. I will try harder. That's what this is about...trying just a bit harder. Be less talk, more actions. Okay, On it...

The rant is done. Now, I'll go have that glass of wine...mama needs to chill the fuck out.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Re-focuzation (is that a word?!)

So when I get to L.A., I have no specific goal. In the past, I had goals and plans, that didn't pan out for some reason or another. This time, I want to just wing it. I want to get there, and just try everything. I want to audition for film, tv, plays, commercials, music videos, whatever. I also want to continue to do web series. You know what, I really like doing web series! I really like the fact that because of Youtube, I can be creative in so many different ways. I think for the next web series, I'm just going to be behind the scenes. I was going to play a small part in the next web series, but instead I think I just want to write/direct and produce. Things with "Local Couple Wins Lottery" seem to be stalled right now, mostly because I don't have a huge amount of time to do what I want to I think once I get to L.A., I just need to refocus. Right now, I'm so focused on getting to L.A., that other things have been taking a back seat. So for the next 2 weeks, I'm re-refocusing, but on Anneka's 5th birthday! We're having a Smurfs birthday party because she loves Smurfette because she has yellow hair, Ani says. Yeah, her favorite color is yellow. Laters.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Adorable...but DANGEROUS

Usually, I wake up in the morning as Bry is leaving for work, get the girls started with some cereal, juice, milk, whatever, then go into the living room to watch a little tv and have a mug of coffee to get through the day. Yes, I said mug, not cup. You need a bunch to deal with three kids on your own the whole day! Well, lately, I've been having these stomach problems that keep me from having that amount of caffeine first thing in the morning! It's like, if I have coffee in the morning, my stomach will start hurting a short amount of time later...and yes, I have a doctor's appointment to check up on it, but still! So I've offset it by drinking a small amount of caffeine here and there throughout the day, with food. And I've been trying to eat foods that will give me energy, especially since I haven't really been eating meat. Everything seems to make my stomach hurt lately! Family think it's the stress of the move, working on the web series, the kids, etc. etc.

I'm trying not to think too much of it, because, obviously, it could just be acid reflux, which seems to run in my family and I'll just have to take Zantac or something everyday. But stressing about if stress is causing my stomach pain doesn't sound like a good idea, right?? And usually I'm fine with energy, especially lately as long as I'm eating small amounts of food throughout the day while taking care of the kids, doing housework, writing, etc. I've been eating a lot of apples, oatmeal, yogurt, cereal, just things that don't hurt my stomach. And it gives me a pretty good amount of energy throughout the day. But now, it's 10:30 at night, and I'm BEAT! I feel like someone whooped my ass! Seriously! And yes, that's accurate, because my kids hurt me all day!

I went to kiss Laila yesterday, and she turned her head quickly and somehow my lip got caught in her teeth! How the hell does that happen?! She's 2, she doesn't realize what she did, I'm yelling "Ow! Oh my God!" and checking for blood. She giggled and ran off, not realizing what just happened. Anneka, who's almost 5, came over to see about me. There was no blood. Oh, and this happened last month too...but with Mia! And speaking of Mia, her hands swung around while playing today and slapped me across my face! Again, completely accidental, but DAMN!

I have been head-butted in the nose (thought my nose was broken), busted in the teeth (thought my tooth was knocked out!), knocked down (the twins like to run at me at the same time), kicked, spit on...and that's on top of the typical mommy things I have to deal with! I mean, are these kids conspiring to kill me?? They want mommy in a home before the age of 40? Help!

These twins are so rough! They're girls, 2 1/2, adorable, real girly when it comes to dresses and shoes and playing with dolls...Mia cries if you don't put a dress on her! But then they're like 2 little boys...knocking into me, throwing things, climbing on things. And they're really good kids...they'll stop if you tell them to, they don't mettle with everything in the house, they don't intentionally hit and real tantrums...they're just rough and tumble little girls! Adorable...but dangerous!

Aww...I know I complain about them...but I love them so! All three of them make my life so much more awesome. My Ani, Mia, Laila! Totally in love with my

Friday, November 25, 2011

L.A. Soon Enough

So we're not moving until January...which sucks and blows...and makes more sense at the same time. I know it makes more sense to wait until after the holidays, especially considering Anneka turns 5 on Dec. 19th. I really thought we'd be in L.A. Dec. 1st, and we could celebrate her birthday there with my best friend Jontynise and her two kids. This really kinda sucks. I'm trying to look on the bright side of things, by taking an acting workshop or two while I'm still here so when I get out there, I can show the manager I'm going to sign with that I'm on top of things. I'm also going to do two more episodes of "Local Couple Wins Lottery" and do these one-on-one sessions with Jenny Lamb, my acting teacher from Second City. I have a lot to keep me busy over the next month, but keep in mind, soon snow will come and I'll be annoyed. A little over a week ago, I was in L.A. with peep toe heels and a tank top with leggings. That snizz ain't happening here!

I guess I just have to friggin' focus. I'll be in L.A. soon enough. When I get there, I'm going to start work on a new web series, starring my bestie Jontynise Smith! I'll be co-starring in it as her older sister, a stand-up comedian. She plays a young woman who is newly divorced, but is falling in love with a guy who lives in her building and her sister is trying to talk her out of going straight from a marriage to a relationship. It's called "With Haste". I've only written episode ideas, no actual scripts yet. That's soon to come. I'm trying to figure out if I'll sign a SAG agreement, because then it'll make Jontynise SAG eligible, and I'm already SAG eligible, so I have to figure that out.

By the way, today I met a chick at my local Starbucks who looked like an actress! She was actress gorgeous! I gave her my card, telling her I was a producer. I think it sounded weird. Hope she didn't think I was trying to pick up on her...I didn't tell her she was gorgeous! I just told her she looked like an actress! I was with Bry anyway...unless she thought we were one of those swinging couples! OMG...

You know you love me...
Angelina Grace

(all you Gossip Girl fans will get why I just signed this like that...haha!)

Saturday, November 19, 2011

My Love for Natalie Wood

All of this Natalie Wood news is really bothering me. Natalie Wood is part of the reason why I became an actress. As a little girl, my mother showed me "West Side Story" and "Rebel Without a Cause" and I wanted to  see more of her films, so my mother showed me "Love With the Proper Stranger", which solidified my adoration of her.  To this day, "Stranger" is one of my favorite films of all time.

But one must understand where the upset comes from. Almost the entire time I've been alive, I knew Natalie was dead. She died when I was a baby. I was born that February, she died in November. So, at some point, we were alive at the same time, so unfortunately, no, I guess it's impossible for me to be the reincarnation of her...but all jokes aside, all of this news of reopening her case is almost like I have to deal with her death! I watched Inside Edition yesterday, and after all of the news of Regis' last day on the air, the news shifted to the depressing story of Natalie's death...and they showed news footage from 1981 of the body bag that held her body. It fucked me up! It felt like dealing with Selena's death all over again.

And it's so sad to have to deal with the death of someone who inspires you, the reason why you dream of greater things...just last week I was in Hollywood, at Grauman's Chinese theater, putting my hands in Natalie's handprints. It was surreal. I felt her presence! It was amazing! I wanted to thank her for being so amazing and giving me these dreams of being an actress and thinking that it was possible to be like her, so adored, so respected. And then seeing her star on the walk of fame, of course, I had to take a picture with it! And now, I come home, to the reality of packing and being more than 3000 miles away from the place I belong, and I'm sidetracked by all of this news of her death! It feels almost like she just died!

What is also weird is, I always, to some extent, felt like Natalie belonged to me! I know that sounds mad crazy, but when you ask people who their favorite classic Hollywood actresses are, they never really say Natalie Wood! Not everyone in the world knows who she is! People usually say Marilyn Monroe or Audrey one ever says Natalie Wood! But me! And my auntie Carolyn, who said she cried when she found out Natalie died. She was old enough to have dealt with her death in 1981. I feel like I have to deal with it now.

So in the meantime, while packing and preparing to move, I'm going to watch "Rebel" and "West Side Story" and teach my daughters about who she was and why she was amazing. And I'll shed a tear or two, and always think of her when I'm dreaming of someday being a classic Hollywood actress.

On a side note, my Auntie Martha says I remind her of Natalie because we both always wear too much eye make-up. She says we both have such pretty eyes, we shouldn't wear such thick black eyeliner! Auntie Martha is hilarious, right?!


Sunday, November 13, 2011

I Went Hollywood Tonight

So I was afraid to fly...did it! I really was. Bry dropped me off at the airport, and I was seriously like "Oh my God...why did I think this was a good idea?" And then I meet this guy, much older than me, who was more afraid to fly than I was! He told me he's flown before, but it's been 25 years. I haven't flown for 15 years, and never by myself. So I'm thinking "maybe I shouldn't be talking to someone who is more afraid than I am..." but then I realized that talking to him actually calmed me down. I was telling him "We're going to be okay...we'll get there safely" and my need to nurture and mommy made me jump into "care" mode. I was able to suck it up and made him feel better. It also helped that the woman sitting next to us was used to flying and it was no big deal to her, but she wasn't laughing at us or anything...I mean, maybe she did later to her friends! I even made that joke to her!

But nonetheless, I made it to L.A. safely and I'm so happy that I didn't chicken out and call off the trip...not that I would have! I made it here, safe and sound, and I'm staying with the best friend person, Jontynise. I've had such an adventure so far, and I've only been here 2 days! I've been all over Hollywood, partially in the valley, and even to Orange County! And, I've been up in the Hollywood Hills! I'll post pictures on here at some point, but in the meantime, you can go to my facebook page: if you want to see the whole arsenal of my Hollywood far. I am determined to get closer to the damn Hollywood sign, especially considering that they don't let people touch the sign, from fears of suicides and graffiti, but you can get close enough to get a real clear pic...I wanna do that before I go home.

Meanwhile, I'm missing my 3 babies like crazy! I miss their little chubby cheeks and the way Mia says "yesh" instead of "yes" and the way Laila whines for her BearBear. I miss how Ani talks with her hands like me and asks me questions back to back. I also miss my big ass tv and watching "Gossip Girl" with the incomparable Penn Badgley on Netflix. Oh well. 2 more days. I think Bry really misses me too. He just texted me to say good-night. I miss him too.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

On cable, you can say the word 'shit'!

Halloween was so much fun with my girls. We went around the neighborhood, with the girls dressed as Lalaloopsy dolls! The older people didn't get it, seeing as how they're relatively new dolls, but the younger kids got it! They only released 3 different costumes, so having 3 daughters worked out well, huh? Funnier yet, yes, I collect the Lalaloopsy dolls myself, and Mia has one doll, Laila has one doll, Ani has 3, and I have 5! That's sad, isn't it? I should probably stop writing this. I should probably delete that. Ah, fuck it!

So I'll be in L.A. in a little over a week to find an apartment! Did I mention I've never been to L.A.?? I've seriously been obsessed with the idea of moving out there since I was a teenager! Actually, maybe even before that! Remember the movie "My Girl 2", when Vada went out to L.A. to stay with her uncle from the first one so she could find out more about her mother, who died during childbirth? Yeah, I'm pretty sure very few people remember that film. Anyway, I think that movie may have started my obsession with L.A. I have odd things that inspired me. I first decided to write a film because of an episode of "Degrassi"...yes, the original show. The episode where Lucy made a horror film for a class project. I then wrote my own. True story. Stop judging me!

Anyway, I'm going out there with a brand-new written pilot episode for "Local Couple Wins Lottery"! I wrote a whole 22-minute episode that I want to shop around to networks. I'm hoping for ABC, but I would really love a cable network. On cable, you can say the word "shit". No lie.

So I'm going to meet with my cast before I go to L.A., let them know what's going on and make sure everyone is still down, though they've already told me they are. Oh! I also edited all 4 parts together for a film festival! I just submitted it, and I won't know their decision until Dec. 15th...biting my nails!

And if you haven't already, visit my Youtube channel so you can watch all 4 episodes! And watch my short snippet of a song I've been working on with Bry called "Stupid Fucking Heart"! I'm going to go work on it again after I put Ani to bed. Since the girls share a room, I put the twins to bed first, then Ani goes to bed about half an hour later, after the twins are asleep. If I put them all to bed at the same time, Ani keeps them up. It's frustrating. But it works for now. This totally won't be a problem when I have a Hollywood Hills home. For realsies. Ani needs her own bedroom.


Friday, October 28, 2011

A Temporary Lack of Focus

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me lately. I've been seriously lacking focus, which is funny because I'm always telling other people to focus!

And then the last few days, I've been feeling overly tired and light-headed. I don't know what the deal is with that, but I made myself a doctor's appointment just to make sure I'm all good before I fly to L.A. on November 12th. It would suck to be feeling this way while on the way to, or while in L.A. I'm going there to get a lot done in a small amount of time, so I need to be feeling a-ok!

With the lacking of focus, I think I've been trying to do too much, so it feels like I'm just bouncing all over the place. I'm starting to think I don't have time to actually do any real work while still here in Chicago. I only have a month before we move to L.A. and there is so much to do. I'm trying to find an apartment, looking online, calling places, and then trying to pack while my daughters keep throwing toys in the boxes I put together for packing! It's frustrating! Can I put them in daycare just so I can pack?!

But, thank God, my aunt will be here this weekend, so I kinda get a break. Yes, I have to make breakfast for one more person this weekend, but she usually buys dinner from a restaurant, so that's a total score! And on top of that, I can go "I'm going to the mall to look at shoes, do you mind watching the kids for a few hours?" and she goes "That's fine". Score!

But all I've been thinking about is, "what am I going to do once I get to L.A.?" The talent manager I'm meeting  with, Michele, thinks I should try to get myself some acting work to put more on my resume, and get into a good acting class, like the Margie Haber studio. I just can't wait to get there! There are a bunch of options. It's literally been keeping me up at night, all of the things that are going on right now. Yoga and meditation before bed? Yeah, that sounds like a plan. I shall try that tonight! It's worked before, so I'll try it again.


Sunday, October 23, 2011

I can join SAG now!!!

So I found out a few days ago that I am now eligible to join the Screen Actors Guild! It's amazing, considering that I've been out there, working on and off as an actress since I was 16! It feels so amazing to say that I can join, as soon as I have the $2277!

But in the meantime, I'm taking "Local Couple Wins Lottery" to the festivals! I'm actually entering it into a festival in the next few days, and then all of us will get IMDB credit for it, and  hopefully get chosen by the festival for screening!

I've been so busy, with packing and editing and looking up fests, and trying to figure out what acting school I'm going to in L.A. Oh, and of course, apartment hunting online! So I fly to L.A. on November 12th and I'll be staying with the bestie, Jontynise, the whole time I'm there. I already have a meeting with a talent manager, who is also interested in signing my 3 lovely daughters. She thinks she can get them a decent amount of work out there. Especially the twins, because twins are in such high demand because they can get more done with 2 kids working at different times. One 2 year old can only work so long, legally.

I just can't help but to think about the in L.A., writing and producing my own stuff. It's really starting to hit me that all of this is going on! And I'm too excited! And I've been so driven lately! I even wrote a song the other night...with the help of Bry, but I wrote the lyrics and came up with a melody, and he started playing on his guitar, and I was able to match the melody on my guitar. What's interesting is, I don't regularly play guitar! I have an acoustic guitar, a good one, that I barely play. Hell, my daughters play my guitar more than I do! It's just this creative energy around me...the energy of hopes and dreams coming to fruition...that shit is gold. Wish I could bottle it!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Tragic Tendencies

Tragic tendencies
Is it considered tragedy when you create them yourself
Teach me not to think
Teach me not to believe
I’ll teach you not to breathe
Breathing is so shallow
We all do it in vain
What should I even scream for?
This love is so shallow
No depth, all delusion
Illustrated to a point
A point of overcoming erase
Believe in what you want
Instead of what this is
I want to breathe into you
Release this from inside of me
Feel that you need me
Just as much as I need you to breathe
And overcoming this hell
And going out of our minds
The days are coming
All of it is coming
Are you ready for it
And are you ready to feel it more
I prayed for it
No matter how unimportant I felt
I always felt important to you
From the moment our eyes met
And our fingers touched
It was a reason to be
And a reason to see.

Film Writing Playlist

So, each week I'm in a totally different mood, based on what's going on in my life. This week, I've been studying French films because I really want to write a kind of French film noir, but in English. I've gone to Netflix to watch some French subtitled films. I saw things similar when I was in film school at Columbia. Anyway, when I write dramatic pieces, I usually assign a soundtrack to it, by creating a playlist through Itunes. This is the playlist I've been listening to while writing:

Dido - Here With Me
Florence and the Machine - Cosmic Love
Tegan & Sara - The Cure
Eisley - I Wish
Best Coast - Our Deal
Fiona Apple - O'Sailor
Tori Amos - Carbon
Duncan Sheik - Wishful Thinking
Frou Frou - Let Go
Maria Mena - This Bottle of Wine
Rachel Yamagata - Worn Me Down
The Gathering - When the Sun Hits

Thursday, October 13, 2011

An Obsession with Words...and Arthur Rimbaud

I once saw a film called "Total Eclipse", around the time I was obsessed with Leonardo DiCaprio (and I still might be...who are you to judge, huh?)...nevertheless, I had to see every film he was ever in at the time. So I stayed up late one night, as a teen, and watched the film on cable. It changed my life. It was panned by critics, but it changed my life. After seeing the tortured life of this gifted poet played out on screen by this amazingly talented actor, I started writing poetry, and my life became more about Arthur Rimbaud than of Leonardo Dicaprio. He inspired songs and poetry and love in me that I did not know existed. Rimbaud made me realize that words that come from you can change you. And there are days where I am obsessed with certain words and feel the need to get them out and spend hours writing. It's because of Rimbaud, probably my greatest poetic inspiration...

The poem that changed the way I write and inspired my song "Words to a Page" and my poem "My Cracked Boots"...

My Bohemia (Fantasy)

And so I went, hands thrust in torn pockets.
My coat was more idea than fact.
Beneath the sky – my Muse, my liege- I went;
Oh my what dreams of splendid loves I had!
My one and only trousers were hugely holed
Starry-eyed Tom Thumb, I strewed my path
With verse. I laid my head at Great Bear Inn
My stars swished softly in the sky
And, seated on roadsides, I heard them
On lovely evenings in September, feeling dew
Drop on my face, like invigorating wine;
And rhyming verse among the phantom shadows,
I harp on the laces of  my wounded boots,
One foot by my heart.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Afraid to Fly

I'm tired and trying to work. Lately, I think I always feel sleepy. Perhaps not enough coffee? Probably not. I am super busy, that's part of it. Even when I'm not filming the web series, I'm at home working on it WHILE trying to take care of 3 kids WHILE Bry is at work. It's exhausting! Any supermommy knows that! I don't understand how single moms do it! I love that moment when Bry texts me "I'm on my way home"! That's when I breathe a sigh of relief, cause I know I can go eat, watch tv or take a nap. During the day, it's all about Elmo and Dora. lol

I'm planning a trip to L.A. to look at apartments and meet with this talent manager who may want to sign me and the girls. It's nerve-wrecking, especially because I feel so close to all I ever dreamed of. My mother said she knew I would be famous someday, but seriously, this is the first time in my life I actually feel confident that I can do all of this. My extra drive probably has a lot to do with the kids. I mean, I went to film school before I had babies, but I always strayed from my path. I got side-tracked very easily. When I met Bry, I started ditching school! That was stupid! I could've had my degree! And it's not like he was telling me to ditch school...but anyway, I'm just glad I'm finally on track and that's where I'm going to stay.

But...there's one small, tiny, tinsey little issue...I'm afraid to fly! Yes, I have flown before, but I was 15! I have not flown since September 11th! The last time I flew, it was 1996! I went to Disney World with my mom, mom's best friend and her daughter, my best friend, and her little brother. It was more exciting than scary. I've seen way more since then! Not only Sept.11th, but I watch Inside Edition every day! That show teaches me that anything that can happen, will happen, and it will happen to me! Not to diss the show, because I am addicted to it, but it really does make me more fearful of everything. Perhaps I shouldn't watch it anymore?!

Also, I  have way more of a reason to live now! I have 3 daughters! The idea of doing something risky and end up dying and not being around for them, that's what scares me shitless! And...being away from them for 4 days? How in the hell am I going to live without them for that long?? I'm so driven, I'm not going to talk myself out of it. I'm not going to go 'I'm scared, I'm not going to L.A.', but geez, it's gonna be hard!

Okay, back to editing Episode 4! I just needed to vent!

Saturday, October 8, 2011

"Local Couple Wins Lottery" Episode Spoilers!

Filming episode 4 tomorrow! Which is cool and sucks at the same time, because I only signed up to do 4 episodes. I truthfully started thinking 4 episodes would be too much before I started. I felt a lot of anxiety in the days leading up to filming episode 1. I'd never taken on a project like this, and of course, I started questioning if I could do it. During the process, though, I became more confident and started thinking this is something I should be doing more of. I even thought that 4 episodes would be really time-consuming and I was thinking I wanted to spend time doing stand-up and auditioning for other projects. Now I'm thinking, there's no rush, obviously, and I should have signed on to do more episodes. I mean, the sky is the limit! Youtube doesn't cancel web series!

So since I signed the SAG signatory papers for just 4 episodes, they gave me a huge amount of time to get them done before I would have to sign more papers. The contract actually expires in August 2014! I would have had 3 years to finish 4 episodes. So I figured, screw it! I'll sign some new signatory papers and put way more episodes on there...just how many, I wonder?

Tonight, before my husband took my aunt home, she was questioning where I want the series to go. What will be the evolution of the characters, etc. I told her that I'm trying to stay away from the things that Roseanne did on her show when her and her family won the lottery. I don't want it to be a rip-off of the last season of Roseanne, where we go to some out-there spa and the husband goes to California and cheats on his wife. Right now, I'm thinking, Jake & Michelle's biggest dilemma is where they're going to live, and how to come to a middle ground between excess and whatever the hell the opposite of excess is.

I've come up with some great episode ideas, also! Should I mention what's to come? Okay...I'll give a few spoilers...

Jake & Michelle start discussing whether or not they should have a baby...Mike becomes a reality show star after Michelle & Jake turn down the offer to have cameras follow them...Michelle hates the service they're getting at a restaurant, so she buys it just to fire the entire staff.

Uh oh...I've said too much! I've given away a whole season worth of episodes!

That's another thing...I don't have studio big-wigs in my face telling me what to do and telling me how many episodes have been many episodes should I go ahead and sign up for? A regular season is 22 episodes. That's ridic, I'm not doing about like, 10? That could be a full web series season?

Comments appreciated! Thanks!

PS...Re-reading this, I realized I ended a LOT of sentences with prepositions! My aunt the former high school English teacher would shoot me in the ass! Don't tell her about this blog, mm'kay? Thanks!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Episode Two of "LCWL"

So I just realized I never posted episode 2 of "Local Couple Wins Lottery" on my blog! Epic fail. Failure of epic proportions.

Let me just give you a side-note about episode 2..."Mike" is Michelle's brother, who obviously has his own ideas of what he would do if he won a shitload of money. "Mike" is played by my good friend Phillip Nathaniel, whom I met at Second City in Jenny Lamb's acting class. What a great experience that was, considering I had been acting for years, and she taught me so much more on top of that. Phillip, though, is one of those people that you meet and instantly connect with, which I rarely do. He has such an amazing energy! He's from this reality show that came on Vh1 called "Money Hungry", which I had never heard of before meeting him! I have several friends who were like "Yes, I know who that is!" cause they watched the show. I haven't...yet! Nonetheless, we filmed this episode at my mom's house also, which is supposed to be the two main characters' house. We had to keep stopping during filming because so much background noise on the street kept interrupting! I have a shitload of outtakes from that day and bloopers! There was the noisy ass garbage truck, the guy with the leaf blower, and then a school bus pulled up and started unloading elderly passengers, that  I swear, took 4 hours!

Enjoy episode 2, party people! Episode 3 will be released soon, and introduces a new character, "Benny", played by Marcellus Norwood, another Second City alum!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Shooting Episode 3!

I had so much fun shooting episode 3 of "Local Couple Wins Lottery" yesterday! I was kind of nervous all day, trying to figure out how to shoot this thing, and if we were going to make it there on time. We were to begin shooting in the evening, and we had a bunch of things to do before that. Like grocery shopping. Oh, and I hit the gym for an hour that morning. But by the time we got to my mom's house to shoot, I was so tired! I really should have had more coffee! And Marcellus, who plays Benny, got there maybe a minute or two before we did because me and Bry still had to drop off the kids at my Aunt's house down the street.

Joey showed up maybe 10 minutes later and we got to work. Thank God me and Bry had planned out every shot we needed (storyboarding, without the board). We realized it's a little harder to shoot with 3 people, figuring out where everyone is going to stand and where the camera needs to be, but it's also way more fun. I had never worked with Marcellus before, but I'm so glad we found him because he turned out to be hilarious! He was so funny and so consistent with his facial expressions! So when we got home last night and put the kids to bed, Bry hooked up the camera to our living room tv and just watched the raw footage. We watched every take and laughed our asses off! And it got funnier as we got more comfortable! We were even laughing at the way Bry yelled "ACTION!"  and the guys came through the door, talking about God knows what, to find my character, Michelle, standing there. The look on Marcellus and Joey's faces, take after take, just friggin' priceless!

I'm having so much fun shooting this web series! And me, Marcellus & Phillip are so close to becoming SAG eligible! Not Joey, who's had his SAG card since he was a kid! What an amazing story he has! If you Google him, there's stuff about the play he did at Steppenwolf as a kid with Jane Lynch! He's an amazing actor.

Okay, enough about gushing over my actors, however amazing they may be. Mommy duties beckon. Ani's on the desktop computer playing games, Mia is playing my guitar and singing (I'm not kidding...she's 2 and plucking strings and singing 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star'!) And Laila is blow-drying her teddy bear's hair with Ani's toy blow dryer. Hilare!


Sunday, September 25, 2011

Think of Me (poem)

We could be beautiful together
If you chose to make it so
But you don't think
Don't think about me

I could hate the moon
And laugh at the stars
And walk the streets confused
And you still won't think about me

I could die among the thieves
Or lie and cheat and bruise
And cry a million tears
But you won't think of me

While my chest pounds and beats
And the children are asleep
And though I still chose to breathe
You will never think of me.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

More Than Nothing

More new poetry:

"More Than Nothing"

Call me insane
I’ll dye the words into my skin
Just as a reminder of the shit I’m in
Just call me crazy
I’ll call you unfair
Injustice spreads through the world
Like a wildfire in my back yard
The back of my brain knows these things best
As I pull the thoughts from my mind
Praying they make sense in words and phrases
Adjusting to new times and new sounds
Running towards freedom,
Bare feet on gravel and sand
You sleep soundly
So comfortable in your own skin
Mine is dyed and tainted
Relaxing is not a form that I can take
Appreciate the sounds and the smells in the air
And laughter
And a full moon
Is more than nothing
I’m here.

With Armor

I hadn't written poetry in a while...I wrote a chapbook a few years ago that's available on Amazon now, but poetry...well, I have to be struck with some sort of inspiration.'s something:

I don’t care if I’m seen
Or breathe near you
I expect the lesser
Not the greater
Just happy to be near
Or next to you
I’m falling in a circle
Perhaps a pile
At your feet
I know the deal
It’s true to me
And who I wish to be
I falter
I fail
I’m lies and deceit
You’re everything and nothing
As I’m at your feet
And just when it’s safe
I hold my hand to you
You give me strength
As you move in me
With calm
With armor
Within you.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Web Series Shootage!

We filmed two scenes yesterday for my web series "Angelina's Scene". It's a sketch comedy show that I'm going to put on Youtube.

I wrote this 4-part sketch called "Local Couple Wins Lottery". Basically, a young married couple win the lottery, and they haven't even gotten the money yet, and the husband is already spending it. It's really based on the last season of "Roseanne" and an episode of "Martin". And me and my own husband talking about what we would do if we won the lottery. I remember telling him "You would spend all the money before we got a dime!". That's where the idea came from! Lol

But anyway, it was a great experience. For those of you who don't normally read my blog, I've been talking about how I got SAG signatory status to film it so I can use a SAG actor, and on top of that, me and the other actors will become eligible to join the guild! Joining the Screen Actor's Guild really opens up doors for you, so I'm trying to do that as soon as I get to Hollywood!  Besides, I like being a producer! I wrote my first film when I was 8! It was ridiculous, it was called "Deadly High" and looking back on it, it made no sense, but I guess it was impressive for an 8 year old to go around calling herself a screenwriter!

We started filming yesterday, with my husband Brayman behind the camera as the DP (Director of Photography), myself directing and acting, and my friend Phillip Nathaniel, whom I met in acting class at Second City. Phillip was playing my brother who had a long list of ideas of what we should do with the huge lottery payout. I swear, he got there on time (before I did! LOL) and had his lines MEMORIZED! It was so exhilarating hearing him recite words that I wrote from the top of his head. And he made them his own too! What a professional! And he's so much fun. He was on that reality show on VH1 last year called "Money Hungry". He is so ready to have his own show!

And then I filmed with a SAG actor...Joey Ascaridis! He was amazing. Did I say amazing? I mean AMAAHHHZING! He had everything memorized also, and came in there and nailed it! He plays Jake, the guy who wants to spend the money on everything! In real life, if this guy existed, his entire lottery winnings would be gone in a week! He was so funny and at first it was distracting because I was so enthralled with what he did with my words! I felt like I just wanted to watch him act, and not do anything myself! He says he's moving to L.A. sometime next year, so I will definitely use him for another project in the future. I already started thinking about the show Jontynise and I wrote called "Me, You & Josh"! And Phillip, I'm trying to think of other ways to use his talents for my own gain! He has such a great personality!

I'm really looking forward to filming again this Friday. We'll be filming 2 more scenes, parts 3 & 4 with my former acting teacher from Second City, Jenny Lamb. She taught me that I didn't know a damn thing about acting before I took her class! She definitely made me a better actor! And this guy I met through an ad looking for actors from this project,  named Marcellus Norwood. This guy has been working for a while, and went through Second City's acting program himself! Can't wait, can't wait!

I think I'll post a snippet from what we filmed yesterday on Youtube, but I don't want to give it all away, so you'll have to wait until the episodes are fully edited to get the whole caboodle.

Did I just use the word caboodle??


Monday, September 19, 2011

The Black Tina Fey

Filming today!

Truthfully, I didn't think I was nervous, but of course with anything that you're doing and really put your heart and soul into, you just want it to be perfect. There's always that fear of failure in your mind when it's something you want so badly. I want this web series not only to be successful, but I want it to be a stepping stone to something else for me. I even thought about the fact that it's a sketch comedy show, perhaps the people at SNL (Lorne Michaels!) will get wind of it. SNL has been a dream of mine for years! I remember being a little girl in my room late Saturday night and sneaking and turning on my tv when I thought my mom was asleep. And one of my biggest inspirations, Tina Fey, started at Second City, then went on as a writer on SNL, now she has her own show and everyone loves her. I tell people I'm going to be the black Tina Fey!

So while I'm getting my stuff ready to go film at my mom's house and drop off the kids at my aunt's, I'm just thinking about what all could go wrong. I have to get out of that section of my head, the worrier section, and get into the WARRIOR section. You see what I did there? I did a play on words. Worrier/warrior. Lame! LOL

At the end of the day, all will go well, I'm sure. And soon, I'll have this show posted on Youtube, or as Jontynise and I call it "The Tubes of You". And then Lorne Michaels will be hitting up my cell phone and I'll be "Hi Mr. Michaels!" and he'll be all "Don't talk, just, audition, airport, New York, now!" and I'll be all "Laters hubs...I got a business meeting in New York!".

Okay, I'm going to go have my coffee and read over my lines. Why am I having trouble memorizing words I WROTE?!

Monday, September 12, 2011

You're Really Not Kidding??

So my best friend always tells me how funny I am. I sometimes feel confident that I am funny, but when I'm around others, especially people I don't know, I don't feel like that life-of-the-party comedian person. I picture Kevin Hart going around being funny wherever he is. At McDonalds, at Starbucks, at friend's weddings...always funny, right? So why would I think that I could some day be a stand-up comedian? I'm really working on it, thinking about some of my earliest comedic inspirations. I think, honestly, the earliest stand-up shows I could remember seeing on television were Sinbad and Tommy Davidson. My mom would record them off late night HBO and then watch it over and over and over again. Me and my brother could quote the jokes, even if I didn't fully understand each and every joke. My earliest memories of comedy, period, was "I Love Lucy" and Carol Burnett. My mother was a comedy addict. She watched comedy more than anything...other than "The Young and the Restless".

The point I'm getting at here, if there is one, is that comedy is who I am. I don't try to be funny when I'm around my family and friends. I don't feel like I'm always "on". But perhaps it does get out of hand when my 4 1/2 year old daughter says to me "mom, you're really not kidding?" to everything, because I'm so sarcastic and usually kidding. And my kids are hilarious too! I also love that if I call my mom and tell her a joke, she laughs hysterically. It feels awesome to make my family and friends laugh. I can't even imagine how it will feel to make an entire audience of strangers laugh. The way people love Conan, I want people to love me because they were sad and put on my HBO comedy special DVD and laughed their asses off. Or even if they just watch it out of boredom, still, I want to make people laugh!

Watching that 9/11 documentary on CBS, hosted by Robert Deniro, and seeing actual footage of what happened inside of one of the towers after it was hit by the plane...I had to watch "Friends" on Nick at Nite to get some of that imagery out of my head. It didn't work, fully...I did wake up in the middle of the night still thinking about it, but watching comedy, even for just an hour, calmed my mind for a little while. I laughed. I was able to forget, for a small amount of time, that there was evil and sadness and tragedy in the world, every where, even as I type this. Not everyone is happy. Some people will never find true happiness. But if for a short amount of time, I can make people laugh, make people forget just for a moment or two how horrible life can be, then it's worth it. I have to work harder. I need to work harder to contribute. But that's a whole other blog about feeling as if I'm not doing enough all the time, and that's part of the reason I'm an insomniac, but whatever, blah blah blah.

I'm going to go watch "Conan". Every single night at my house is ended watching something funny as hell. Whether it's "Conan" or "Friends". I even watched old Mr. Bean shorts on DVD tonight. Hilar!


Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Mama Wants to Look Rockin'!

So I had this super-uber important phone conversation with a manager who owns her own management company in West Hollywood. I was talking to her about representing me and the girls. It was one of those conversations where I was sure if my phone company dropped the call, I would've called them and screamed for 3 1/2 hours. It's true. I would have. My phone reception acts so shittily in my apartment lately! But the call never dropped, and we talked for about an hour! She gave me so much insight into the business out there, and we talked about how it seems black girls with natural hair get more commercial work out there. I guess it's really "in" to be black nowadays. But if you really think about it, I think there is way more variety in what men fantasize about when it comes to female entertainers and models. Most of the Victoria's Secret models seem to be Brazillian. And a lot of men name Halle Berry, Beyonce, Jennifer Lopez and Kim Kardashian as objects of fantasy. I also like that curvy women get a lot of attention, not just stick thin girls. And nothing against my stick thin girls, cause I love them too, it's just great to have variety.

With that being said, I think I'm going to rock my natural hair for a while. I don't think I've fully gone on to discover all the possibilities. There are so many things I can do with my curly curls! And I'm not joining the league of black girls who say in order to be true to yourself, you can't straighten your hair, because I could change my mood in two weeks and decide to flat iron the shit outta my curly locks (which I love doing...who doesn't love a hot ass flat iron?). I just think that just as there should be more variety in the business (More black and Latino shows on tv please? And ones with substance! Thankx), I like variety in my hair.

Didn't I post something about this already? About hair, looking at my hair like I do jewelry and how wishy-washy I am about this? I'm like The Simpsons, recycling my own ideas!

Nevertheless, I think I'm going to keep my curly hair for the web series! Yay! We're starting work on it already, no longer in pre-production, but in PRODUCTION! Whoaaaa....I even went to different make-up stores with my cousin scouting new things I'd like to try, as I am filming in HD! Even if it is just for YouTube, mama wants to look rockin'!

But that manager, getting back to my first idea, she thought my girls were adorable, especially after watching them on Youtube, and she was giving me advice about what to do once I get there, about staying SAG eligible for a while so I can do some non-union work and put more on my resume, before actually paying to join the union, then I'd be held to only doing union work (which is fine too, but later). So, I'll keep everyone posted! Just a couple of months to Hollywood! Yayers! (lame)


Friday, September 2, 2011

Paranoid Mommy Rant

I'm having a rough day. A really rough day. I'm trying to work on the contracts for the web series, making sure I understand every little bit of information SAG provided for me, while also trying to figure out this move to L.A., and take care of 3 sick little girls, oh, and did I mention I'm sick also?

It's weird how you can have so many days of being on cloud 9, then something pushes you off, sending you tumbling back down to the Earth. To this reality. The reality is...I am still in Chicago, I'm not where I want to be and I don't know how, as of right now, to fight off the "you can't do it" resounding loudly in my head. And I know this is all jibber-jabber, not trying to make a joke, but seriously, people around me will say "Keep your head up" and "you're allowed a bad day". Yes, I'm allowed a bad day, but when you've dealt with a lot of back-to-back bad days, you can't help but to wonder will there be more.

I've been happy, as of late. It hasn't been too hard to stay motivated when it comes to my career. Great things have been happening, but I do have moments of doubt. Can I do it? Will I fail? And I don't believe I'm necessarily fated to do something, or God has a plan for me, because if I were to look at it like that, it would allow me to be lazy. "Well, I'm meant to do this, it'll all work out". I can't rest. I won't stop. I have to look at my dreams like this "This is what I've wanted since I was a child...I have to fight for it". My whole life has been about the fight. People thinking I'm weak, thinking I can't do it. I've had people tell me "what are the odds of you becoming an actress?" or "only so few have the status of Angelina Jolie". I don't need the status of Angelina Jolie. I don't NEED fame. I need to WORK. I want to produce. I want to write. I want to edit. I want to be paid enough to take care of my children and provide them with what they need. I want enough money so they can go to college...and yes, all three will be in college AT THE SAME TIME!

So while people are wondering why I'm not busting my ass to go be somebody's secretary, guess what? That's not going to make me happy, therefore in turn, my kids won't be  happy, and that's not going to pay 3 college tuitions!

And while I'm on the subject of kids. I'm having the working mommy dillema. Putting the kids in daycare to work. This idea scares me shitless, because they were in daycare while I was in beauty school and I missed so many days because all three kept getting sick! So now, I'm terrified everytime it seems like they're getting sick. Right now, it's just stomach upset, but I've been checking their temperatures all day, praying no one has a fever.

Paranoid mommy rant, I know. Hey, I think that's what I'll name this blog post!


Monday, August 29, 2011

Just So Awesome

Today I had a great meeting with the cast members of my new web series "Angelina's Scene". I met these two awesome actors. One will play my husband, and the other one will play my husband's friend. I had this meeting, of sorts, at Starbucks with my hubby, who is co-producing with me. We talked about how all of us are moving to L.A. soon, auditioning, and I gave them pretty much the set-up of how everything was going to go. It was awesome. My mom and aunt watched the girls, so we had a few hours beforehand to walk around Old Town and I got a few minutes of video footage with my HD camera. Then we got home, put the girls to bed, and went back to work. I had to e-mail the SAG Hollywood rep with the SAG actor's information and now, for the next few days, I'm all about storyboarding shots.

Meanwhile, I wish I was in L.A. already. The MTV VMAs was last night, and my bestie texted me that she had a chance to go to an after-party. She said she forgets that she's now there, where these things take place. I can't wait to be there when they hold the Oscars! That's the biggest dream of all, right there. To actually be at the Kodak Theater, there because I'll be nominated! Or even to perform my Oscar-nominated song. Truthfully, I hope I'll be there as a filmmaker and actor. I want to be known as a filmmaker just as much as I want to be known as an actress. Oh, and comedian. Oh, and singer. Oh, and greatest mom ever.

Speaking of my much as I love creating and accomplishing with my art, I look at my daughters and realize they smile 99.9% of the time, and that feels way better. They make me feel like I really am doing something right in the world. My mom and aunt, after watching my girls, always thank ME for bringing them and talk about how much fun they had with Ani, Mia and Laila. That feels awesome too.

And yes, they are knocked out sleep right now. Thanks mom and Auntie Carol!



Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Earthquakes, Tornadoes and Mudslides! Oh my!

There was an earthquake in Colorado, then the Virginia/New York/D.C. area. And of course,  you have the Christians going "God's trying to tell us something" and the hippies going "And no one wanted to listen to Al Gore" and me going "Damn, am I sure I want to move to Cali?!"

I tried to explain what an Earthquake was to my 4 year old daughter and she said "that sounds scary". I didn't tell her the amount of destruction it could cause, I just told her about the floor moving and knocking things over. I guess that's all she needs to know. No point in giving the child nightmares. I figure that I should at least semi-prepare her, considering I was looking up schools in L.A. and there's a "Earthquake Preparedness Kit" fee for enrolling them in school! But in the suburbs of Chicago, where we currently live, when she was in daycare while I was in beauty school, they had "tornado drills". Eh, same thing. Both cause destruction. Both terrifying. But I'm not going to let Earthquakes, mud slides, or any other scary force of nature or man-made crapola scare me out of moving there. That's the dream.

Los Angeles has been the dream since I was like 15. Maybe younger! The bestie and I used to talk about how we were going to move to L.A., get famous, and marry Leonardo Dicaprio and Matt Damon. Then we did the college thing, got married to other dudes, and 5 kids later (between the two of us, obviously) we're embarking on "the dream". She's already out there, and all I can do is plan until November 1st.

So in the meantime, I'm just trying to build this empire from here, in Illinois.

And wildfires. That's not going to keep me here either.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Yeah, Not So Much

This is a "web series" I did with Bry a few years back. This is post-marriage, post Ani, pre-twins. Does that make sense?

We were living in Oak Lawn and this is the ugly-ass couch that used to be my grandmother's, so it had sentimental value...but it was uncomfortable. And old.

Just getting more inspiration for my new web series.


Sunday, August 21, 2011

Comedy Confidence

I have gotten to a point in my life where, if I feel a joke coming, it's physically impossible to hold it in. If I hold in a joke, it hurts my chest. Even if the joke is in poor taste, I can't hold it in. Maybe it's because the people around me think I'm so funny that I always feel like I have to be on, so turning "off" makes no sense to me. There are times when I'm not even trying to make a joke, and my best friend will start laughing hysterically. But sometimes, I think that maybe I'm only funny to her. I mean, we've known each other since infancy, as our moms have been friends since they were kids. So sometimes I go out of my way to make strangers laugh.

If I'm out and about, say, at the mall and I see something funny, I will say it outloud. If one stranger laughs, I've done my job. I want to be at Children's Place one day, point out something funny, make a customer or the clerk laugh, then throw down the kid's clothes I was about to buy and yell "Thank you, Good night"! and leave the store. Yeah, well, maybe not all that, but I love making strangers laugh!

So I've been saying for months that I'm going to this stand-up open mic at this comedy club near my house, and I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it! Am I really that afraid to get on a stage and suck? What if no one laughs? I've performed on stage before, singing with Bry playing guitar. I mean, we used to perform at coffeehouses and clubs all the time from about 2001-2003. Why is it such a big deal now? It's the ridiculous fear of failure. I'm sure if I want to be a full-on stand-up comedian, there will be times where the crowd will think I'm not funny. Should I honestly throw in the towel and say "That crowd didn't think I was funny". No! I'm sure Chris Rock, Roseanne Barr, even Richard Pryor had instances where people didn't think they were funny. They didn't throw in the towel!

I gotta build up this comedy confidence. Working on it!

Peace the fuck out!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Update on my Web Series

I  have been so busy, party people! Not just with the kids and the husband and the moving, but doing pre-production for this web series I created. Now, if you're reading this and you're one of my Twitter followers, you're like "yeah, you've mentioned this, I know! Geez, Angelina!" BUT, if you're not and have no friggin' clue what I'm talking about, here we go...

I created a web series, meaning it's like a tv show, but exclusively for the internet, specifically, Youtube. It's a variety show/talk show/sketch comedy show. It's in the vain of say, Conan. Basically, I talk, do some form of a monologue, have guests, have a sketch, interviews, etc., but instead of being like an hour, it's more like 15 minutes. I start it with the introduction/monologue at the top of the show, segue into a sketch, then some sort of interview with a friend. Not celebrities, but I'm going to just talk to friends or other actors. That's it. And it's supposed to be funny!

So then I took it to the Screen Actors Guild, or SAG if you will, and got all my paperwork in order to get a SAG signatory contract, meaning I can use a SAG actor, someone who already has done work on screen and has joined the guild. With that, then myself and other actors I hire to be on my web series, will become SAG eligible, meaning they can join the guild too. Isn't that amazing? It's called a New Media Contract. Right now, I'm in the process of writing the third episode (already wrote the first two, and there will be four here in Chicago for now).

I'm also talking to actors through e-mail and over the phone. I'm trying to set up a meeting at a Starbucks or something downtown and get started on auditions/rehearsals and the like. I even started on my deferred payment contracts.

Yeah, so, that's why I've been busy! The name of the web series is "Angelina's Scene" (sound familiar) and I'm  doing it in HD party people! Hopefully, this will lead to AMAZING things in the future! I get my SAG card, I'll be considered a SAG producer and actor...maybe I'll get more work and continue to do my own shows. I'm even going to upgrade my equipment next year.

In the meantime, I'm e-mailing and calling apartments in L.A. and trying to figure out when I'm flying out there to check some of them out. I love being busy.


Sunday, August 14, 2011

Who I Used to Be

So it's almost 1 a.m. and I was having a talk with Hubby while drinking Rum and Pepsi and the conversation got too real. I started talking about how things from my past still bother me today, unnecessarily, and how at the age of 30, I should be able to bury things from my past.

I have a habit of questioning and second-guessing myself way too much. I had voice lessons with a vocal coach when I was in college named Clarice, who told me I was always way too hard on myself. If I had trouble hitting a note, I beat myself up over it. When I worked at the Chicago History Museum, I mislabeled an entire box of mugs with the wrong price. When the boss came in and showed me it was incorrect, I was all like "I'm sorry, I didn't mean did I do that? Maybe I'm tired...I'll redo it..." and on and on. It was pathetic. My co-worker Natasha told me "You're way too hard on yourself" and she was right. When I was in Acting 1 at Second City, I watched the other students go up and do their monologues, and had them memorized already, and I was one of three students who didn't have theirs fully memorized and had to look at the paper with it written on it. I was screaming inside of my head, going "Maybe I shouldn't be an actor if I can't even memorize one monologue"...

And fast-forward to today, while I'm drinking (one glass, always), and it's late, and we just finished watching "Salt" with Angelina Jolie and thinking about how I feel like I should've accomplished so much more, considering I've been acting and auditioning since I was 16. (Grammar school productions by Mr. Gleason don't count). At the age of 8, I wrote my first script. It was called "Deadly High", and yes, it had grammatical eras and little things that didn't make sense, and it was 12 pages, but still, I accomplished that at 8! At 6, I had two stories in the school newspaper. I was the youngest ever listed on the school newspaper staff list. I went to meetings! (This was at my first grammar school, Dulles, when I lived in the projects, not Dixon, the grammar school I graduated from, where I was also on the newspaper staff, by the way).

The point in all of this, and for sharing this in a blog is, I'm sick of living in the goddamn past! I have the type of memory where I can put myself back into a certain place easily. I can feel what it felt like, I can remember what it smelled like, I can remember little details like what music I was listening to or what it felt like to be 12...I remember when my brother got into a fight with this guy named Sean on Essex Avenue where we lived, and he had to be taken to the hospital, and a neighbor had to stay with me, and the house smelled like chicken   because we had KFC that night. That's crazy ridiculous! Why can't I just bury that memory??

And I'm not sitting here crying and upset remembering the bad things that happened to me or bad things that I saw. I'm actually quite removed from certain things to a point where I don't bring them up all the time, but sometimes, when I least expect it, a memory creeps up from the depths of my mind and I'm inundated with thoughts and emotions that I just have to shake off. I don't want my kids to know all the struggles that I had as a child, or how I felt completely alone in this world by the age of 10. How my mom couldn't let me continue to practice with the South Shore Drill Team for the Bud Billiken parade because she didn't have bus fare to pick me up after school, so I had to go  home on the school bus at 3:00, like usual. I can't look at my life as "my mom ruined me" or "my life is ruined", because I am only 30.

And as I start a new chapter of my life, trying to put together a webseries and getting back into singing and moving to Los Angeles, I want my past to be just that...the past! One day, maybe I'll tell these stories to my children, so they'll know that mommy came from this to be this...but from now on, I'm not that little girl. That's who I used to be.

Friday, August 12, 2011

That's the dream, homies!

Yeah, so, I'm watching "Torchwood" and I swear, this show is disturbing! I'm only half-paying attention to it, because honestly, I'm on this laptop working, trying to build that Angelina Grace empire! And I've been working it too!

I'm moving to Los Angeles Nov. 1st, so I've been not only on this laptop, looking up apartments and schools and things of the sort, but also been making list after list of agents, managers, casting directors and acting schools. I've been making mad crazy connections on the Twitters (yeah, that's what I call it, just to be different and ridiculous at the same time). Oh, and updating this blog as much as humanly possible.

See, I look at it like this, the more your name is out there, the more people see your headshot, they may be willing to give you a chance. And yes, of course, just because they give you a chance, doesn't mean you can act and have actual talent. They might like your look or whatever, but if you can't act or sing for shit, then that's that. That's why I have to spend just as much time practicing my craft as I do marketing myself.

And that's hard to concentrate on learning lines outloud when you don't have a spare moment in between cutting up somebody's sandwich into 4 squares and pouring milk and juice into cups for these tiny people that I adore.

And that's another thing...always being tired! How in the hell am I supposed to work on "my craft" if I'm too tired? It's so much easier at the end of the day after they are in bed to sit here on the couch and watch "Torchwood" and eat strawberries and blog. So much easier.

On the plus side, I did upload video of a monologue I did from my screenplay "Words to a Page" and a video bio, and me singing the Jeff Buckley song "Morning Theft". It's from months ago, when I was a bit heavier in my body areas, but whatever. It'll do for now. In the meantime, while I'm packing and planning for the move, I'll network my ass off using this computer and my Android phone and then when I get there, I'm starting up at Second City Hollywood. The ultimate goal? To have my own sitcom! I want to be like Roseanne Barr, or even Carol Burnett or Lucille Ball. That's the dream, homies. That be's the dream.

PS...obligatory pic of Kelsey Chavarria from "The Real L Word"...trying to convince her I'm not a stalker fan like her other stalker fans, but I seriously doubt she reads my blog regularly (unless I send her a link).

Kels...why so gorgeous?

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Hair is an Accessory

I don't know how I'm typing right now. I stayed up all night doing my hair...perming, blow-drying, braiding, sewing...yeah, I got my weave again. And I don't want to turn this blog into a whole "black girls should all have their natural hair because" type of thing, I'm just proud of myself of accomplishing such a great task. Not just anyone can sew in a weave! It takes brains and patience and talent! I went to beauty school for 4 months, but they never taught me this! I learned how to do it because my best friend has done mine on and off for the last 2 years. And yes, my mother will argue that I have beautiful hair that's long, and my husband will argue that I look better with my naturally curly hair, but at the end of the day, it's how you feel most beautiful. I can't say what makes me "feel" the most beautiful, because hair to me is an accessory.

My hair is not who I am, it's just a decision I make for a short amount of time. Hair, to me, is like a bracelet. Or earrings. You have your favorite bracelet, but maybe it doesn't go with a certain outfit, or it's a bangle bracelet and it's uncomfortable for the moment. I had my curly ringlets for most of the summer because it was convenient. I have three little kids, I don't have to time, when getting ready to go out of the house, to do 3 little girls hair then popping out a flat iron or blow dryer or all of the above. Convenience drives most of my life right now, while I have little kids. I'll have way more choices once they're older and can do more for themselves.

Hair is fashion to me! I may want a pink skirt today, or blue jeans! Whatever! In beauty school, I learned, it's just hair and there is so much I can do with it. And I love my naturally curly hair, fucking love it, so does my husband, and I like fitting in with my family (as he and my daughters have curly hair too), but sometimes, I like my 18" weave just to be different.

But then I worry about my career in Hollywood. A lot of black girls got long straight weaves. The black chicks you see in commercials now days have my curly hair! But you know what, it's cool. Because I really don't want to fit into anybody's stereotype on what I should do with my hair or not. I got crap last year when I had blue bangs. Yep. Black hair, blue bangs. My friends and husband thought it looked awesome. My mom and aunts weren't feeling it, like when I used bright red hair to do my microbraids years ago. Whatever, man, hair is an accessory. Weave doesn't make me "wannabe white" and curly hair doesn't make me "true to who I am". Besides...the weave isn't white people's's Indian!


Monday, August 8, 2011

Super Bitch on the Edge

L.A...thinking about it, dreaming about it...oh fuck it. I'm sick of dreaming and thinking...I'm ready to taste it! From the smog to the the palm trees (I will literally LICK a palm tree when I get there!), I'm just ready to be there.

And I'll live in a cramped apartment, with hubby and 3 small kids, and we'll get on each other's nerves, and we'll be miserable at night because we'll have to turn down the tv cause the kids are literally sleeping right in the next room...okay, that don't sound too hot. That sounds like suck! Nevertheless, I'm willing to make some sacrifices to be there already.

And I know hubby is right about taking most of our stuff and to have it'll be comfortable for the girls, moving away from the only home they've ever known and away from family members they've been seeing more often lately. I know this, man! It's all about patience, which I have very little of. I have more patience with 2 year olds than I do with his almost 35 year old ass! It's like, I need plans. Yes, even the best laid plans don't get followed to the tee, but I need lists, I need dates, I need that stuff to make it through today.

I'm one of those people who make a bajillion lists, and sometimes, they don't get followed! You ever go through the pain-staking task of writing down everything you need from the store? Like 1)milk 2)eggs 3)bread 4)shaving cream 5)maxi pads....just to get to Wal-Mart and realize you left the damn list at home?! You wasted 10 minutes of your life you'll never get back...then you walk around Wal-Mart three or four times just to get home and realize you forgot the milk? Yeah, I do that all the time. But making lists keep me sane.

My brain is like a box. Some people's brains are like file file certain things under "important" or "unimportant". My brain is filed under "whatever" and "blah". Yes, I have organizational issues. And most of the thoughts are just thrown into the box, just forgoing the entire filing system. So, sometimes it's just easier for me to write stuff down, get it out on paper, look at it, and then I'm like "Oh, okay...there we go". You don't always need the list...but writing the list keeps you sane! It does for me!

So if we had a timetable, a list of dates of when everything needs to be done, you know, finding the apartment, shipping the van, booking the plane tickets, etc., then I wouldn't be all super-bitch on the edge right now, Brayman!

Oh, it's okay. My husband doesn't read this blog. If he did, he would know way too much about me, and seriously, who really needs their husbands knowing their thoughts and how they feel and stuff? #Lame

Sunday, August 7, 2011

It's Only Water

I had fun with my 4 year old princess today. I was in a mood, didn't want to sit in the house, but I didn't want to take the twins anywhere. Hubby was saying "Let's just get out of the house" and I really didn't want to take the twins anywhere. Don't tell them I said this, but they've been real grumpy all week, not taking naps, or taking turns taking naps! One day, Mia naps, Laila stays up, the next day, Laila naps, Mia stays up. You know what that does? That makes for a sleepy mommy, especially because sometimes I would doze off once I got all three of them in the bed. Ani rarely ever naps, but she lays quietly in bed, sometimes drawing on her drawing board, and I can get in maybe 30 minutes of sleep. 30 minutes of sleep sometimes is good enough! A power nap!

So anyway, I come up with the idea of taking just Anneka out, then remembered that Jontynise said she was going to take her kids to the movies to see The Smurfs. I looked up the movie times, then asked Ani if she wanted to have a day where her and I just go and do something. 20 minutes later, she was dressed, I was in the shower, and I got excited!

Keep in mind, I don't know what it's like to have 2 kids, barely remember what it was like to have 1! With her, it's easier, because she's almost 5! She can put on her own shoes, doesn't cry about wanting stuff all the time, and I can have real conversations with. At the same time, I felt guilty. I thought about Mia and Laila, who decided to take naps today, were going to wake up and look for mommy and Ani and find out we went out to have fun without them. Do I honestly have to feel guilt about everything I do?? What is wrong with me? Sometimes I know the guilt is good to have, if you're doing something wrong, guilt keeps you from doing it again, or doing worse! But I felt guilty for just taking Ani to the movies! The twins would not have sat still for the movie, and I know that, but still.

Nonetheless, we had a good time, went to Starbucks, shared a Tazo tea dealy, went to Wal-Mart, played with the toys, saw kitties at Petsmart, then went to the movies. She was awesome. We ate popcorn, drank fruit punch,  hit up the bathroom only to get to the door and realize it was pouring balls outside! So much rain! Drenchy-typed rain! I said to her "It's only water. Like a shower". And made the lady next to me with her daughter laugh. I considered letting her run, but she had on a pretty sun dress with dress shoes and white socks. Yeah, oh, and the parking lot was FLOODED! I had on leggings, a t-shirt, my purse and my pink converse. What did I do? I put her tall, heavy, skinny but size of a 6 year old, self on my hip, told her to look down and put her arms around me, and we went for it. I unlocked the van from a distance with the key remote, and just ran! I got soaked, she got soaked, rain water was all in my eyes and mouth! I threw her into the van, got in behind her, slammed the door closed, and we both started laughing hysterically!

I think I really needed that. Things have been stressful and tense around here. All this dissonance and discord going on in my household about who's doing what and when are we moving and if he really wants to's really stressful. Our lease is up October 31st, so it's time now to be on it. Packing, looking up apartments out there, putting money away...all of that.

But today, we had fun, then I got home and played with the twins and kissed at them and Ani gave both of her sisters big hugs and kisses before bed, which melts my frickin' heart. Best kids in the world.

This blog originally going to be about me finishing The Hunger Games books...but I'm still mourning the end. I mean, I wish there was more to read. It became such a part of my life in the three weeks it took to read all three books. I'll blog about it another time.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Don't Piss Off Someone Semi-Famous!

I got some really great advice from a Hollywood talent manager today. She actually told me based on my headshot and resume, she thinks I'm going to do really well out there. That was great, but I wish she'd wanted to sign me.

November 1st is the move date, and I still have no agent or manager set to go to out there. I mean, it's not the most important thing in the world to have an agent RIGHT NOW, because truthfully, I have an agent here in Chicago who does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for me. It's one of those agencies that sign a bunch of people, charge you fees to be  on their website, and then call you a few times. I sent my agent an e-mail about 2 weeks ago, and I'm yet to hear anything. I told her I was moving to L.A. and asked for advice. Keep in mind, she is also my daughters' agent. She has never sent them on anything. And she was real excited to sign the twins, especially after she met them face to face and saw how cute and friendly they were. Whatevs. On to the next thing.

I'm working on my stand-up again. I'm going to use my communication with Nicole Richie via twitter in my routine for the open mic. I tweeted once "@nicolerichie thinks we shouldn't buy plastic and only buy organic...well @nicolerichie thinks we all have Nicole Richie money". I tweeted that in the morning, then went to Bally's, got my cardio on, then was in the locker room getting my stuff together when I decided to check my phone and realized she'd tweeted me back! She said "There are a lot of wooden toys that can be bought at Target that are reasonably priced". I was like "Oh my God, I've offended someone semi-famous!".

Here's the thing, when I tweeted that, mentioning her as @nicolerichie, I knew there was a chance she would see it. But people with a shitload of followers, especially someone like her, don't have time to look at all of their mentions! She's running businesses, she's got 2 kids, doesn't she have better stuff to do? I did send her a tweet saying I'm sorry if I offended her. Never heard anything back. That got me more followers that day!

But the main reason why I have as many followers as I do now, is because of Rosario Dawson retweeting to her followers to follow me. All based on her kindness, and me mentioning that I met her when I was an extra on "Light it Up". She doesn't remember me, obviously, that was years ago, she'd probably like to forget that movie, and she met a lot of extras on that set, I'm sure. But she retweeted me, and I tried to get her 100,000 followers. I adore her. One of my favorite actresses...or should I think of her as competition?! LOL

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Yeah, so, this weather! What?!

Yeah, so, this weather! What?!

I'm stuck in the house on these "Air Quality Alert" days because I have asthma and the heat and humidity is so bad, it feels like I'm going to have an asthma attack. And then there's the pollen count. I look up the weather on my phone app, and the pollen levels are so bad here in Chicago! I went onto the balcony around 5 am the other morning, thinking the fresh air would help me get back to sleep. Yeah, I ended up with itchy eyes and a sore throat. It made me so angried-up. How can I be productive in my life with itchy, watery eyes, or allergy medicine not covered by my insurance, or allergy meds that make me sleepy?

And then there's my babies. Mia and Laila were born at 34 weeks. Obviously, most twins are born early, but they ended up being in the Neo-natal intensive care unit (NICU) for a week, and Mia needed oxygen for 3-4 of those days. They're lungs were underdeveloped. So everytime there's a change in the weather, where it goes from extremely hot to cold or the other way around, they get sick. When Laila was 6 months old, she ended up with a fever and a really bad respiratory problem. I remember holding her on my lap one morning and realizing that her breathing was labored. I called Bry at work and he came home. By the time he got home, I was panicked because she was wheezing. He drove her to the hospital quickly, and I stayed home with Ani and Mia (all this time later, I still regret not being the one who went with her), and they decided to transfer her to Loyola in Maywood where they had more advanced equipment and doctors for a kid that young.

She was in the hospital for 3 days, with a high fever and trouble breathing. They told us then that this happens with some premature babies whose lungs weren't fully developed. The following year, we were back and forth to the doctor's office because of both babies having breathing issues.

The point of all of this is, I'm scared to be in Chicago when it starts to get cold again! I am completely paranoid and terrified about one of my babies ending up in the hospital again. Ani ended up in the hospital with chest congestion once too. It was the ER and they didn't keep her overnight, except a long stay in the ER. But either way, I'm terrified.

We don't get as sick in the summer, but with that being said, the pollen is a real bother because if we leave the windows open at night, we end up with itchy eyes, sneezing, stuff like that. We're all going to end up on allergy meds, I'm sure.

And now, on top of all of that, the summer is now unbearable. After the blizzard in February, right before my birthday, no less, I promised I would never have to go through that again! We were stuck in the house for a week because of the piled-up snow. It was a literal ghost town. No one could drive up and down the streets (I have video of that I'll put on Youtube at some point). And now the summer is like, everyday, 90 degrees plus, heat advisories, air quality alert days...all this bullshizzary that's making me stay in the house with a 4 year old and two 2 year olds and I'm running out of stuff to do with them! I'm like "what DVD do you wanna watch?" or "You wanna listen to Lady Gaga again?" or "Who wants to play with Play-doh?". I'm bored!

For months I was all "Ugh! I hate you Chicago! Chicago, you've betrayed me once more!" and "How dare you Chicago!" all because of the weather conditions, and thinking of how I want to be a California girl and how I never want to step into snow again...

Then I remembered the feeling of feeling all warm and cozy in your bed on a winter morning and looking outside to the snow. Sitting in the living room with a fuzzy sweater on and drinking hot cocoa. Going out in a hat, scarf, gloves, boots and trudging across the parking lot to your car (which I always start with the remote from the window) and warming up. I kinda like those days of cold and bundling up and feeling cold, then feeling all warm and cozy and safe. The chill in the air right before Christmas and getting into the Christmas spirit with the kids while you put up the tree and realizing it's starting to snow outside. Okay, maybe I'll miss that stuff.

But one thing you have to remember...that first day or two of snow flakes falling, is like "oh, it's not sticking to the ground yet, that's cool" and then the next time it snows "Hey, it's actually accumulating on the ground, it's so pretty" then that next time is all "It's snowing again?! Ugh, I gotta clean off the van in the morning before I drive it!". That time is fucking annoying.


Every day after that first week of snow, is fucking annoying. Maybe after we move to Cali, I'll come back to Chicago just for a week, for Christmas.

I'm out!

Monday, August 1, 2011

Crisis Averted

I'm tired. I ate too much Culver's and found out I'm not going back to school right now. Financial aid wasn't going to give me enough money and I would've had to take way too much money in loans. Not gonna happen. Hubby is going back to school, though. He's working towards his graphic design degree. He's a little over half-way there now. He's going to get enough because he's going to a state school, instead of the private college I was going to go to. When you go to a state school, you get more grants. I'll just wait until I get to California to work on my esthetics career. It only takes 4 months in California! It's only 6 months here in Illinois, which isn't bad either, but I don't plan on being here in 4 months, let alone 6!

Yeah, but my mom and aunt are over. They watched the girls while Bry drove me to the school, then we went to Culver's and go burgers, fries and onion rings. I have to stop eating this crud. No offense towards Culver's, cause they're food is good, and I only eat it once in a while, but still. Not good for ya when you're trying to get an agent in Hollywood! #foodfail

So anyway, enough of this bullshit...the real scoop is, me and the ex-friend are friends again. That's some bullshit calling her 'ex-friend' as we were mad at each other, for like, a week and a half and did the whole talking shit about one another and then started missing each other, then went all gay on each other over the phone with tears and "I love you bitch" and "we're family". It was so gay and so cute. I was all "I'm sorry I said that shit about you". Gay.

So I asked hubby today would he stay married to me if I was gay. He didn't answer the question, fully. He said "if you wanna be with women, fine, but just go through with it". What the hell does that mean? Does that mean "if you're gonna divorce me to be with women, I'd better not see you with some dude?" Yes. That's probably exactly what that means! You'd be okay with me leaving you for a woman, but not another man? He's funny like that. God knows if he was serious! If I popped up gay tomorrow and was like "I'm leaving you for one of the chicks from 'The Real L Word'," would he be all "Oh, okay...tell Kelsey I said hi". Yeah, no. Abso-not-ly! Wow. Did this post delve too deep?!

This post is in honor of Kelsey Chavarria...turning straight women gay since 2011 (Not really. Not really straight anyway.)

Anyway, so, crisis averted. Friend and I are back in love and gay for each other, without the sex. I jumped to conclusions. And I'm sorry.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

That's How I Roll

Went and saw The Wiggles today with the kids and the hubby. Wasn't as bad of a trip as I thought it was going to be. No one peed themself, no one pitched a tantrum, no one got yelled at...except for the hubby when we walked away from the van in the 95 degree temperature and he announces that he left the tickets in the van! What?!

Ani got to high-five Murray (The Wiggle with the red shirt and the guitar), which was pretty cool and he said "hi" to her, and then on the way back to the van, Mia fell and skinned her knee. As any good, paranoid, over-emotional mom would, I almost started crying, sucked it up, then carried her back to the van. She's okay. We're just trying to figure out how to keep her from picking at it.

Anywho...I have nothing interesting to share...other than I wish I was in L.A. right now. Mostly because I'm sick of the heat and humidity. I wish I was at the beach.

I also realized today that in order to have the body I want, I can't just cut back on certain foods and do yoga twice a week...I seriously need to work out a bunch. I need to push myself harder at the gym. I need to do like 1-2 hr workouts. I need to bust my ass! I need to stop fucking around, seriously. Mama needs to focus. I have that written on the dry erase board in my bubble letters...cause that's how I roll.

Haha. I miss blogging. I was about to hashtag this. I was gonna write #stupid. Oh, wait, I just did. Yeah, I'm on the Twitter entirely too much! Yeah, that's what I call it..."The Twitter"...cause that's how I roll!!!

Friday, July 29, 2011

Passing Scenery

Sometimes, life gets so damn crazy, that you have to step back, let go of the anger and the pain and say "what the fuck is really going on here?" Do you also have trouble sometimes stepping out of a situation and seeing what was really going on?

I was mad at a certain somebody for something I thought she did, without a real explanation. Perhaps I jumped to conclusions. There's one thing to constantly accept your family for who they are, but they're your family and that's all there is. No matter where you go, what you do, you don't just dump them because you can't handle them. I haven't spoken to my brother in over a year. Not because I couldn't "handle" him, but because of consistent pain over the years. Someone who is in your life just to upset and hurt, with no real basis. That, I can't handle. But then there are the people who have hurt you, and you've hurt does one grow without acceptance? Running away from every situation can't be the way. I have a friend I haven't spoken to in years, not by my choice, and now that I'm older, I realize that it would be nice to have her around. It would be nice to share my kids with those who had such a major impact on my life growing up. Those people who I think at one time or another genuinely cared about me, and me for them.

This may be just another rambling blog, without enough information to connect the dots, unless you're really close to the situation. My only point may be that, don't jump to conclusions, allow time to heal, and people aren't just "passing scenery" (from that "Foxfire" movie with Angelina Jolie...remember that? That quote was from the first 5 minutes of the film...Hedy Burress is on roller skates in the hallway, the voiceover says that the kids in school are just "passing scenery", something about faces you go pass on your way to a better place, some shit like that) Either way, sorry for the night ramble.

Just thinking about stuff and crap and serious outloud written thoughts. Okay, I'm done! Bye! (exasperatedly)

Getting Rid of the Clutter

Trying to get the money, trying to find cheap plane tickets...trying to get to L.A. sooner than later. I've been going through a lot of stuff and trying to decide if I absolutely NEED everything. The truth is...I don't! I've always  commended myself on not being materialistic. More recently, I've cared a little more about labels, such as Betsey Johnson handbags, wishing for Louboutin heels, things like that, but I don't NEED that stuff.

So I'm going through old containers of crap, literally, some of it is crap! I found old spiral notebooks that had grocery lists written in it! Then I got to some of my old poetry, old song lyrics, old journals...and you know what? I just tossed it all. I went through everything and made sure there wasn't something of value within that stuff. I mean, honestly, all of the "good" song lyrics and poetry have been typed into a computer for ages. I really didn't need to hold on to that rhyming poem I wrote about that guy I liked in high school, did I? I'm all for memories, but at one point do memories start to take over your life?

I've been accused of living in the past. Maybe I do, to some extent? When I'm low, when I feel mistreated, when I feel down, I go back to that place I was in when I was 17 and I felt I wasn't going to amount to anything and I was never going to be loved. Maybe it's time to move on from those memories! Get rid of the old lyrics, poetry, journals, etc., that remind me of a time completely different from now. Now, I'm very loved. At 17, I never thought I was going to be a mom, now I have three kids! It's amazing how much you change in a little over 10 years. I feel like a totally different person, most days.

I certainly did not expect to be the type of person who adored kids and got on the floor and played with them.

Other than that, I have a busy weekend. I'm putting the packing on hold because we have family fun planned for the weekend! Though I am still exhausted from the power outage and thunderstorms from the last two days!