I Almost Didn't Post This

I don't want this to be one of those "I've had a rough week" posts. Yeah, the point in this blog is to share what's going on with me, but how many times can I say "I've had a rough week" before I feel like I'm whining? Besides, at this point, I know it's just a rough week, not a rough month or year or life and I'll be fine in the end. Because I always am.

So this week, yeah, I'm not doing as much. I've been kind of laying low. It's a mixture of doubting myself (again), questioning what the hell I'm doing and being tired and not eating enough. I've never been a stress eater, I've always been a stress under-eater. I had a fall-out with a friend which I completely still don't understand, and one of my other friends hurt himself and it's really bothering me. I mean, this is someone I've known perhaps a little over a year and I don't hang out with regularly, but him being hurt is fucking with me. I feel bad, but at the same time I can't mommy-at everyone. I had a friend who lived in my building years ago back in Chicago. He was a recovering drug addict, but he was much younger than me and I treated him like a hurt puppy. He was appreciative because he lived far away from his family, but even now if I don't hear from him for a while I text him to make sure he's okay. But perhaps that's just being a caring friend, I don't know. He checked up on me when we had all of these earthquakes last month.

Sometimes I feel excluded from things because people assume I'm busy or have a full life because of the husband and kids. When Bry gets home from work, he usually takes over. Not because I ask him to, but because he wants to. He's like "I haven't seen my girls all day, I'm going to get them ready for bed". So I give him his time to help them brush their teeth, read them a story, blah blah blah. I'm bored a lot, you guys. After 5, 6 o'clock at night, I'm bored. As shit. I cook dinner, then go in the room to call my aunt. We talk for like an hour. Not every day, perhaps once or twice a week. We usually talk about everything and nothing and then talk over one another and laugh about it. She gives me advice, a lot, because I ask for it.

And yeah, I've been talking to my mom again and that's strange, as I mentioned before. We've been estranged for over a year. I'm not getting into specifics, but if you know me, you know the deal. I'm a very sensitive person, perhaps too sensitive for Hollywood, truly. I'm not depressed, because trust me, I've been down that road. I have hope and aspirations and all that good mucky muck. I have a show next week that I'm very excited for. I think really I just need a therapist. I need to talk to someone who I can vent to that's not Bry, who I guess tries to understand, but truly doesn't. He doesn't understand why I put so much pressure on myself and feel like I should be doing more. He doesn't understand the anxiety and the fear of driving. He drives all over L.A. for his work and describes the driving as "annoying" instead of "scary".

So yeah, I guess in order to survive this industry and being a mom and having a shitty upbringing, I guess I have to see a therapist or whatever. I picture some old white dude with glasses asking me "and how did that make you feel?" and over time telling me "I've had enough of your whining! I'll refund your money if you just get the hell outta here and never come back!" Haha! That's both hilarious and sad at the same time!

Doubt Me, I'll Work Harder

Me performing on stage at the Silverlake Lounge this week.

It's been a weird week.

I don't want to speak about it publicly, but something happened last week, with a friend, that's had me upset all week. But whatever, life goes on. Thankfully, my Auntie Carol flew in from Chicago last week and kept my mind occupied. I also got the offer to be in a show mid-week and that kept me busy too. Then on Thursday night, I went to the Comedy Palace show in Los Feliz to see my friend Josh Fadem perform. Good times, good times.

Me and the hilarious Josh Fadem.

I also got to see Rob Delaney perform! Josh introduced us!

But then my aunt left yesterday to go back to Chicago, and my 7 year old daughter Ani cried in the car as we were dropping her off at LAX. That made me sad. I really dislike how far we are from family. We hadn't seen her in a long time and Ani and her really bonded while she was here. Then on top of that, I was worried about my mother all week. She had to go to the ER and they kept her overnight, so I was getting updates from my aunt, and not wanting to let the girls know. No need in telling little kids that their grandmother was in the hospital. My mom is fine and they released her after tests were done. It's strange because I'm kind of estranged from my mother but I've talked to her through texts. But I let Bry, my husband know that if something went down, I'd be on the first plane back to Chicago.

I don't know. It's weird. A few things are bothering me right now, but nothing I can't handle. Things could be worse. I'm spending my time working on stand-up material. I have a show at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank on April 24th so I'm going to hit some open mics before then to work on some new material. It's a show in the Main Room, which I've never performed in before, only the YooHoo Room.

All of that, along with the 2 doctors appointments for the kids last week (one because of Laila's nosebleeds and allergies), and then registering the twins for Kindergarten and a dental appointment for all three kids coming up this week.

And I just want to add, though I said I wouldn't speak on it publicly...a so-called friend said I wasn't dedicated to my career and it wasn't fair I was getting all the breaks. I'm not getting breaks, I'm still a nobody! I get booked for shows because I do my research, find out who's booking these, then ask questions. I show up, be funny and then leave in time to get home to my kids. To even think that I'm not taking my career seriously is stupidity on your behalf. I moved my entire family across the country, away from the safety and comfort of my entire family! I made Bry find a new job out here! He could've said hell no! I risked a lot to move out here to do this! Don't ever doubt me, it only makes me work harder.

I've been performing and stuffs

Come catch me live!
May 12th, Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank
7pm $5!

Both of these shots taken at the Haha Comedy Club in North Hollywood, CA.

Oh, and here's some stupid shit I said and/or did this week:

Stand-up Stage Fright

I've been sitting here working on doing my first stand-up open mic. I have lots of jokes written, but I was just going through them, putting them together and seeing what really works. I even recorded myself on my phone, then went over it several times to see if I remembered it. You know,  it's really easy to remember something you wrote yourself. It was so much fun doing "Local Couple Wins Lottery", especially when I realized that the words had stuck in my head, because I wrote them! I had a little bit of difficulty with the play I was in "Reservoir Bitches", but in my defense, I didn't have much rehearsal time. I still find it amazing that I can remember anything nowadays. Yeah, stuff gets forgotten.

Anywho...I want this bad enough, so I'm going to bust my ass to do it. I also would love to book some gigs in Chicago sometime in the fall and fly in and make some money! I have a lot of friends in Chicago who could possibly show up too! And of course, I could stay with my mom and spend time with my family. But first I should probably conquer this little bit of stand-up stage fright, huh? I'm on it...