Your Beauty is My Muse

So we're driving through Griffith Park, going up into the hills, blasting Sucre's new album, and realizing that I belong here. I've never been this happy. All of the hard work, sacrifice, arguments and positive thinking finally got us here. We drove up to the Griffith Park Observatory, where parts of Rebel Without a Cause was filmed. Now I want to watch it again and relive that magical first time I saw that film and it changed my life. The first time I really saw Natalie Wood and just fell awesomely in love with her. After that film, I decided she was my favorite actress and saw "Love With the Proper Stranger", which is now one of my favorite films of all time.
And James Dean. My God. James Dean. To find out years later that we share a birthday (February 8th). What an amazing actor he was. He was so compelling in that film.

I'm writing a film right now that I think is going to change my life. I have so much hope and faith in the idea and I think I'm doing my best writing to date. I'm obsessed with it. I spent hours listening to Sucre in the bedroom the other day with Bry, and I was sitting up in bed with my laptop open and just writing and writing, and checking notes that I had written a few months back when I first began writing this script. And I can see it. It looks like a completed film in my mind. I feel like this could be the script that finally garners attention for me. It's going to be the story that gets me my house on a hill in Silverlake or Los Feliz. It's going to be the story that changes my life. And I'm halfway done with the first draft. I'm not going to talk about what it's called, what it's about, blah blah blah yet. I'll get there, at some point. Right now, I'm just concentrating on the journey.

These experiences that I'm having gives me these beautiful ideas. Looking from the Griffith Observatory and realizing we were so high up that we could see the Hollywood sign and pretty much all of Los Angeles, just inspired me. L.A., your beauty is my fucking muse.

When we went to Santa Monica pier last week, and we were driving along the freeway and realized that there was this thick fog covering the area and the temperature began to drop drastically and we were cold, but yet I still got out of that car and walked across the sand and put my feet in the ocean. That was the first time I'd ever been to the ocean. And yes, it was cold, and yes, I had a two year old on my hip who thought she would have to get wet too...(I told Mia "I'm not putting you in the water...I'm your mommy, don't you trust me??" and my gorgeous girl said "No"! LOL) I just let the water wash over my feet a couple of times, and that was good enough to get me just a little emotionally. I'd finally made it here. I finally made it to L.A.

These experiences are leading up to something. And there's still a lot left to explore. There's still Venice Beach! There's still Zuma Beach! There's Malibu! Pacific Coast Highway! A bunch of things left to explore in L.A. Can't wait!!!

Mia, at the observatory today. Love my girls!

My Love for Natalie Wood

All of this Natalie Wood news is really bothering me. Natalie Wood is part of the reason why I became an actress. As a little girl, my mother showed me "West Side Story" and "Rebel Without a Cause" and I wanted to  see more of her films, so my mother showed me "Love With the Proper Stranger", which solidified my adoration of her.  To this day, "Stranger" is one of my favorite films of all time.

But one must understand where the upset comes from. Almost the entire time I've been alive, I knew Natalie was dead. She died when I was a baby. I was born that February, she died in November. So, at some point, we were alive at the same time, so unfortunately, no, I guess it's impossible for me to be the reincarnation of her...but all jokes aside, all of this news of reopening her case is almost like I have to deal with her death! I watched Inside Edition yesterday, and after all of the news of Regis' last day on the air, the news shifted to the depressing story of Natalie's death...and they showed news footage from 1981 of the body bag that held her body. It fucked me up! It felt like dealing with Selena's death all over again.

And it's so sad to have to deal with the death of someone who inspires you, the reason why you dream of greater things...just last week I was in Hollywood, at Grauman's Chinese theater, putting my hands in Natalie's handprints. It was surreal. I felt her presence! It was amazing! I wanted to thank her for being so amazing and giving me these dreams of being an actress and thinking that it was possible to be like her, so adored, so respected. And then seeing her star on the walk of fame, of course, I had to take a picture with it! And now, I come home, to the reality of packing and being more than 3000 miles away from the place I belong, and I'm sidetracked by all of this news of her death! It feels almost like she just died!

What is also weird is, I always, to some extent, felt like Natalie belonged to me! I know that sounds mad crazy, but when you ask people who their favorite classic Hollywood actresses are, they never really say Natalie Wood! Not everyone in the world knows who she is! People usually say Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn...no one ever says Natalie Wood! But me! And my auntie Carolyn, who said she cried when she found out Natalie died. She was old enough to have dealt with her death in 1981. I feel like I have to deal with it now.

So in the meantime, while packing and preparing to move, I'm going to watch "Rebel" and "West Side Story" and teach my daughters about who she was and why she was amazing. And I'll shed a tear or two, and always think of her when I'm dreaming of someday being a classic Hollywood actress.

On a side note, my Auntie Martha says I remind her of Natalie because we both always wear too much eye make-up. She says we both have such pretty eyes, we shouldn't wear such thick black eyeliner! Auntie Martha is hilarious, right?!

Out.