Writey Rant

It's so hard to write in this house with all of this noise. I woke up this morning to the sound of my kids over-excited about the snow on the ground. Actually, they wake me up every single morning over excited about something...either a toy, a pop tart or jumping off of the toddler beds. Whatever it is, it's hard to concentrate on anything in this house.

Am I destined to be one of those writers who has to take the laptop to Starbucks and be there for hours? I find it hard to concentrate there after a while. Once I hit a wall in the writing, I find myself just watching people coming and going. But at least I can get something accomplished outside of this house. And now, there's snow and ice on the ground and it's 16 degrees in my tiny Chicago suburb. That does not sound like something I want to deal with just to drive a mile to the Starbucks. And I can't sit on the balcony and write.

I had this dream the other night that I had a house in Silverlake, a really nice area in Los Angeles that I went through with Jontynise while I was there. I loved the area, and yes, I can't afford it now, not by a longshot, but now I have a new goal to definitely work towards living there. Either Silverlake or Los Feliz. I'm obsessed with these two areas! I mean, we had coffee in Silverlake where I met with a talent manager, and we just drove through Los Feliz, which I think is just right next door.

And I've been questioning if I should be doing more with my writing, since writing is really the most natural and most fun thing I do, but I really like the challenge of acting. What I like about being a writer out of the gate is that there's always time to write...to some extent. I can write while the girls eat, even if there is the distraction of them getting giggly at some point. Writing is something I can do in the house. Writing is something I can do a mile away at the Starbucks while Bry is home with them. Acting scares me write now because I'm so afraid it's going to take me far, far away from them or be too time consuming. So I decided I'm going to polish my writing. I'm going to enter a writing program, probably at Second City, once I get to L.A. next month. One whole year of the writing program there is like college. And perhaps I can get a literary agent sometime this year and write a spec script for one of my favorite shows. Do you know how much writers make in Hollywood if you write for a show on a major network?! Or if I write a made-for-tv movie?! I can have a house this year if I work hard enough on my writing alone!

And I'm not giving up acting, not at all...I just think I'm a very good writer and I want to explore that more. For now. I'm still going to do web series and hopefully get to join the Writer's Guild sooner than later!

Sorry for this long-ass Writey Rant...I haven't been updating this blog quite enough! By the way, Happy New Year! Thank you to all my readers for getting my blog to over 1800 reads last year! I don't know who's reading this, but I really do appreciate it!!

FUCK IT, FUCK ALL THAT

Sometimes I feel like when I'm trying to succeed, trying to cross the street from the hood to a better place, there is always ALWAYS someone holding me back. Why in the world would someone want to hold me back, and why in the world would I let them? I have to stop thinking of myself as weak, the real people in my life who love me say. Stop letting people walk all over you! Learn to say "fuck you!" to someone who wants to hurt you..wants to hold you back...wants to see you fail.

There are times where I feel like I can take on the world and do everything that I want to do. Then there are times where I go "this is my fate...I'm meant to stay here, stay put, just do a bunch of nothing with my life".

And yes, this is a rant..it's a sober rant, mind you, but it's still a pissed-off-don't-care rant. I'm sick of biting my tongue. I'm sick of feeling like I'm being judged. I'm sick of caring what others think of me. I'm sick of trying to please others when they're not trying to please me. Everything is "You can't" or "we can't" or "you're not thinking realistically"...but isn't life about risks? I know a whole lot of people who never took risks, kept things safe...guess what? They're fucking miserable! I refuse to live my life in these four walls, wondering what could've been! I will take risks for greater gains...I won't be here, wondering what the fuck I could've done with my life if I got over the nerves in my gut and the fear of loneliness and the fear of failure, and the fear of success! Fear has run my life for too long...

FUCK IT. FUCK ALL THAT.

Yes, this is a rant, yes, indeed it is a sober rant...as I've spent my day going to the gym, planning my daughter's 5th birthday party and thinking about what I'm going to do for this "In Living Color" audition on Tuesday...where I will fucking kill and walk away even more confident...I'm serious, this apartment, this city, this way of life is old news...

And maybe it's the fact that I've lost too many people to bad circumstances and wondering what could've been...maybe it's the fact that everytime I need a favor, no one is there...it's okay if they offer, but if I ask, the answer is always NO when I need someone the most...maybe this a rant towards almost everybody I know, and it's gonna be real awkward if they know I was talking about them, if they even read this blog (which just proves my point just a little bit more)...

I'm sick of being heartbroken over loss. I'm sick of pain. I will try harder. That's what this is about...trying just a bit harder. Be less talk, more actions. Okay, On it...

The rant is done. Now, I'll go have that glass of wine...mama needs to chill the fuck out.