Doing My Job

I'm trying to write a quick post here to keep this blog up-to-date, but I probably should've done this while the kids were in school.

Eagle Rock, CA

After I got back from dropping them off at school this morning, I came home thinking "I'm going to get a lot done today" and then I promptly fell asleep on the couch. Don't blame me! I had trouble sleeping last night! The husband was snoring, then I was cold, then I woke up to the horrible smell of a skunk! We had all of our windows open, in every room, and there was a breeze. You can imagine what that smelled like! So I got up and started spraying Febreeze around the house, and then I sprayed too much and then that smell started to bother me!

On the plus side, I got the kids to school earlier than usual so they could sit together in the cafeteria and have breakfast. As long as they're getting to school everyday, I'm doing my job, right?

Anneka before school

On top of that job, besides the obvious things I do around the house, including cooking and being their chauffeur, I also get paid to Tweet and I sell various items on eBay.  That's my job, for now. I'm making money, which is cool, and I actually have a savings account with money in it! This might be too much information, but it's all legit. Don't worry. I'm still working for Inside Edition. They call me when they have a story they want me to look into and report on. That's so much fun. I love being on national tv, especially when people text me or send me messages on Facebook saying "I saw you on tv!". I've probably been on Inside Edition more than 10 times now. I've honestly lost count. And then sometimes my feature is in the weekend edition of the show, and then there are times where my segments are for the website. You can always check the website for some of my videos at InsideEdition.com.

Well, the girls just went in their room to play school. I'll go watch Inside Edition and continue to look for opportunities on the web. I'm looking into taking classes for voiceover acting. I asked a friend, Kevin Michael Richardson about where I should go for training. He does the voice of Cleveland Jr. on The Cleveland Show and Family Guy. I do weird voices around the house for my kids, I might as well be doing it for the masses and getting paid!

Later.

Laila before school

My Therapist Says...

I had this plan to try to blog everyday once the girls were in school, but things don't always go as planned. They are now in their third week of school and this is the first blog I've posted in forever. It's been at least a month since I even looked at this thing. But in my defense, a lot has been going on.

By a "a lot", I really mean "not much". I know. I just contradicted myself. It feels like nothing's been going on, I mean. No job, nothing exciting. I'm not doing any stand-up and tv show appearances. I haven't been on Inside Edition in over a month. Not that they don't want to use me or anything, it's just they haven't needed commentary on certain news stories, except one day last week. They called, but I had such a sore throat that my speaking voice wasn't normal. I was barely squeaking out words so I had to turn them down.

The first week of school, I was a little depressed. My twins started kindergarten and Ani started 2nd grade. It was just a reminder that they are growing up and there was nothing I can do about it. At least when Ani started kindergarten, I had the twins to focus on. Now, no one's at home for me to focus on. Except for me.

I started seeing a therapist. She wants me to focus on me. I'm so used to putting other people first, I've forgotten what I wanted. I've forgotten what I came out here to do before it's too late. Honestly, I never expected to be a mom, but I certainly never saw myself as this over-obsessive "helicopter" parent. I drop them off at school, then stand outside of the gate watching them in their respective lines. I dress all three of them alike everyday. I'm overly worried about if the twins are making friends and if their teacher is paying attention to them.

Focus on me? That's kind of a joke, right? Yes, I now have hours in the day where I can have a full thought uninterrupted, but what else am I supposed to be doing? I've been making money by Tweeting for major brands. I buy stuff cheap then sell them on eBay for profit. That's my business. That's what I've been doing to bring extra money into the house. But I haven't done stand-up in months, I haven't been on any auditions, and I haven't even been keeping up with this blog.

My therapist says I'm too hard on myself. She's right, I know. I put a lot of pressure on myself to do certain things and if I don't succeed, I kick myself when I'm down. This week I've felt much better about things. Last week I was sick and kept the girls home a few days because they were sick too. I spent those days laying around, taking medicine and eating very little. I lost a few pounds. This week, I'm reassessing and making myself "do". I have all of this time to do what I moved my family out here to do. And there's this voice in the back of my head that's sing-songing "Don't screw it  upppp". Well I'm telling that voice to FUCK OFF.

Was this entire post one big, long ramble? See...I'm still being too hard on myself. Don't tell my therapist.

I Almost Didn't Post This

I don't want this to be one of those "I've had a rough week" posts. Yeah, the point in this blog is to share what's going on with me, but how many times can I say "I've had a rough week" before I feel like I'm whining? Besides, at this point, I know it's just a rough week, not a rough month or year or life and I'll be fine in the end. Because I always am.

So this week, yeah, I'm not doing as much. I've been kind of laying low. It's a mixture of doubting myself (again), questioning what the hell I'm doing and being tired and not eating enough. I've never been a stress eater, I've always been a stress under-eater. I had a fall-out with a friend which I completely still don't understand, and one of my other friends hurt himself and it's really bothering me. I mean, this is someone I've known perhaps a little over a year and I don't hang out with regularly, but him being hurt is fucking with me. I feel bad, but at the same time I can't mommy-at everyone. I had a friend who lived in my building years ago back in Chicago. He was a recovering drug addict, but he was much younger than me and I treated him like a hurt puppy. He was appreciative because he lived far away from his family, but even now if I don't hear from him for a while I text him to make sure he's okay. But perhaps that's just being a caring friend, I don't know. He checked up on me when we had all of these earthquakes last month.

Sometimes I feel excluded from things because people assume I'm busy or have a full life because of the husband and kids. When Bry gets home from work, he usually takes over. Not because I ask him to, but because he wants to. He's like "I haven't seen my girls all day, I'm going to get them ready for bed". So I give him his time to help them brush their teeth, read them a story, blah blah blah. I'm bored a lot, you guys. After 5, 6 o'clock at night, I'm bored. As shit. I cook dinner, then go in the room to call my aunt. We talk for like an hour. Not every day, perhaps once or twice a week. We usually talk about everything and nothing and then talk over one another and laugh about it. She gives me advice, a lot, because I ask for it.

And yeah, I've been talking to my mom again and that's strange, as I mentioned before. We've been estranged for over a year. I'm not getting into specifics, but if you know me, you know the deal. I'm a very sensitive person, perhaps too sensitive for Hollywood, truly. I'm not depressed, because trust me, I've been down that road. I have hope and aspirations and all that good mucky muck. I have a show next week that I'm very excited for. I think really I just need a therapist. I need to talk to someone who I can vent to that's not Bry, who I guess tries to understand, but truly doesn't. He doesn't understand why I put so much pressure on myself and feel like I should be doing more. He doesn't understand the anxiety and the fear of driving. He drives all over L.A. for his work and describes the driving as "annoying" instead of "scary".

So yeah, I guess in order to survive this industry and being a mom and having a shitty upbringing, I guess I have to see a therapist or whatever. I picture some old white dude with glasses asking me "and how did that make you feel?" and over time telling me "I've had enough of your whining! I'll refund your money if you just get the hell outta here and never come back!" Haha! That's both hilarious and sad at the same time!

Sorta Exciting updates

While I'm waiting around for something, anything to happen, I think I'm going to keep my writing sharp by writing short stories.

I used to write short stories all the time, you know, before I became a mom and started watching too much tv. And I have time to write, it's not like I'm 24/7 busy. Yes, it is tiring taking care of 3 small children, but there are times when they don't want to be bothered by me. They have each other to play with in their room full of Lalaloopsy dolls, toy dishes and play food. Did I mention that we also have every children's movie that has come out in the past 5 years on blu ray? Yeah, they don't need me 24/7. I do, however, have to listen out for "Owwww!" or "I'm not playing with you anymore!".

At night I have plenty of time to write, though I'm usually quite sleepy around 7pm. Again, I have 3 small daughters, all 3 under the age of 7!

Life has been exciting, when I do get to go out of the house. I got to meet Conan O'Brien yesterday. I was in the audience of his show and got to sit on the front row and after the show, he comes into the audience singing the "End of the show" song, which is hilarious! As he came back down the stairs, past me, he came over and shook my hand! I said "I love you!" he said "I love you too"! Then he started doing that growl thing that he does at female guests, towards ME. Best day of my life. Next to, you know, that wedding thing and the having-kids thing.

If you know me, you know what Conan means to me. I saw him live in Chicago back when I was pregnant with Anneka, almost 7 years ago at the Chicago Theater. Then, I saw him with my mom back in December while she was visiting from Chicago, then I saw the show once again less than a month ago and ran into some of the writers of the show, which was awesome.

I have several people reading my pilot "Jersey Did It", about a young woman who has too much money, but gets bored easily, and is afraid of too many things, which hinders her life. Sound familiar? Well, not the money thing...regardless, I hope I get good feedback on it!

Later Gators.

A Little Paranoid...

I'm sleepy, drinking wine and in bed watching "Dateline: Real Life Mysteries" on TLC. Okay, first of all, it's 11:35 on a Saturday night, I'm in bed with my husband, and I'm on my laptop, while he's on his Ipad. WTF, right? It's been a weird day. I went to Wal-Mart, bought some vitamins and health food stuff, seeing as how I'm a vegetarian now...again. I've felt a little light-headed since I gave up fish and eggs also, so I went and bought some supplements, including iron pills and protein powder for smoothies. Yeah, I don't find this gross, as I've bought the pre-made smoothies at Target that have protein powder in it already. I guess I'm just considered a weirdo in my family.

Me & my 5 year old daughter, Anneka Lucia

My aunt has been over all weekend, which is cool, because that gives me and Bry time to go out and do things without the kids, as we're trying to remember what it's like to just be married, and not just be "mommy and daddy". So we go out and run around the suburbs, not too far away, and I'm always a little paranoid, thinking about the kids. So we get back, and my aunt tells me that Mia had woken up crying for a minute or two, then went back to sleep, and that Ani had a nightmare and she had to calm her down. Yes, I felt guilty. I felt, for a moment, that I should have been there to calm her down. Usually, if I hear her mumbling in her sleep and sounding distressed, I go in her room and kiss her forehead and her cheek and whisper "It's okay" and "I love you", and usually, it works. It's almost like perhaps I work my way into the scary dream and it un-scaries it. I hope that's what happens. Tonight, I felt like I should have been here to kiss her and get rid of the nightmare. Yes, I'm crazy paranoid like that. And do you see why I never do anything??! LOL

Anyway, the kids are fine, they were well taken care of, Auntie Martha handled the situation fine, she didn't need to call me, and keep in mind, she's been dealing with kids much longer than I have. Yes, I'm sure Ani would have preferred to have me here to comfort her, but she was fine and I have to just look at it like that.

I'm getting out of my head, though. I'm working on it. You know, I never thought I would have kids. My brother's kids made me nervous. Perhaps it was because he came over with 4-5 of them at a time and I was a teenager, or maybe because I was always told I was a fuck-up and a dropout and I could never have the patience for kids. Now, I'm that mom who's like "There's too many kids at the playground, I don't want the girls to get knocked down by the bigger kids" or "that's not 100% juice!" I sing along to the Wiggles...I love Pocoyo just as much as they do...and no, it's not weird to be that invested in your kids...I just hope that my fears and paranoia don't end up affecting them. I want them to be able to go out into the world and try new things and if they aren't successful at everything I try, I don't want them to be afraid to try again. And I will never call them failures or screw-ups or God forbid, fuck-ups. I'll be here with open arms, and convince them to try again.

Okay, enough of this snizz. I'm going back to whooping on Bry in "Words with Friends". He is yet to beat me. Perhaps I should let him win to help his self-esteem....nahhhhhhhh!

Laters.