Blame TV

I just had an epiphany...I haven't been laughing a whole lot. Let me start off by saying I'm a goof. I literally laugh at damn near anything. I got into trouble a lot back in school because I was "disruptive" or whatever because anything someone said that was even remotely funny, I'd laugh hysterically! In improv class at Second City and iO, I'd laugh hysterically at everything, which was probably disruptive at times.

Now I'm not sad or depressed or anything. I don't know...maybe a little, who knows. I don't feel depressed, but I do think I haven't been laughing enough. I could blame SNL just a little. I couldn't even finish the episode hosted by Anna Kendrick. It was so unfunny. I was also quite disappointed by the Charlize Theron episode. The Andrew Garfield episode was the funniest this season, truly. I actually laughed at that one. I also blame Mike & Molly for not being funny anymore.

I also blame Key & Peele for being on hiatus! But really, truly, it's my fault. I haven't been going to comedy shows. When tv is bad, I should go to comedy clubs. There's no excuse. I live near 50,000 comedy clubs here in Los Angeles! I could go see some of the best comics in the business on a regular basis! I also haven't been performing, which would be healthy for me.

Key & Peele

One could say that perhaps I've grown up in the past 2 months. Perhaps I'm no longer a goof. Well that just sounds sad. I love being a goof. Getting into trouble in elementary school for laughing was who I was and who I am. One time, back in high school, a friend and I went on a college tour. While we were touring the library, the tour guide introduced herself with a totally stupid last name. We chuckled! We tried to hold it back, God we tried, but in the end, we had to leave the library. That's who I am! I laugh at poop jokes! I come out of the bathroom and go "Coming out feeling about 10 pounds lighter!", even if I was just in there to wash my hands! (Thank you to Martin for that one)

Martin

Maybe I just need to get back to my roots. Who I am as a person is a goof. I never want to take myself too seriously. So as a self-diagnostician, I plan to fix this. I will watch the 8 unwatched episodes of The Middle on my DVR, I'm going to watch some old SNL sketches on Hulu, I'm busting out my Clone High, Stella and Sarah Silverman Program DVDs.

Stella...still waiting for a second season!

The Sarah Silverman Program

And maybe we should all blame network tv for our sadness. Be funnier! And stop cancelling funny shows (Hello, The Crazy Ones?! Are you fucking kidding me? And I swear to God, if they cancel Undateable after 2 episodes, I'm gonna be shitting on someone's doorstep!)

Rick and Morty: My New Favorite Show

       

       
Rick and Morty is this hilarious new show on Adult Swim. Created by Dan Harmon (Community) and Justin Roiland, it's about Rick and his grandson Morty who go on adventures. Rick is a scientist and Morty is just a regular 12 year old school student who reluctantly goes along with his grandfather's hair-brained schemes.

It reminds me a little of other grown-up animated shows that are on right now. What makes it hilarious is not only the wacky adventures that Rick gets Morty into, it's also very reminiscent of a little film called Back to the Future. The creators have said that they took inspiration from the popular films, as Rick does look a bit like Doc and Morty is very similar to Marty. Honestly, that's what drew me in to begin with, but it's not the same. Yes, Rick might be a tad insane like Doc, but he's also more gross and less caring. He puts his grandson in a ton of very dangerous situations! But that's part of what makes it so funny!

    

Also notice that Rick burps a lot. I mean, a lot. Also pay attention to how many times he says "Morty". As in "Morty, you have to understand, Morty. You have to come with me right now, Morty!".

I'm actually hooked on this show right now.

Things That I'm Obsessed with Right Now

Vine
Still fuckin' love it. Instagram video is weird, y'all. It's like, there's a picture and it starts to move. Like those creepy "living" pictures from Harry Potter, which was the scariest thing about those films.

Fedoras on Kids
I have fedoras that I don't wear anymore. Kind of over them. But my 3 daughters look adorable in them! Keep in mind, they're too big for their heads. I have to buy kids fedoras. I'll buy 3 for each kid.

Esther Povitsky, "Little Esther"

She's this comedian chick who I've never seen live...yet, but we had a bunch of mutual friends on Facebook, so I sent her a friend request and she accepted! But she keeps posting these Vines of her really close-up and you can see how adorable she is, then goes on to say facts about dinosaurs! She's adorbs.

Josh Fadem

Another comedian/actor. Again, we had mutual friends and then became friends when my husband Bry tried to help him recover some lost footage off of a SD card or something. He's this really nice guy who brought over his dog to cheer up my kid when she was recovering from a spider bite. I knew him from "30 Rock" where he played Liz Lemon's agent, but since we became friends, I've watched his many funny videos he's done on YouTube and Funny or Die and just found out he's been in a lot of other stuff I've seen including "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" and the film "Miss March". It's great seeing your friends on TV. You can see me in the background of many "ER" and "Early Edition" episodes! Ha!
Here's one of his Youtube videos. Notice that he thanks me and Bry in the credits!

"Josh Fadem Wants the News"


My Little Pony

Judge all you want, but when you have 3 girls under the age of 7, it's easy to get sucked into their world. They started watching the show on the Hub network and I just got back into it, seeing as how I had a My Little Pony as a kid myself. So recently, I bought myself a 20" Pinkie Pie My Little Pony! Yep! Just for me! They have their OWN!

Zuma Beach/Malibu

I'm starting to get more driven towards my career for one reason and one reason only: MALI-FUCKIN-BU! I just went for the first time recently, after living in Los Angeles for over a year. It's beautiful! I need to make the type of money that affords me the lifestyle to either live in Malibu or at least closer. I love Glendale, it's beautiful, but it's so far from the beautifully opulent Zuma Beach and mama doesn't like to drive. Driving in L.A. is super scary, y'all!

Old Timey Ads
I've been finding these old advertisements on the Huffington Post and Cracked.com that are usually sexist or just flat-out wrong! They make me laugh at what a different time we're living in. They also make me so happy that as a woman today, I can choose what I do, I don't have to stay in a kitchen and my only job is not just "mom" if I don't want it to be. Here's a few of the funniest/wrongest:

219b6dd8741472de9ef8c1750ed2e546e5269a7aee6477f346

Me doing stand-up! And a few of my favorite comedians

Video of my first gig ever, at Flappers in Burbank, CA! I still can't believe I did it!

I was super nervous leading up to it, but right before I got on stage, I told my self "This is something I've wanted to do forever. Go up there, and just do it!". Thank God for Bry and his support, and my dear cousin Kecia who flew out from Chicago for my show!
Also thanks to my great improv teacher Kevin Fleming, who is just the greatest teacher. He's the reason I got over my stage fright!

Wow, I sound like I'm giving an acceptance speech for an award. I am being so ridiculously annoying right now. But whatever, watch the video of my first time on stage! I'm working on getting much better so I can own the stage the way my hero Chris D'Elia does. You know what, I'll include a video of him too, just so you can see what I mean, in case you haven't heard of him.

This is from April 7th, 2013.

Chris D'Elia...my favorite comedian. I've met him 3 times now. He's a great guy.

My friend Brent Morin. He kills every time he's on stage. And not bad on the eyes, huh, ladies?? Hey, I can look! I'm not dead!

This, Chris D'elia with Bobby Lee. It's too funny not to post!

I've been performing and stuffs

Come catch me live!
May 12th, Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank
7pm $5!

Both of these shots taken at the Haha Comedy Club in North Hollywood, CA.

Oh, and here's some stupid shit I said and/or did this week:

Stupid texts to my poor husband (while he was at work)...

My Best Tweets!

My Best Tweets

(Real tweets from my Twitter account from 2009-2012)

I gotta stop calling people 'douche whistles'.

I wanna be a manager. Manage a young rapper by the name of Lord Swaggington.

My Instagram still being down is making me Insta-angry. Instamad. Making my day instabad? #badraplyrics

#ThingsToNeverAskADJ So what do u do for a living? Not this, right?

Why is everyone saying YOLO? You only live once?? Does no one believe in reincarnation?!!

I wanna supermoon you. (Whole ass, plus some front)

Things get on your nerve, threaten to punch it. Even if it's attached to you. Or in your face. #toothache

U know, Lana Del Rey...people wouldn't hate u if u were talented

Rain on Wednesday? L.A. think she's Chicago. Silly bitch. You're not Chicago!

 Whore score and 7 years ago, I was a whore who scored.

 If I had a boat, I'd throw you off that motherslucker...Natalie Wood style...OMG #WENTTOOFAR #CRYING #SORRYDEARNATALIE

U got ABC hopes with a basic cable brain.

"Feliz Dia de Turkey de los Muertos"! Isn’t that Spanish for “Happy Thanksgiving”??

You can slap cinnamon into a biscuit but that don't make it a scone! #deliciouslydisappointed

We need to occupy Sesame Street. No protest...just it looks like a fun place to occupy! I wanna hang out at Hooper’s store with Chris and Abby Caddaby! You do too, don’t lie!

U think Arnold's mistress went around telling people 13 years ago "I'm Schwarzepreggers!"

Bin Laden probably got found out by checking in on #foursquare.

Bin Laden tweeted a pic of himself at that mansion and forgot about the geotagging feature.

I love my Kindle. Yes, I've woken up in the middle of the night and seen it destroying real books, but whatever man, it’s totally boss!

Damn, almost choked on this 100 calorie pack cookie. Gonna sue the shit outta Nabisco. Or the writers of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

I just pooped so much that I lost like 50 lbs. I am now a petite size 4.

A scene from a sitcom I created called "Jersey Did It"

Here's a scene from a tv show I created called "Jersey Did It", which is about a young woman who lives in L.A. and is the daughter of actor parents. She lives off of their money and her irrational fears of everything keep her from having a normal life. It's a sitcom and I've already written 3 episodes...hopefully coming to a tv screen near you! This scene is from the pilot:

EXT. DINER - DAY

Jersey walks outside with Gavin. She looks at her cell phone.

GAVIN

Expecting a call?

JERSEY

Never. I was checking the time.

GAVIN

Got somewhere to be?

JERSEY

Just wondering if I have time to drop off this check to my bitch sister before the storm begins.

GAVIN

Storm? There’s not gonna be any storm. This is L.A. in the summer...there’s no storm.

JERSEY

The news said there was going to be a storm.

GAVIN

Why are you freaking out over a storm? You’ll be driving! Just take an umbrella! What, are you afraid you’ll melt?

He laughs hysterically at his own joke.

JERSEY

Will you go with me?

GAVIN

I have an audition.

JERSEY

Oh. You’re trying that acting thing again?

GAVIN

Uh. Sorta.

JERSEY

What’s the audition for?

GAVIN

You know, it’s a thing. There’s this thing...a product.

JERSEY

A commercial? Ooh! I hope you get it, those dealies pay a lot. And if it’s a national commercial, you can pay your rent. My friend Artista did this national phone sex commercial a few years back, boy, it sure did buy her a lot of drugs.

GAVIN

Okay, okay, it’s not a commercial. It’s an open call for background work.

JERSEY

Like an extra? Like, you’ll be standing in the background drinking coffee, having a fake conversation under your breath while real actors with real lines are walking past you?

She laughs.

GAVIN

Hey! It pays nicely too! Minimum wage, but it’s more than I’m getting paid writing scripts in the diner on your laptop! Why don’t you ask your sister if they need someone to work on her show?

JERSEY

I’m not asking that hoe bag for any favors. She’s so full of herself. Ooh, look at me, I have a hit show...blah blah blah...

GAVIN

At least mention me, and that I’m a screenwriter??

JERSEY

Okay, okay, I’ll help a brother out...

GAVIN

I don’t think...

JERSEY

Ooh, I’ll pay you! Come work for me, Gavin!

GAVIN

Doing what?

JERSEY

Odds and ends. I have spiders that need to be killed...you can run this check to my bitch sister! 

GAVIN

Why are you dropping off a check to your sister anyway?

JERSEY

I said I’d go halfsies on a anniversary present for our parents that she already bought.

GAVIN

I’m not going to be a personal assistant for someone who doesn’t have a job. Besides, we’ve been friends for too long, I really don’t see that ending well. 

JERSEY

Come on, Gavin! I need an assistant! I’d rather have someone I can trust!

GAVIN

So you can bug my underwear Jersey?! No thank you!

JERSEY

I would never bug your underwear! My friend Artista might though. She has, uh, what’s it called? That thingy you get from too much sex with skeezy guys and you can see bugs literally crawling around in your underjunk...

GAVIN

I love you Jersey, I’d like to keep it that way. Besides, I can’t spend too much time with you. Small doses, Jers. Small doses.

JERSEY

Why does everyone keep saying that to me?!

She begins to whine.

All of a sudden, a single raindrop falls down and hits her in the eye.

JERSEY

Did you see that?!

GAVIN

I didn’t...what?

JERSEY

A raindrop! Screw it, I’m not going all the way to Santa Monica in a rain storm!

GAVIN

You’re from New York, for Gilligan’s sake! You should be used to the rain!

JERSEY

Dude, I’ve been in L.A. too long! Too much sunshine makes you forget...

GAVIN

Too much sunshine made you build up an irritational fear of rain?

JERSEY

Walk me to my car.

The two walk down the street.

JERSEY

Maybe if I just got in and sat there until the storm ended.

GAVIN

There is no storm! The sun is out!

JERSEY

I’m like, way too scared right now. Like, way...too...scared.

She starts to breathe heavily.

JERSEY

I’ll pay you double whatever you had in mind!

GAVIN

I didn’t have anything in mind because I don’t want to work for you! Bye, Jersey!

He walks away quickly.

JERSEY

Gavin, we are no longer friends! Come back, Gavin! Well, fine, screw you then, man! I hope your day gets ruined too! I hope you get run over by a car! A smelly one! (beat) A spider attacked me this morning!

He continues to walk away into the distance. 

She looks up into the clouds and jumps into her car, scared.

"Jersey Did It" a sitcom

(c) 2012 Angie Grace/Scenestealer Productions

My "Hunger Games" sketch

So, for those of you who have seen "The Hunger Games" or read the books, you know that scene where Katniss has found Peeta and they're in the cave all hugged up together? Yeah, I wrote a ridiculous sketch about it:

KATNISS

Peeta, are u dead yet? Hey, I have a gluten sensitivity. Like, all the bread you've ever given us, has given me diarrhea.

PEETA

Are u questioning the cleanliness of my bakery?

KATNISS

No, u don't hear me...I'm allergic to wheat flour. Bread is made with wheat flour...I get diarrhea every time I eat it. I just thought you should know, in case, you know, you die, I wanted to get that off my chest.

PEETA

So in case we die, you had to let me know that?

KATNISS

In case you die...I'm not gonna die. I'm the girl who's on fire.

PEETA

Why did you keep eating the bread if it makes you sick??

KATNISS

I mean, this is the hunger games! Beggers can't be choosers, you know?

PEETA

Great. I made you sick. That's just great.

(Silence)

KATNISS

Hey, Peeta...u dead yet?

PEETA

No...(visibly upset)

KATNISS

You remember a few years back, and I was in the rain, starving to death, and you came outside and threw me that burnt bread that u were supposed to give the pigs?

PEETA

Yes, yes, I remember Katniss.

KATNISS

I was up all night with diarrhea. I even threw up.

PEETA

Look, I'm sorry! Can we just not talk anymore??

KATNISS

Sure, I'm sorry. I'll leave you alone.

(Long silence)

Hey, Peeta...u still alive?

(He sighs)

I just have one question...then I'll leave you alone, okay??

PEETA

Okay, what?

KATNISS

Why do u still smell like bread??

PEETA

What?!

KATNISS

I mean, you haven't baked bread in like, what, 2 weeks?

PEETA

Wow.

KATNISS

I mean, Peeta...we left District 12 weeks ago...they bathed and groomed you in the capitol...you've been in the forest, lost, for over a week. You should smell like death, especially with your wounds, laying here, dying! You still smell like fresh baked bread!

PEETA

Katniss, I'm dying...

KATNISS

But you smell like croissants...

(Sniffing him)

Peeta...are u dead?

(He plays dead)

(She gets up and begins to walk away)

Even in death, he smells like fresh baked bread.

"Give it a Go, Right Right": a sketch

Okay, so for those of you who know me, or follow my blog, you know that I've been taking a writing class at Second City in Hollywood. Actually, I started taking improv and acting at Second City in Chicago, and now I'm in Sketch comedy writing here. This is a sketch I wrote and was acted out in class this past Sunday. Oh, and keep in mind, they all have very thick British cockney accents!:

NBC ANNOUNCER

Coming to NBC this fall...for

those of you who love Downton

Abbey and Dr. Who, comes the first

British sitcom, written by

Americans, for Americans! “Give it

a Go, Right Right!”

INT. MIDDLESEX LIVING ROOM -

Grandmum, her daughter, (Mum) Katherine, and her husband

(Dad) Cedric, sit in the living room.

Grandmum is in a big dirty armchair. Mum and Dad are on

the couch.

MUM

I could eat.

DAD

You could eat?

MUM

I could.

GRANDMUM

I could eat.

DAD

You could eat?

GRANDMUM

Right right.

DAD

Right right.

MUM

Right right.

GRANDMUM

Give it a go, then, love.

MUM

Right right.

ANNOUNCER

From the writers of “Gary

Unmarried”, “American ‘Coupling’”

and “100 Questions” come “Give it

a Go, Right Right”, starring Chase

Masterson as Cedric Middlesex!

Ashley Haverbrook as Victoria

Elizabeth Middlesex, American soap

opera actress Haley Townsend and

as the family matriarch, Gladys

Flannery, as Grandmum.

Cedric and Katherine’s teenage daughter, dressed in all

black and a skull cap with her hair in her face, comes

into the living room and throws herself down into her

mother’s seat.

She has on a Beatles t-shirt.

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

What? What’s everybody gawking at?

DAD

You going out then, love?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Huh?

GRANDMUM

You going out?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

What?!

Mum walks back into the room.

MUM

Anybody wanna go for some bangers

and mash?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Ugh.

GRANDMUM

I was thinking ‘a eating up on

some fish and chips.

DAD

Fish and chips?

MUM

I got bangers, I got mash!

DAD

Bullocks! Fish and chips!

MUM

Bob’s your uncle! You lazy bum!

DAD

I’ll box your ears, right I will!

She throws a cookie at Cedric.

DAD

You throw a biscuit at me?

MUM

I threw a biscuit at ye! Be bloody

happy I didn’t throw the tea with

it!

She looks at her daughter.

MUM

You get up alright, then?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

I’m up, I’m up.

MUM

Go on then. Get dressed, right?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Right right.

Victoria Elizabeth doesn’t move.

MUM

Victoria Elizabeth Middlesex!

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Right right!

She gets up.

DAD

Put on some nice trousers, then.

GRANDMUM

No one turned on the tele!

DAD

You turn on the tele!

GRANDMUM

You turn on the tele! I can’t find

ye clicker!

MUM

You lazy bum. Always sitting on ye

bum!

DAD

What I gotta do to see the bloody

quidditch game?

MUM

Turn on the tele then! Find the

clicker, right right?

GRANDMUM

Go on then, right right?

MUM

Give it a go, then.

GRANDMUM

Give it a go!

DAD

You give it a go!

Victoria Elizabeth comes back into the room, wearing a

nice pair of trousers and a British flag sweater on.

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Right right?

MUM

I like those trousers!

DAD

Right right!

GRANDMUM

Right right! You going out with

your mates then?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Yea, I’m going out with me mates.

DAD

Where ya gonna go then?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Muse concert. Then to Picadilly

square. Then to Trafalgar square.

Then to, uh, see the queen? I need

me some quid, mum.

MUM

Quid?

GRANDMUM

Queen?

The dad looks around.

DAD

Uh... Blokes?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Blokes??

Victoria Elizabeth looks confused for a moment.

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Oh, yeah...blokes!

They all look awkwardly at the camera.

NBC ANNOUNCER

Because Americans are really into

British stuff, “Give it a Go,

Right Right”!

GRANDMUM

I used to hang out in flats with

me mates and me blokes. And we’d

snog and shag til dawn!

MUM

Mum!

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Grandmum!

Dad laughs.

DAD

Right right!

Victoria Elizabeth looks disgusted.

GRANDMUM

The blokes were arse over elbow

for me in me day, (slight southern

accent) I reckon...

Realizes she’s gone into a slight southern accent.

They all look awkwardly at the camera again, as if

waiting for the NBC announcer again.

DAD

Uh...Big Ben. That’s there, uh,

here, right?

MUM

(also slipping out of

her accent for a

moment)

So is Notre Dame!

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Uh...oh bugger!

Mum and Dad nod in approval of her choice of British slang.

GRANDMUM

The tele...we can watch the

Olympics! Woo! London!

They all shake their head in disapproval.

NBC ANNOUNCER

“Give it A go, Right Right”! From

the Producers of “Samantha Who”,

“Andy Richter Controls the

Universe” and “Mr. Sunshine”!

MUM

I thought you were gonna go out

with that bloke, Phillip Charles

Upton-upon-shire! The bloke from

Hobbiton??

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

I don’t know.

GRANDMUM

You should give it a go!

DAD

Give it a go, then, love!

MUM

Give it ago!

GRANDMUM

Give it a go!

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Right right.

She leaves.

They stand there, looking awkward.

NBC ANNOUNCER

“Give it a go, Right Right”...only

on NBC...cause we’re still tryin’,

folks.

Where They Get this From

I'm having a pretty good week. I woke up early this morning, before hubby had to start getting ready for work, and decided to go to Intelligentsia, this nice coffee bar in Silver Lake, which is not too far from my house. I got up, went there, found parking on the street and sat there drinking my chai latte and talking to my mom about why she's afraid to move to California. Okay, I get it, the earthquakes, the wildfires the mudslides, I get it, I really do. Those things are part of the reason why I never moved here before, truthfully. But in Chicago, I was afraid to drive around! I was afraid to go into the city for auditions and for my acting classes. I still did it, but I really got to the point of being terrified of getting shot in the face. Nobody wants to get shot in the face. Not to say that it couldn't happen here, because obviously, crime happens in L.A. too, duh! It just got to a point where people I grew up with were getting killed back to back. I lost two old friends in a month period! One in December, right before Christmas, and then again in January! The gang violence just got out of control and it wasn't just in one area, it was all over. It got dangerous to go downtown. I still love Chicago, I really, I do. I love it for its beauty and I love it because of its history and because of Second City and the amazing people that have come out of there and made great things of themselves. I'm just a little afraid of getting shot in the face. That's all.

But, in hindsight, there was an earthquake here today. A relatively small one, so small I didn't feel it and wouldn't even had known about it if it wasn't for the fact that it was a top story on Yahoo. So for a few hours after reading that, I thought I felt the floor shaking. At one point, Anneka's water bottle fell off the counter and hit the floor. I jumped like "what was that?" and Ani was like "I don't know". I was like "did you feel the floor move?" and she goes "No!" looking at me, like I'm crazy.

These kids...I'm sitting here trying to write this blog, and I've had to stop like 7 times. They're supposed to be eating dinner, and I'm at the table with them, but they're clowning around. I don't know where they get this snizz from. Clownshoe babies. Everything is a joke to them. Absolutely no clue where they get this from...

Yes, this is really how they are at dinnertime. I probably should be all "Knock it off! Have better table manners!" But whatever, they're little kids. And it's funny!

"Going Hollywood"...reality web series

Okay, so I decided to make a reality web series out of footage I took on my way to Los Angeles, and being there. I got some really good stuff...why should it go to waste on my lap top and external drive? Either way, here it is, episodes 1-6, which is all I've edited so far...here is "Going Hollywood"...

Part 1:

Part 2:

Part 3:

Part 4:

Part 5:

Part 6: