When You're Used to Distractions

I haven't kept up with my blog much, I know. It's bad especially now that I have so much more time to write. All 3 kids are in school 5 days a week now, so there's no excuse, right? Right?! But lately I've felt like I've had writer's block. I haven't been able to complete a thought.

I have ideas, yes. I'm not totally blocked. I've sat down at my computer and tried to write whole ideas out, but for some reason or another, I can't finish them. And during the day, I'm not being interrupted. I have the tv off and the phone isn't ringing non-stop. Perhaps it's the quiet that I have to get used to and just listen to myself. I don't think I'm used to fully listening to myself. When you're use to distractions, it's quite hard to work without them. Does that make sense?

The incredible Jack Plotnick and me

Meanwhile, I'm getting back into acting. No auditions yet, but I did meet with an acting coach last week. He did so much for me! He's a great guy, named Jack Plotnick, who I've seen on television a lot. A friend of mine, Arae, suggested I sign up for his e-mails to find out when his acting lectures are taking place. I decided to look him up on Facebook and ask him about personal coaching. He's not too expensive so I set up a time with him last Monday.

Honestly, he was amazing! I told him about my anxiety issues and he gave me tips on how to get those thoughts out of your head. I memorized a scene to do a mock audition for him a few days earlier. When I got there, I was sure I wouldn't remember it and told him how nervous I was. I always am with new people. It  usually takes a lot for me to be comfortable around new people. For some reason or another, I was very comfortable around him. I did my scene, nervously, but I remembered it, which was surprising to me. We then began to talk and he had me recall some things to tell him about where I grew up, etc., which got me even more comfortable. He then told me to do my scene again, and I was able to go right into it. I wasn't nervous.

When I finished, he smiled. He told me it was amazing and that it looked very natural, not like acting. He told me even that it was "award-winning" acting. If you know me, you know I have problems taking compliments. I was like "what?! No way!" but he tried to convince me to believe in myself and don't be so hard on myself. Do you know how many people have told me that I'm too hard on myself??

I also have this thing where I assume that people don't like me. And I can't stand the idea of someone secretly hating me. It's such a people-pleasing thing of wanting to know if such-and-such likes me and how I can get someone to like me, or like me more. Yes, I know, I shouldn't be that way and I shouldn't care what other people think about me. I should just live my life and "do me" or whatever. I'm working on it. That's what I have a therapist for.

My Therapist Says...

I had this plan to try to blog everyday once the girls were in school, but things don't always go as planned. They are now in their third week of school and this is the first blog I've posted in forever. It's been at least a month since I even looked at this thing. But in my defense, a lot has been going on.

By a "a lot", I really mean "not much". I know. I just contradicted myself. It feels like nothing's been going on, I mean. No job, nothing exciting. I'm not doing any stand-up and tv show appearances. I haven't been on Inside Edition in over a month. Not that they don't want to use me or anything, it's just they haven't needed commentary on certain news stories, except one day last week. They called, but I had such a sore throat that my speaking voice wasn't normal. I was barely squeaking out words so I had to turn them down.

The first week of school, I was a little depressed. My twins started kindergarten and Ani started 2nd grade. It was just a reminder that they are growing up and there was nothing I can do about it. At least when Ani started kindergarten, I had the twins to focus on. Now, no one's at home for me to focus on. Except for me.

I started seeing a therapist. She wants me to focus on me. I'm so used to putting other people first, I've forgotten what I wanted. I've forgotten what I came out here to do before it's too late. Honestly, I never expected to be a mom, but I certainly never saw myself as this over-obsessive "helicopter" parent. I drop them off at school, then stand outside of the gate watching them in their respective lines. I dress all three of them alike everyday. I'm overly worried about if the twins are making friends and if their teacher is paying attention to them.

Focus on me? That's kind of a joke, right? Yes, I now have hours in the day where I can have a full thought uninterrupted, but what else am I supposed to be doing? I've been making money by Tweeting for major brands. I buy stuff cheap then sell them on eBay for profit. That's my business. That's what I've been doing to bring extra money into the house. But I haven't done stand-up in months, I haven't been on any auditions, and I haven't even been keeping up with this blog.

My therapist says I'm too hard on myself. She's right, I know. I put a lot of pressure on myself to do certain things and if I don't succeed, I kick myself when I'm down. This week I've felt much better about things. Last week I was sick and kept the girls home a few days because they were sick too. I spent those days laying around, taking medicine and eating very little. I lost a few pounds. This week, I'm reassessing and making myself "do". I have all of this time to do what I moved my family out here to do. And there's this voice in the back of my head that's sing-songing "Don't screw it  upppp". Well I'm telling that voice to FUCK OFF.

Was this entire post one big, long ramble? See...I'm still being too hard on myself. Don't tell my therapist.