I Almost Didn't Post This

I don't want this to be one of those "I've had a rough week" posts. Yeah, the point in this blog is to share what's going on with me, but how many times can I say "I've had a rough week" before I feel like I'm whining? Besides, at this point, I know it's just a rough week, not a rough month or year or life and I'll be fine in the end. Because I always am.

So this week, yeah, I'm not doing as much. I've been kind of laying low. It's a mixture of doubting myself (again), questioning what the hell I'm doing and being tired and not eating enough. I've never been a stress eater, I've always been a stress under-eater. I had a fall-out with a friend which I completely still don't understand, and one of my other friends hurt himself and it's really bothering me. I mean, this is someone I've known perhaps a little over a year and I don't hang out with regularly, but him being hurt is fucking with me. I feel bad, but at the same time I can't mommy-at everyone. I had a friend who lived in my building years ago back in Chicago. He was a recovering drug addict, but he was much younger than me and I treated him like a hurt puppy. He was appreciative because he lived far away from his family, but even now if I don't hear from him for a while I text him to make sure he's okay. But perhaps that's just being a caring friend, I don't know. He checked up on me when we had all of these earthquakes last month.

Sometimes I feel excluded from things because people assume I'm busy or have a full life because of the husband and kids. When Bry gets home from work, he usually takes over. Not because I ask him to, but because he wants to. He's like "I haven't seen my girls all day, I'm going to get them ready for bed". So I give him his time to help them brush their teeth, read them a story, blah blah blah. I'm bored a lot, you guys. After 5, 6 o'clock at night, I'm bored. As shit. I cook dinner, then go in the room to call my aunt. We talk for like an hour. Not every day, perhaps once or twice a week. We usually talk about everything and nothing and then talk over one another and laugh about it. She gives me advice, a lot, because I ask for it.

And yeah, I've been talking to my mom again and that's strange, as I mentioned before. We've been estranged for over a year. I'm not getting into specifics, but if you know me, you know the deal. I'm a very sensitive person, perhaps too sensitive for Hollywood, truly. I'm not depressed, because trust me, I've been down that road. I have hope and aspirations and all that good mucky muck. I have a show next week that I'm very excited for. I think really I just need a therapist. I need to talk to someone who I can vent to that's not Bry, who I guess tries to understand, but truly doesn't. He doesn't understand why I put so much pressure on myself and feel like I should be doing more. He doesn't understand the anxiety and the fear of driving. He drives all over L.A. for his work and describes the driving as "annoying" instead of "scary".

So yeah, I guess in order to survive this industry and being a mom and having a shitty upbringing, I guess I have to see a therapist or whatever. I picture some old white dude with glasses asking me "and how did that make you feel?" and over time telling me "I've had enough of your whining! I'll refund your money if you just get the hell outta here and never come back!" Haha! That's both hilarious and sad at the same time!

Dwell

I've been sitting here watching movies all week. During the girls "naptime", and I put that in quotation marks because they rarely ever go to sleep, I've been sitting here and just watching films. Mostly on Netflix, sometimes on the DVR and On Demand, but I've just been bored and trying not to think too much. I'm still hurt over that friend thing, which I won't speak of. I rarely speak of it to family and friends. I mean, it's a little traumatic, and I'm not trying to hide that I have feelings, but I just don't understand the situation and I can't just pretend, so I'll just try not to think about it non-stop. Because I know damn well she's not thinking about me.

And I'm not trying to be one of this people who are like "Fuck it, Next!" and get all ghetto and be all like "Fuck that bitch she blah blah blah to me", because that's not who I am. I think this was a learning experience. First of all, if your instincts are telling you that something is wrong, listen to your instincts. Don't just tell yourself that you have to do this and that and it's all in your head. Listen to your heart. I've been listening to my heart a lot lately.

But I really can't just dwell, can I? I have 2 more shows left of "Reservoir Bitches" and I'm going to start working on projects with my cast mate/friend Lisa. She's this talented actor/comedian who has been really kind to me. We have great conversations in between waiting to go back out on stage. She's given me some perspective too. I'm really going to miss these girls once the show ends. And yes, I can see them outside of the show, but it's not going to be the same like when we're all together with a common goal every Thursday night. I had a great conversation with Tina and walked down Hollywood Blvd. with other Lisa last Thursday looking for a shop that sells rubber ears. Yes, you read that right. I miss Carmen, who was in a car accident and had to drop out of the show because her doctor said so. She was always encouraging me to go out and do stand-up, as she's been out here playing the comedy club circuit for a while. Felicia and I have recently been talking a lot too. She's really sweet and talented. She's given me a lot of advice also. She's even giving me workout advice. Aliss has been a sweetheart too. We're in the heist scene together. She always seems perfectly calm before each show. She calms me down! And then the more I talk to Arae, the more I realize that her and I have too much in common! We can quote "Empire Records" and sing old Degrassi songs together. Remember the Zits? "Everybody wants something, and never give up!" We were singing that backstage this past Thursday night. lol

Oh well. I guess I'll have to get everybody together in a few weeks, cause I'm gonna miss them way too hard. 

Laters.