Thursday, December 15, 2011


Sometimes I feel like when I'm trying to succeed, trying to cross the street from the hood to a better place, there is always ALWAYS someone holding me back. Why in the world would someone want to hold me back, and why in the world would I let them? I have to stop thinking of myself as weak, the real people in my life who love me say. Stop letting people walk all over you! Learn to say "fuck you!" to someone who wants to hurt you..wants to hold you back...wants to see you fail.

There are times where I feel like I can take on the world and do everything that I want to do. Then there are times where I go "this is my fate...I'm meant to stay here, stay put, just do a bunch of nothing with my life".

And yes, this is a's a sober rant, mind you, but it's still a pissed-off-don't-care rant. I'm sick of biting my tongue. I'm sick of feeling like I'm being judged. I'm sick of caring what others think of me. I'm sick of trying to please others when they're not trying to please me. Everything is "You can't" or "we can't" or "you're not thinking realistically"...but isn't life about risks? I know a whole lot of people who never took risks, kept things safe...guess what? They're fucking miserable! I refuse to live my life in these four walls, wondering what could've been! I will take risks for greater gains...I won't be here, wondering what the fuck I could've done with my life if I got over the nerves in my gut and the fear of loneliness and the fear of failure, and the fear of success! Fear has run my life for too long...


Yes, this is a rant, yes, indeed it is a sober I've spent my day going to the gym, planning my daughter's 5th birthday party and thinking about what I'm going to do for this "In Living Color" audition on Tuesday...where I will fucking kill and walk away even more confident...I'm serious, this apartment, this city, this way of life is old news...

And maybe it's the fact that I've lost too many people to bad circumstances and wondering what could've been...maybe it's the fact that everytime I need a favor, no one is's okay if they offer, but if I ask, the answer is always NO when I need someone the most...maybe this a rant towards almost everybody I know, and it's gonna be real awkward if they know I was talking about them, if they even read this blog (which just proves my point just a little bit more)...

I'm sick of being heartbroken over loss. I'm sick of pain. I will try harder. That's what this is about...trying just a bit harder. Be less talk, more actions. Okay, On it...

The rant is done. Now, I'll go have that glass of wine...mama needs to chill the fuck out.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Re-focuzation (is that a word?!)

So when I get to L.A., I have no specific goal. In the past, I had goals and plans, that didn't pan out for some reason or another. This time, I want to just wing it. I want to get there, and just try everything. I want to audition for film, tv, plays, commercials, music videos, whatever. I also want to continue to do web series. You know what, I really like doing web series! I really like the fact that because of Youtube, I can be creative in so many different ways. I think for the next web series, I'm just going to be behind the scenes. I was going to play a small part in the next web series, but instead I think I just want to write/direct and produce. Things with "Local Couple Wins Lottery" seem to be stalled right now, mostly because I don't have a huge amount of time to do what I want to I think once I get to L.A., I just need to refocus. Right now, I'm so focused on getting to L.A., that other things have been taking a back seat. So for the next 2 weeks, I'm re-refocusing, but on Anneka's 5th birthday! We're having a Smurfs birthday party because she loves Smurfette because she has yellow hair, Ani says. Yeah, her favorite color is yellow. Laters.