Stupid texts to my poor husband (while he was at work)...

A scene from a sitcom I created called "Jersey Did It"

Here's a scene from a tv show I created called "Jersey Did It", which is about a young woman who lives in L.A. and is the daughter of actor parents. She lives off of their money and her irrational fears of everything keep her from having a normal life. It's a sitcom and I've already written 3 episodes...hopefully coming to a tv screen near you! This scene is from the pilot:

EXT. DINER - DAY

Jersey walks outside with Gavin. She looks at her cell phone.

GAVIN

Expecting a call?

JERSEY

Never. I was checking the time.

GAVIN

Got somewhere to be?

JERSEY

Just wondering if I have time to drop off this check to my bitch sister before the storm begins.

GAVIN

Storm? There’s not gonna be any storm. This is L.A. in the summer...there’s no storm.

JERSEY

The news said there was going to be a storm.

GAVIN

Why are you freaking out over a storm? You’ll be driving! Just take an umbrella! What, are you afraid you’ll melt?

He laughs hysterically at his own joke.

JERSEY

Will you go with me?

GAVIN

I have an audition.

JERSEY

Oh. You’re trying that acting thing again?

GAVIN

Uh. Sorta.

JERSEY

What’s the audition for?

GAVIN

You know, it’s a thing. There’s this thing...a product.

JERSEY

A commercial? Ooh! I hope you get it, those dealies pay a lot. And if it’s a national commercial, you can pay your rent. My friend Artista did this national phone sex commercial a few years back, boy, it sure did buy her a lot of drugs.

GAVIN

Okay, okay, it’s not a commercial. It’s an open call for background work.

JERSEY

Like an extra? Like, you’ll be standing in the background drinking coffee, having a fake conversation under your breath while real actors with real lines are walking past you?

She laughs.

GAVIN

Hey! It pays nicely too! Minimum wage, but it’s more than I’m getting paid writing scripts in the diner on your laptop! Why don’t you ask your sister if they need someone to work on her show?

JERSEY

I’m not asking that hoe bag for any favors. She’s so full of herself. Ooh, look at me, I have a hit show...blah blah blah...

GAVIN

At least mention me, and that I’m a screenwriter??

JERSEY

Okay, okay, I’ll help a brother out...

GAVIN

I don’t think...

JERSEY

Ooh, I’ll pay you! Come work for me, Gavin!

GAVIN

Doing what?

JERSEY

Odds and ends. I have spiders that need to be killed...you can run this check to my bitch sister! 

GAVIN

Why are you dropping off a check to your sister anyway?

JERSEY

I said I’d go halfsies on a anniversary present for our parents that she already bought.

GAVIN

I’m not going to be a personal assistant for someone who doesn’t have a job. Besides, we’ve been friends for too long, I really don’t see that ending well. 

JERSEY

Come on, Gavin! I need an assistant! I’d rather have someone I can trust!

GAVIN

So you can bug my underwear Jersey?! No thank you!

JERSEY

I would never bug your underwear! My friend Artista might though. She has, uh, what’s it called? That thingy you get from too much sex with skeezy guys and you can see bugs literally crawling around in your underjunk...

GAVIN

I love you Jersey, I’d like to keep it that way. Besides, I can’t spend too much time with you. Small doses, Jers. Small doses.

JERSEY

Why does everyone keep saying that to me?!

She begins to whine.

All of a sudden, a single raindrop falls down and hits her in the eye.

JERSEY

Did you see that?!

GAVIN

I didn’t...what?

JERSEY

A raindrop! Screw it, I’m not going all the way to Santa Monica in a rain storm!

GAVIN

You’re from New York, for Gilligan’s sake! You should be used to the rain!

JERSEY

Dude, I’ve been in L.A. too long! Too much sunshine makes you forget...

GAVIN

Too much sunshine made you build up an irritational fear of rain?

JERSEY

Walk me to my car.

The two walk down the street.

JERSEY

Maybe if I just got in and sat there until the storm ended.

GAVIN

There is no storm! The sun is out!

JERSEY

I’m like, way too scared right now. Like, way...too...scared.

She starts to breathe heavily.

JERSEY

I’ll pay you double whatever you had in mind!

GAVIN

I didn’t have anything in mind because I don’t want to work for you! Bye, Jersey!

He walks away quickly.

JERSEY

Gavin, we are no longer friends! Come back, Gavin! Well, fine, screw you then, man! I hope your day gets ruined too! I hope you get run over by a car! A smelly one! (beat) A spider attacked me this morning!

He continues to walk away into the distance. 

She looks up into the clouds and jumps into her car, scared.

"Jersey Did It" a sitcom

(c) 2012 Angie Grace/Scenestealer Productions

My "Hunger Games" sketch

So, for those of you who have seen "The Hunger Games" or read the books, you know that scene where Katniss has found Peeta and they're in the cave all hugged up together? Yeah, I wrote a ridiculous sketch about it:

KATNISS

Peeta, are u dead yet? Hey, I have a gluten sensitivity. Like, all the bread you've ever given us, has given me diarrhea.

PEETA

Are u questioning the cleanliness of my bakery?

KATNISS

No, u don't hear me...I'm allergic to wheat flour. Bread is made with wheat flour...I get diarrhea every time I eat it. I just thought you should know, in case, you know, you die, I wanted to get that off my chest.

PEETA

So in case we die, you had to let me know that?

KATNISS

In case you die...I'm not gonna die. I'm the girl who's on fire.

PEETA

Why did you keep eating the bread if it makes you sick??

KATNISS

I mean, this is the hunger games! Beggers can't be choosers, you know?

PEETA

Great. I made you sick. That's just great.

(Silence)

KATNISS

Hey, Peeta...u dead yet?

PEETA

No...(visibly upset)

KATNISS

You remember a few years back, and I was in the rain, starving to death, and you came outside and threw me that burnt bread that u were supposed to give the pigs?

PEETA

Yes, yes, I remember Katniss.

KATNISS

I was up all night with diarrhea. I even threw up.

PEETA

Look, I'm sorry! Can we just not talk anymore??

KATNISS

Sure, I'm sorry. I'll leave you alone.

(Long silence)

Hey, Peeta...u still alive?

(He sighs)

I just have one question...then I'll leave you alone, okay??

PEETA

Okay, what?

KATNISS

Why do u still smell like bread??

PEETA

What?!

KATNISS

I mean, you haven't baked bread in like, what, 2 weeks?

PEETA

Wow.

KATNISS

I mean, Peeta...we left District 12 weeks ago...they bathed and groomed you in the capitol...you've been in the forest, lost, for over a week. You should smell like death, especially with your wounds, laying here, dying! You still smell like fresh baked bread!

PEETA

Katniss, I'm dying...

KATNISS

But you smell like croissants...

(Sniffing him)

Peeta...are u dead?

(He plays dead)

(She gets up and begins to walk away)

Even in death, he smells like fresh baked bread.

"Give it a Go, Right Right": a sketch

Okay, so for those of you who know me, or follow my blog, you know that I've been taking a writing class at Second City in Hollywood. Actually, I started taking improv and acting at Second City in Chicago, and now I'm in Sketch comedy writing here. This is a sketch I wrote and was acted out in class this past Sunday. Oh, and keep in mind, they all have very thick British cockney accents!:

NBC ANNOUNCER

Coming to NBC this fall...for

those of you who love Downton

Abbey and Dr. Who, comes the first

British sitcom, written by

Americans, for Americans! “Give it

a Go, Right Right!”

INT. MIDDLESEX LIVING ROOM -

Grandmum, her daughter, (Mum) Katherine, and her husband

(Dad) Cedric, sit in the living room.

Grandmum is in a big dirty armchair. Mum and Dad are on

the couch.

MUM

I could eat.

DAD

You could eat?

MUM

I could.

GRANDMUM

I could eat.

DAD

You could eat?

GRANDMUM

Right right.

DAD

Right right.

MUM

Right right.

GRANDMUM

Give it a go, then, love.

MUM

Right right.

ANNOUNCER

From the writers of “Gary

Unmarried”, “American ‘Coupling’”

and “100 Questions” come “Give it

a Go, Right Right”, starring Chase

Masterson as Cedric Middlesex!

Ashley Haverbrook as Victoria

Elizabeth Middlesex, American soap

opera actress Haley Townsend and

as the family matriarch, Gladys

Flannery, as Grandmum.

Cedric and Katherine’s teenage daughter, dressed in all

black and a skull cap with her hair in her face, comes

into the living room and throws herself down into her

mother’s seat.

She has on a Beatles t-shirt.

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

What? What’s everybody gawking at?

DAD

You going out then, love?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Huh?

GRANDMUM

You going out?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

What?!

Mum walks back into the room.

MUM

Anybody wanna go for some bangers

and mash?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Ugh.

GRANDMUM

I was thinking ‘a eating up on

some fish and chips.

DAD

Fish and chips?

MUM

I got bangers, I got mash!

DAD

Bullocks! Fish and chips!

MUM

Bob’s your uncle! You lazy bum!

DAD

I’ll box your ears, right I will!

She throws a cookie at Cedric.

DAD

You throw a biscuit at me?

MUM

I threw a biscuit at ye! Be bloody

happy I didn’t throw the tea with

it!

She looks at her daughter.

MUM

You get up alright, then?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

I’m up, I’m up.

MUM

Go on then. Get dressed, right?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Right right.

Victoria Elizabeth doesn’t move.

MUM

Victoria Elizabeth Middlesex!

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Right right!

She gets up.

DAD

Put on some nice trousers, then.

GRANDMUM

No one turned on the tele!

DAD

You turn on the tele!

GRANDMUM

You turn on the tele! I can’t find

ye clicker!

MUM

You lazy bum. Always sitting on ye

bum!

DAD

What I gotta do to see the bloody

quidditch game?

MUM

Turn on the tele then! Find the

clicker, right right?

GRANDMUM

Go on then, right right?

MUM

Give it a go, then.

GRANDMUM

Give it a go!

DAD

You give it a go!

Victoria Elizabeth comes back into the room, wearing a

nice pair of trousers and a British flag sweater on.

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Right right?

MUM

I like those trousers!

DAD

Right right!

GRANDMUM

Right right! You going out with

your mates then?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Yea, I’m going out with me mates.

DAD

Where ya gonna go then?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Muse concert. Then to Picadilly

square. Then to Trafalgar square.

Then to, uh, see the queen? I need

me some quid, mum.

MUM

Quid?

GRANDMUM

Queen?

The dad looks around.

DAD

Uh... Blokes?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Blokes??

Victoria Elizabeth looks confused for a moment.

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Oh, yeah...blokes!

They all look awkwardly at the camera.

NBC ANNOUNCER

Because Americans are really into

British stuff, “Give it a Go,

Right Right”!

GRANDMUM

I used to hang out in flats with

me mates and me blokes. And we’d

snog and shag til dawn!

MUM

Mum!

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Grandmum!

Dad laughs.

DAD

Right right!

Victoria Elizabeth looks disgusted.

GRANDMUM

The blokes were arse over elbow

for me in me day, (slight southern

accent) I reckon...

Realizes she’s gone into a slight southern accent.

They all look awkwardly at the camera again, as if

waiting for the NBC announcer again.

DAD

Uh...Big Ben. That’s there, uh,

here, right?

MUM

(also slipping out of

her accent for a

moment)

So is Notre Dame!

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Uh...oh bugger!

Mum and Dad nod in approval of her choice of British slang.

GRANDMUM

The tele...we can watch the

Olympics! Woo! London!

They all shake their head in disapproval.

NBC ANNOUNCER

“Give it A go, Right Right”! From

the Producers of “Samantha Who”,

“Andy Richter Controls the

Universe” and “Mr. Sunshine”!

MUM

I thought you were gonna go out

with that bloke, Phillip Charles

Upton-upon-shire! The bloke from

Hobbiton??

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

I don’t know.

GRANDMUM

You should give it a go!

DAD

Give it a go, then, love!

MUM

Give it ago!

GRANDMUM

Give it a go!

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Right right.

She leaves.

They stand there, looking awkward.

NBC ANNOUNCER

“Give it a go, Right Right”...only

on NBC...cause we’re still tryin’,

folks.