My "Hunger Games" sketch

So, for those of you who have seen "The Hunger Games" or read the books, you know that scene where Katniss has found Peeta and they're in the cave all hugged up together? Yeah, I wrote a ridiculous sketch about it:

KATNISS

Peeta, are u dead yet? Hey, I have a gluten sensitivity. Like, all the bread you've ever given us, has given me diarrhea.

PEETA

Are u questioning the cleanliness of my bakery?

KATNISS

No, u don't hear me...I'm allergic to wheat flour. Bread is made with wheat flour...I get diarrhea every time I eat it. I just thought you should know, in case, you know, you die, I wanted to get that off my chest.

PEETA

So in case we die, you had to let me know that?

KATNISS

In case you die...I'm not gonna die. I'm the girl who's on fire.

PEETA

Why did you keep eating the bread if it makes you sick??

KATNISS

I mean, this is the hunger games! Beggers can't be choosers, you know?

PEETA

Great. I made you sick. That's just great.

(Silence)

KATNISS

Hey, Peeta...u dead yet?

PEETA

No...(visibly upset)

KATNISS

You remember a few years back, and I was in the rain, starving to death, and you came outside and threw me that burnt bread that u were supposed to give the pigs?

PEETA

Yes, yes, I remember Katniss.

KATNISS

I was up all night with diarrhea. I even threw up.

PEETA

Look, I'm sorry! Can we just not talk anymore??

KATNISS

Sure, I'm sorry. I'll leave you alone.

(Long silence)

Hey, Peeta...u still alive?

(He sighs)

I just have one question...then I'll leave you alone, okay??

PEETA

Okay, what?

KATNISS

Why do u still smell like bread??

PEETA

What?!

KATNISS

I mean, you haven't baked bread in like, what, 2 weeks?

PEETA

Wow.

KATNISS

I mean, Peeta...we left District 12 weeks ago...they bathed and groomed you in the capitol...you've been in the forest, lost, for over a week. You should smell like death, especially with your wounds, laying here, dying! You still smell like fresh baked bread!

PEETA

Katniss, I'm dying...

KATNISS

But you smell like croissants...

(Sniffing him)

Peeta...are u dead?

(He plays dead)

(She gets up and begins to walk away)

Even in death, he smells like fresh baked bread.

My SNL 'Celebrity Jeopardy' sketch I wrote for class...

CELEBRITY JEOPARDY
The contestants are Clint Eastwood, Sean Connery and Lady Gaga.

ALEX TREBEK

And we’re back for Double Jeopardy...for some reason. In the commanding lead, with a negative $4000, is Clint Eastwood.

CLINT EASTWOOD

Has anyone ever told you you look like Alex Trebek?

ALEX TREBEK

No. Never. In second place, with a negative $10,000 is Lady Gaga.

LADY GAGA

Hi my Little Monsters! Put your paws up!

ALEX TREBEK

And in last place, Sean Connery.

SEAN CONNERY

Dead last! You think I’m going away, don’t you, you pompous tart! 

ALEX TREBEK

Let’s just get this over with. Here are our categories...’Potent Potables’, ‘Chewable Vitamins’, ‘Vegetables’, that’s when I show you a picture of a vegetable, and you tell me what it is. Heads up, every one of them is the vegetable broccoli. Broccoli. ‘Colors that End in ‘Red’’, ‘Organisms’, which we should just skip, ‘What You Did Today’ and ‘At the Movies’. Mr. Eastwood, you’re in the lead, so you go first.

CLINT EASTWOOD

Um...hmm...ummm....hmmm...(grunts)...hmmmm...mmmm...mmm...hmmmm...

ALEX TREBEK

Lady Gaga, please pick a category.

She has changed outfits, now wearing a fur bikini, ripped fishnet pantyhouse hanging around her neck like a scarf, and a Green Bay Packers cheese hat on her head.

LADY GAGA

I think everyone should believe in themselves. Remember, you were born this way, baby!

ALEX TREBEK

Mr. Connery.

SEAN CONNERY

I’ll have orgasms for $14 grand.

ALEX TREBEK

That’s not what that says.

SEAN CONNERY

Your mother took an orgasm last night, in my bed, you ponce!

ALEX TREBEK

Colors that end in Red, for $200. This color is the color red.

Lady Gaga buzzes in.

LADY GAGA

It’s the color of passion. It’s the color of blood. Everyone has blood in their veins...passion and emotion is why I do what I do. I do this for My little monsters!

Beep beep.

ALEX TREBEK

No. Anyone? Anyone? You don’t even need to buzz in. Just blurt out the color. Just yell “red”!

Buzzer.

ALEX TREBEK

And your parents should be ashamed of you all.

CLINT EASTWOOD

Is it halftime in America yet?

ALEX TREBEK

What?

CLINT EASTWOOD

I’ll take Orgasms for $100, well, I can afford it...give me, uh...$200.

ALEX TREBEK

You don’t have to pay money out of your pocket.

He looks over and Lady Gaga has on another outfit, this time she’s wearing a Pigeon on her head and a bra that has pyramids on her boobs.

ALEX TREBEK

How did you change so quickly again?? Lady Gaga, pick a category.

LADY GAGA

Yes, I will. And I’ll make my little monsters proud. I’ll take At the Movies for $500, Alex.

ALEX TREBEK

This movie took Marty McFly ‘Back to the Future’.

Clint Eastwood buzzes in.

CLINT EASTWOOD

What is Mrs. Eastwood and Company?

ALEX TREBEK

No, that’s the horrible reality show that involves your wife.

Sean Connery buzzes in.

ALEX TREBEK

Sean Connery.

SEAN CONNERY

I have a reality show that involves your mother...it’s called a sex tape! Ooh!

Sean laughs hysterically.
Buzzer.

ALEX TREBEK

Back to the Future. Back...to the future. You know what, screw this.

He tears up the cards in his hands.

ALEX TREBEK

On to Final Jeopardy!

CLINT EASTWOOD

Is this the second half?

ALEX TREBEK

That category is...you know what...I’ll make one up! Uh...draw a smiley face! Just one! Perhaps two! It can even be a frowny face, which is what I’d draw right about now. You can give the little face hair, I don’t care. Just draw a circle, two eyes perhaps. It doesn’t matter. You don’t even have to give it a mouth and you’ll still win!

The jeopardy music begins. Everyone appears to be thinking really hard.
The music ends and Alex goes over to Lady Gaga, who has again, changed clothing. She now appears to be completely nude.

ALEX TREBEK

Lady Gaga, what happened to your clothes?!

LADY GAGA

People need to learn to be free, stop letting the constraints of society shackle you down to an antiquated notion of...

ALEX TREBEK

(cutting her off)

I said draw a smiley face, and you wrote...

Shows her answer. It’s nothing but slogan phrases that she says.

ALEX TREBEK

You wrote “Go for it”, “Be the best”, “Little Monsters”, “Put your paws up” and “Marriage equality”. You wagered “I was born this way, baby”. I hope not.

He walks away from her as she begins putting her hands up in a pawing motion towards him.
Alex walks over to Clint Eastwood, who is having a conversation with a chair.

CLINT EASTWOOD

(to the chair)

You said you would drive home. I really don’t want to go home yet. Maybe we can stop off somewhere...throw back a few cold ones at a bar. Well you can’t drink if you’re driving...I’m just saying...

ALEX TREBEK

Everyone should be worried about you.

He walks away to Sean Connery.

ALEX TREBEK

And all of the hopes of this game ride on Mr. Connery, whom I do not have high hopes for. I said draw a smiley face, or some sort of face...

He looks over Sean’s podium.

ALEX TREBEK

And I cannot show that on television.

SEAN CONNERY

That’s a face, you pompadore! 

ALEX TREBEK

Yes, it is. 

SEAN CONNERY

Show the good people what the face is doing...did I mention that that is your mother’s face? And guess what she’s doing with her face??

ALEX TREBEK

(cutting him off)

I’m Alex Trebek, and I will be looking for a new job tomorrow. Good night!

Sean Connery laughs hysterically.

"Give it a Go, Right Right": a sketch

Okay, so for those of you who know me, or follow my blog, you know that I've been taking a writing class at Second City in Hollywood. Actually, I started taking improv and acting at Second City in Chicago, and now I'm in Sketch comedy writing here. This is a sketch I wrote and was acted out in class this past Sunday. Oh, and keep in mind, they all have very thick British cockney accents!:

NBC ANNOUNCER

Coming to NBC this fall...for

those of you who love Downton

Abbey and Dr. Who, comes the first

British sitcom, written by

Americans, for Americans! “Give it

a Go, Right Right!”

INT. MIDDLESEX LIVING ROOM -

Grandmum, her daughter, (Mum) Katherine, and her husband

(Dad) Cedric, sit in the living room.

Grandmum is in a big dirty armchair. Mum and Dad are on

the couch.

MUM

I could eat.

DAD

You could eat?

MUM

I could.

GRANDMUM

I could eat.

DAD

You could eat?

GRANDMUM

Right right.

DAD

Right right.

MUM

Right right.

GRANDMUM

Give it a go, then, love.

MUM

Right right.

ANNOUNCER

From the writers of “Gary

Unmarried”, “American ‘Coupling’”

and “100 Questions” come “Give it

a Go, Right Right”, starring Chase

Masterson as Cedric Middlesex!

Ashley Haverbrook as Victoria

Elizabeth Middlesex, American soap

opera actress Haley Townsend and

as the family matriarch, Gladys

Flannery, as Grandmum.

Cedric and Katherine’s teenage daughter, dressed in all

black and a skull cap with her hair in her face, comes

into the living room and throws herself down into her

mother’s seat.

She has on a Beatles t-shirt.

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

What? What’s everybody gawking at?

DAD

You going out then, love?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Huh?

GRANDMUM

You going out?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

What?!

Mum walks back into the room.

MUM

Anybody wanna go for some bangers

and mash?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Ugh.

GRANDMUM

I was thinking ‘a eating up on

some fish and chips.

DAD

Fish and chips?

MUM

I got bangers, I got mash!

DAD

Bullocks! Fish and chips!

MUM

Bob’s your uncle! You lazy bum!

DAD

I’ll box your ears, right I will!

She throws a cookie at Cedric.

DAD

You throw a biscuit at me?

MUM

I threw a biscuit at ye! Be bloody

happy I didn’t throw the tea with

it!

She looks at her daughter.

MUM

You get up alright, then?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

I’m up, I’m up.

MUM

Go on then. Get dressed, right?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Right right.

Victoria Elizabeth doesn’t move.

MUM

Victoria Elizabeth Middlesex!

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Right right!

She gets up.

DAD

Put on some nice trousers, then.

GRANDMUM

No one turned on the tele!

DAD

You turn on the tele!

GRANDMUM

You turn on the tele! I can’t find

ye clicker!

MUM

You lazy bum. Always sitting on ye

bum!

DAD

What I gotta do to see the bloody

quidditch game?

MUM

Turn on the tele then! Find the

clicker, right right?

GRANDMUM

Go on then, right right?

MUM

Give it a go, then.

GRANDMUM

Give it a go!

DAD

You give it a go!

Victoria Elizabeth comes back into the room, wearing a

nice pair of trousers and a British flag sweater on.

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Right right?

MUM

I like those trousers!

DAD

Right right!

GRANDMUM

Right right! You going out with

your mates then?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Yea, I’m going out with me mates.

DAD

Where ya gonna go then?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Muse concert. Then to Picadilly

square. Then to Trafalgar square.

Then to, uh, see the queen? I need

me some quid, mum.

MUM

Quid?

GRANDMUM

Queen?

The dad looks around.

DAD

Uh... Blokes?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Blokes??

Victoria Elizabeth looks confused for a moment.

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Oh, yeah...blokes!

They all look awkwardly at the camera.

NBC ANNOUNCER

Because Americans are really into

British stuff, “Give it a Go,

Right Right”!

GRANDMUM

I used to hang out in flats with

me mates and me blokes. And we’d

snog and shag til dawn!

MUM

Mum!

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Grandmum!

Dad laughs.

DAD

Right right!

Victoria Elizabeth looks disgusted.

GRANDMUM

The blokes were arse over elbow

for me in me day, (slight southern

accent) I reckon...

Realizes she’s gone into a slight southern accent.

They all look awkwardly at the camera again, as if

waiting for the NBC announcer again.

DAD

Uh...Big Ben. That’s there, uh,

here, right?

MUM

(also slipping out of

her accent for a

moment)

So is Notre Dame!

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Uh...oh bugger!

Mum and Dad nod in approval of her choice of British slang.

GRANDMUM

The tele...we can watch the

Olympics! Woo! London!

They all shake their head in disapproval.

NBC ANNOUNCER

“Give it A go, Right Right”! From

the Producers of “Samantha Who”,

“Andy Richter Controls the

Universe” and “Mr. Sunshine”!

MUM

I thought you were gonna go out

with that bloke, Phillip Charles

Upton-upon-shire! The bloke from

Hobbiton??

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

I don’t know.

GRANDMUM

You should give it a go!

DAD

Give it a go, then, love!

MUM

Give it ago!

GRANDMUM

Give it a go!

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Right right.

She leaves.

They stand there, looking awkward.

NBC ANNOUNCER

“Give it a go, Right Right”...only

on NBC...cause we’re still tryin’,

folks.