My Best Tweets!

My Best Tweets

(Real tweets from my Twitter account from 2009-2012)

I gotta stop calling people 'douche whistles'.

I wanna be a manager. Manage a young rapper by the name of Lord Swaggington.

My Instagram still being down is making me Insta-angry. Instamad. Making my day instabad? #badraplyrics

#ThingsToNeverAskADJ So what do u do for a living? Not this, right?

Why is everyone saying YOLO? You only live once?? Does no one believe in reincarnation?!!

I wanna supermoon you. (Whole ass, plus some front)

Things get on your nerve, threaten to punch it. Even if it's attached to you. Or in your face. #toothache

U know, Lana Del Rey...people wouldn't hate u if u were talented

Rain on Wednesday? L.A. think she's Chicago. Silly bitch. You're not Chicago!

 Whore score and 7 years ago, I was a whore who scored.

 If I had a boat, I'd throw you off that motherslucker...Natalie Wood style...OMG #WENTTOOFAR #CRYING #SORRYDEARNATALIE

U got ABC hopes with a basic cable brain.

"Feliz Dia de Turkey de los Muertos"! Isn’t that Spanish for “Happy Thanksgiving”??

You can slap cinnamon into a biscuit but that don't make it a scone! #deliciouslydisappointed

We need to occupy Sesame Street. No protest...just it looks like a fun place to occupy! I wanna hang out at Hooper’s store with Chris and Abby Caddaby! You do too, don’t lie!

U think Arnold's mistress went around telling people 13 years ago "I'm Schwarzepreggers!"

Bin Laden probably got found out by checking in on #foursquare.

Bin Laden tweeted a pic of himself at that mansion and forgot about the geotagging feature.

I love my Kindle. Yes, I've woken up in the middle of the night and seen it destroying real books, but whatever man, it’s totally boss!

Damn, almost choked on this 100 calorie pack cookie. Gonna sue the shit outta Nabisco. Or the writers of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

I just pooped so much that I lost like 50 lbs. I am now a petite size 4.