Worry is a Full-Time Job

So the real apartment searching has begun! Well, actually, I guess it really started in November when I was in L.A. actually going to apartments, but that's when we were supposed to be moving December 1st! Either way, the real REAL apartment searching has begun in L.A. and I have some pretty good choices so far! I called some places and the Bestie Jontynise is going to drop by and see a few of them for us and give us her expert apartment-hunting opinion. (Sidenote: She moves a lot! Lol)

Either way, we are almost there! I spoke with the manager who wants to sign the girls and she wants some new photos of them. Wait until she sees the phones from Anneka's 5th birthday party! She looked some amazing, with her long hair done and this beautiful white dress my aunt/her Godmother got her just for the party! And I have video of the three girls dancing in the living room. They're all so charismatic!

I'm still afraid of what's to come once we get to L.A. My three little girls are so special, and I know I feel that way because I'm their mom, but I'm a little afraid that everyone will see how amazing they are too and I have this fear of losing them. Not in a dramatic way, just losing a little part of them that belonged specifically to me. Does that make sense? It may sound crazy to some, especially considering they are my children and I am in control of whether or not they even have careers at such a young age. I know they like to perform, and I know it could mean they'll have money for college, but if at any point they get overwhelmed, or I get overwhelmed, I will pull them out of acting/modeling whatever.

I mean, I actually enjoy them spending time with their dad on his days off, and I get to go around and do some things I've meaning to do, like shopping or running errands, or even just going in the bedroom to write. But then once Bry goes back to work, I also really enjoy having them back to myself. Watching them play together and get in trouble together. Well, maybe not the get in trouble part, but I really do enjoy time alone with the kiddies. They're so funny and smart and I can't believe I can have real conversations with little kids! It still amazes me! Especially lately since the twins have started speaking practically in full sentences! I can't believe they're only 2! And Anneka and I had a conversation last night about the film "Midnight in Paris". I told her what happens in it, including the fact that Owen Wilson's character got to meet Picasso, and she thought that was cool! Then I told her about Ernest Hemingway. She's only 5!

But I'm not going to let fear rule my life. Or ruin it. What will be will be and I'm learning to shut my mind down after a certain hour each night. I should only worry about "what if's" from 9-5. Worry is indeed a full time job! LOL

FUCK IT, FUCK ALL THAT

Sometimes I feel like when I'm trying to succeed, trying to cross the street from the hood to a better place, there is always ALWAYS someone holding me back. Why in the world would someone want to hold me back, and why in the world would I let them? I have to stop thinking of myself as weak, the real people in my life who love me say. Stop letting people walk all over you! Learn to say "fuck you!" to someone who wants to hurt you..wants to hold you back...wants to see you fail.

There are times where I feel like I can take on the world and do everything that I want to do. Then there are times where I go "this is my fate...I'm meant to stay here, stay put, just do a bunch of nothing with my life".

And yes, this is a rant..it's a sober rant, mind you, but it's still a pissed-off-don't-care rant. I'm sick of biting my tongue. I'm sick of feeling like I'm being judged. I'm sick of caring what others think of me. I'm sick of trying to please others when they're not trying to please me. Everything is "You can't" or "we can't" or "you're not thinking realistically"...but isn't life about risks? I know a whole lot of people who never took risks, kept things safe...guess what? They're fucking miserable! I refuse to live my life in these four walls, wondering what could've been! I will take risks for greater gains...I won't be here, wondering what the fuck I could've done with my life if I got over the nerves in my gut and the fear of loneliness and the fear of failure, and the fear of success! Fear has run my life for too long...

FUCK IT. FUCK ALL THAT.

Yes, this is a rant, yes, indeed it is a sober rant...as I've spent my day going to the gym, planning my daughter's 5th birthday party and thinking about what I'm going to do for this "In Living Color" audition on Tuesday...where I will fucking kill and walk away even more confident...I'm serious, this apartment, this city, this way of life is old news...

And maybe it's the fact that I've lost too many people to bad circumstances and wondering what could've been...maybe it's the fact that everytime I need a favor, no one is there...it's okay if they offer, but if I ask, the answer is always NO when I need someone the most...maybe this a rant towards almost everybody I know, and it's gonna be real awkward if they know I was talking about them, if they even read this blog (which just proves my point just a little bit more)...

I'm sick of being heartbroken over loss. I'm sick of pain. I will try harder. That's what this is about...trying just a bit harder. Be less talk, more actions. Okay, On it...

The rant is done. Now, I'll go have that glass of wine...mama needs to chill the fuck out.

Re-focuzation (is that a word?!)

So when I get to L.A., I have no specific goal. In the past, I had goals and plans, that didn't pan out for some reason or another. This time, I want to just wing it. I want to get there, and just try everything. I want to audition for film, tv, plays, commercials, music videos, whatever. I also want to continue to do web series. You know what, I really like doing web series! I really like the fact that because of Youtube, I can be creative in so many different ways. I think for the next web series, I'm just going to be behind the scenes. I was going to play a small part in the next web series, but instead I think I just want to write/direct and produce. Things with "Local Couple Wins Lottery" seem to be stalled right now, mostly because I don't have a huge amount of time to do what I want to do...so I think once I get to L.A., I just need to refocus. Right now, I'm so focused on getting to L.A., that other things have been taking a back seat. So for the next 2 weeks, I'm re-refocusing, but on Anneka's 5th birthday! We're having a Smurfs birthday party because she loves Smurfette because she has yellow hair, Ani says. Yeah, her favorite color is yellow. Laters.

L.A. Soon Enough

So we're not moving until January...which sucks and blows...and makes more sense at the same time. I know it makes more sense to wait until after the holidays, especially considering Anneka turns 5 on Dec. 19th. I really thought we'd be in L.A. Dec. 1st, and we could celebrate her birthday there with my best friend Jontynise and her two kids. This really kinda sucks. I'm trying to look on the bright side of things, by taking an acting workshop or two while I'm still here so when I get out there, I can show the manager I'm going to sign with that I'm on top of things. I'm also going to do two more episodes of "Local Couple Wins Lottery" and do these one-on-one sessions with Jenny Lamb, my acting teacher from Second City. I have a lot to keep me busy over the next month, but keep in mind, soon snow will come and I'll be annoyed. A little over a week ago, I was in L.A. with peep toe heels and a tank top with leggings. That snizz ain't happening here!

I guess I just have to friggin' focus. I'll be in L.A. soon enough. When I get there, I'm going to start work on a new web series, starring my bestie Jontynise Smith! I'll be co-starring in it as her older sister, a stand-up comedian. She plays a young woman who is newly divorced, but is falling in love with a guy who lives in her building and her sister is trying to talk her out of going straight from a marriage to a relationship. It's called "With Haste". I've only written episode ideas, no actual scripts yet. That's soon to come. I'm trying to figure out if I'll sign a SAG agreement, because then it'll make Jontynise SAG eligible, and I'm already SAG eligible, so I have to figure that out.

By the way, today I met a chick at my local Starbucks who looked like an actress! She was actress gorgeous! I gave her my card, telling her I was a producer. I think it sounded weird. Hope she didn't think I was trying to pick up on her...I didn't tell her she was gorgeous! I just told her she looked like an actress! I was with Bry anyway...unless she thought we were one of those swinging couples! OMG...

You know you love me...
xoxo
Angelina Grace

(all you Gossip Girl fans will get why I just signed this like that...haha!)