Saturday, January 28, 2012

A Little Paranoid...

I'm sleepy, drinking wine and in bed watching "Dateline: Real Life Mysteries" on TLC. Okay, first of all, it's 11:35 on a Saturday night, I'm in bed with my husband, and I'm on my laptop, while he's on his Ipad. WTF, right? It's been a weird day. I went to Wal-Mart, bought some vitamins and health food stuff, seeing as how I'm a vegetarian now...again. I've felt a little light-headed since I gave up fish and eggs also, so I went and bought some supplements, including iron pills and protein powder for smoothies. Yeah, I don't find this gross, as I've bought the pre-made smoothies at Target that have protein powder in it already. I guess I'm just considered a weirdo in my family.

Me & my 5 year old daughter, Anneka Lucia

My aunt has been over all weekend, which is cool, because that gives me and Bry time to go out and do things without the kids, as we're trying to remember what it's like to just be married, and not just be "mommy and daddy". So we go out and run around the suburbs, not too far away, and I'm always a little paranoid, thinking about the kids. So we get back, and my aunt tells me that Mia had woken up crying for a minute or two, then went back to sleep, and that Ani had a nightmare and she had to calm her down. Yes, I felt guilty. I felt, for a moment, that I should have been there to calm her down. Usually, if I hear her mumbling in her sleep and sounding distressed, I go in her room and kiss her forehead and her cheek and whisper "It's okay" and "I love you", and usually, it works. It's almost like perhaps I work my way into the scary dream and it un-scaries it. I hope that's what happens. Tonight, I felt like I should have been here to kiss her and get rid of the nightmare. Yes, I'm crazy paranoid like that. And do you see why I never do anything??! LOL

Anyway, the kids are fine, they were well taken care of, Auntie Martha handled the situation fine, she didn't need to call me, and keep in mind, she's been dealing with kids much longer than I have. Yes, I'm sure Ani would have preferred to have me here to comfort her, but she was fine and I have to just look at it like that.

I'm getting out of my head, though. I'm working on it. You know, I never thought I would have kids. My brother's kids made me nervous. Perhaps it was because he came over with 4-5 of them at a time and I was a teenager, or maybe because I was always told I was a fuck-up and a dropout and I could never have the patience for kids. Now, I'm that mom who's like "There's too many kids at the playground, I don't want the girls to get knocked down by the bigger kids" or "that's not 100% juice!" I sing along to the Wiggles...I love Pocoyo just as much as they do...and no, it's not weird to be that invested in your kids...I just hope that my fears and paranoia don't end up affecting them. I want them to be able to go out into the world and try new things and if they aren't successful at everything I try, I don't want them to be afraid to try again. And I will never call them failures or screw-ups or God forbid, fuck-ups. I'll be here with open arms, and convince them to try again.

Okay, enough of this snizz. I'm going back to whooping on Bry in "Words with Friends". He is yet to beat me. Perhaps I should let him win to help his self-esteem....nahhhhhhhh!


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