Friday, October 28, 2011

A Temporary Lack of Focus

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me lately. I've been seriously lacking focus, which is funny because I'm always telling other people to focus!

And then the last few days, I've been feeling overly tired and light-headed. I don't know what the deal is with that, but I made myself a doctor's appointment just to make sure I'm all good before I fly to L.A. on November 12th. It would suck to be feeling this way while on the way to, or while in L.A. I'm going there to get a lot done in a small amount of time, so I need to be feeling a-ok!

With the lacking of focus, I think I've been trying to do too much, so it feels like I'm just bouncing all over the place. I'm starting to think I don't have time to actually do any real work while still here in Chicago. I only have a month before we move to L.A. and there is so much to do. I'm trying to find an apartment, looking online, calling places, and then trying to pack while my daughters keep throwing toys in the boxes I put together for packing! It's frustrating! Can I put them in daycare just so I can pack?!

But, thank God, my aunt will be here this weekend, so I kinda get a break. Yes, I have to make breakfast for one more person this weekend, but she usually buys dinner from a restaurant, so that's a total score! And on top of that, I can go "I'm going to the mall to look at shoes, do you mind watching the kids for a few hours?" and she goes "That's fine". Score!

But all I've been thinking about is, "what am I going to do once I get to L.A.?" The talent manager I'm meeting  with, Michele, thinks I should try to get myself some acting work to put more on my resume, and get into a good acting class, like the Margie Haber studio. I just can't wait to get there! There are a bunch of options. It's literally been keeping me up at night, all of the things that are going on right now. Yoga and meditation before bed? Yeah, that sounds like a plan. I shall try that tonight! It's worked before, so I'll try it again.


Sunday, October 23, 2011

I can join SAG now!!!

So I found out a few days ago that I am now eligible to join the Screen Actors Guild! It's amazing, considering that I've been out there, working on and off as an actress since I was 16! It feels so amazing to say that I can join, as soon as I have the $2277!

But in the meantime, I'm taking "Local Couple Wins Lottery" to the festivals! I'm actually entering it into a festival in the next few days, and then all of us will get IMDB credit for it, and  hopefully get chosen by the festival for screening!

I've been so busy, with packing and editing and looking up fests, and trying to figure out what acting school I'm going to in L.A. Oh, and of course, apartment hunting online! So I fly to L.A. on November 12th and I'll be staying with the bestie, Jontynise, the whole time I'm there. I already have a meeting with a talent manager, who is also interested in signing my 3 lovely daughters. She thinks she can get them a decent amount of work out there. Especially the twins, because twins are in such high demand because they can get more done with 2 kids working at different times. One 2 year old can only work so long, legally.

I just can't help but to think about the in L.A., writing and producing my own stuff. It's really starting to hit me that all of this is going on! And I'm too excited! And I've been so driven lately! I even wrote a song the other night...with the help of Bry, but I wrote the lyrics and came up with a melody, and he started playing on his guitar, and I was able to match the melody on my guitar. What's interesting is, I don't regularly play guitar! I have an acoustic guitar, a good one, that I barely play. Hell, my daughters play my guitar more than I do! It's just this creative energy around me...the energy of hopes and dreams coming to fruition...that shit is gold. Wish I could bottle it!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Tragic Tendencies

Tragic tendencies
Is it considered tragedy when you create them yourself
Teach me not to think
Teach me not to believe
I’ll teach you not to breathe
Breathing is so shallow
We all do it in vain
What should I even scream for?
This love is so shallow
No depth, all delusion
Illustrated to a point
A point of overcoming erase
Believe in what you want
Instead of what this is
I want to breathe into you
Release this from inside of me
Feel that you need me
Just as much as I need you to breathe
And overcoming this hell
And going out of our minds
The days are coming
All of it is coming
Are you ready for it
And are you ready to feel it more
I prayed for it
No matter how unimportant I felt
I always felt important to you
From the moment our eyes met
And our fingers touched
It was a reason to be
And a reason to see.

Film Writing Playlist

So, each week I'm in a totally different mood, based on what's going on in my life. This week, I've been studying French films because I really want to write a kind of French film noir, but in English. I've gone to Netflix to watch some French subtitled films. I saw things similar when I was in film school at Columbia. Anyway, when I write dramatic pieces, I usually assign a soundtrack to it, by creating a playlist through Itunes. This is the playlist I've been listening to while writing:

Dido - Here With Me
Florence and the Machine - Cosmic Love
Tegan & Sara - The Cure
Eisley - I Wish
Best Coast - Our Deal
Fiona Apple - O'Sailor
Tori Amos - Carbon
Duncan Sheik - Wishful Thinking
Frou Frou - Let Go
Maria Mena - This Bottle of Wine
Rachel Yamagata - Worn Me Down
The Gathering - When the Sun Hits

Thursday, October 13, 2011

An Obsession with Words...and Arthur Rimbaud

I once saw a film called "Total Eclipse", around the time I was obsessed with Leonardo DiCaprio (and I still might be...who are you to judge, huh?)...nevertheless, I had to see every film he was ever in at the time. So I stayed up late one night, as a teen, and watched the film on cable. It changed my life. It was panned by critics, but it changed my life. After seeing the tortured life of this gifted poet played out on screen by this amazingly talented actor, I started writing poetry, and my life became more about Arthur Rimbaud than of Leonardo Dicaprio. He inspired songs and poetry and love in me that I did not know existed. Rimbaud made me realize that words that come from you can change you. And there are days where I am obsessed with certain words and feel the need to get them out and spend hours writing. It's because of Rimbaud, probably my greatest poetic inspiration...

The poem that changed the way I write and inspired my song "Words to a Page" and my poem "My Cracked Boots"...

My Bohemia (Fantasy)

And so I went, hands thrust in torn pockets.
My coat was more idea than fact.
Beneath the sky – my Muse, my liege- I went;
Oh my what dreams of splendid loves I had!
My one and only trousers were hugely holed
Starry-eyed Tom Thumb, I strewed my path
With verse. I laid my head at Great Bear Inn
My stars swished softly in the sky
And, seated on roadsides, I heard them
On lovely evenings in September, feeling dew
Drop on my face, like invigorating wine;
And rhyming verse among the phantom shadows,
I harp on the laces of  my wounded boots,
One foot by my heart.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Afraid to Fly

I'm tired and trying to work. Lately, I think I always feel sleepy. Perhaps not enough coffee? Probably not. I am super busy, that's part of it. Even when I'm not filming the web series, I'm at home working on it WHILE trying to take care of 3 kids WHILE Bry is at work. It's exhausting! Any supermommy knows that! I don't understand how single moms do it! I love that moment when Bry texts me "I'm on my way home"! That's when I breathe a sigh of relief, cause I know I can go eat, watch tv or take a nap. During the day, it's all about Elmo and Dora. lol

I'm planning a trip to L.A. to look at apartments and meet with this talent manager who may want to sign me and the girls. It's nerve-wrecking, especially because I feel so close to all I ever dreamed of. My mother said she knew I would be famous someday, but seriously, this is the first time in my life I actually feel confident that I can do all of this. My extra drive probably has a lot to do with the kids. I mean, I went to film school before I had babies, but I always strayed from my path. I got side-tracked very easily. When I met Bry, I started ditching school! That was stupid! I could've had my degree! And it's not like he was telling me to ditch school...but anyway, I'm just glad I'm finally on track and that's where I'm going to stay.

But...there's one small, tiny, tinsey little issue...I'm afraid to fly! Yes, I have flown before, but I was 15! I have not flown since September 11th! The last time I flew, it was 1996! I went to Disney World with my mom, mom's best friend and her daughter, my best friend, and her little brother. It was more exciting than scary. I've seen way more since then! Not only Sept.11th, but I watch Inside Edition every day! That show teaches me that anything that can happen, will happen, and it will happen to me! Not to diss the show, because I am addicted to it, but it really does make me more fearful of everything. Perhaps I shouldn't watch it anymore?!

Also, I  have way more of a reason to live now! I have 3 daughters! The idea of doing something risky and end up dying and not being around for them, that's what scares me shitless! And...being away from them for 4 days? How in the hell am I going to live without them for that long?? I'm so driven, I'm not going to talk myself out of it. I'm not going to go 'I'm scared, I'm not going to L.A.', but geez, it's gonna be hard!

Okay, back to editing Episode 4! I just needed to vent!

Saturday, October 8, 2011

"Local Couple Wins Lottery" Episode Spoilers!

Filming episode 4 tomorrow! Which is cool and sucks at the same time, because I only signed up to do 4 episodes. I truthfully started thinking 4 episodes would be too much before I started. I felt a lot of anxiety in the days leading up to filming episode 1. I'd never taken on a project like this, and of course, I started questioning if I could do it. During the process, though, I became more confident and started thinking this is something I should be doing more of. I even thought that 4 episodes would be really time-consuming and I was thinking I wanted to spend time doing stand-up and auditioning for other projects. Now I'm thinking, there's no rush, obviously, and I should have signed on to do more episodes. I mean, the sky is the limit! Youtube doesn't cancel web series!

So since I signed the SAG signatory papers for just 4 episodes, they gave me a huge amount of time to get them done before I would have to sign more papers. The contract actually expires in August 2014! I would have had 3 years to finish 4 episodes. So I figured, screw it! I'll sign some new signatory papers and put way more episodes on there...just how many, I wonder?

Tonight, before my husband took my aunt home, she was questioning where I want the series to go. What will be the evolution of the characters, etc. I told her that I'm trying to stay away from the things that Roseanne did on her show when her and her family won the lottery. I don't want it to be a rip-off of the last season of Roseanne, where we go to some out-there spa and the husband goes to California and cheats on his wife. Right now, I'm thinking, Jake & Michelle's biggest dilemma is where they're going to live, and how to come to a middle ground between excess and whatever the hell the opposite of excess is.

I've come up with some great episode ideas, also! Should I mention what's to come? Okay...I'll give a few spoilers...

Jake & Michelle start discussing whether or not they should have a baby...Mike becomes a reality show star after Michelle & Jake turn down the offer to have cameras follow them...Michelle hates the service they're getting at a restaurant, so she buys it just to fire the entire staff.

Uh oh...I've said too much! I've given away a whole season worth of episodes!

That's another thing...I don't have studio big-wigs in my face telling me what to do and telling me how many episodes have been many episodes should I go ahead and sign up for? A regular season is 22 episodes. That's ridic, I'm not doing about like, 10? That could be a full web series season?

Comments appreciated! Thanks!

PS...Re-reading this, I realized I ended a LOT of sentences with prepositions! My aunt the former high school English teacher would shoot me in the ass! Don't tell her about this blog, mm'kay? Thanks!