Never Tired of the Beach

Mia at Zuma Beach in Malibu, CA

I've been tired, you guys. They said that during the second trimester I'd have more energy. They lied! Well, first of all, I have been doing more than normal. In between shopping for back to school for Anneka, Mia and Laila, we've been trying to get them out of the house to have fun. We've driven around so they can find Pokemon on their phones and we've been going to the beach! We've decided the only place to go to the beach is either Pacific Palisades or Malibu. Not because we're uppity and we're like "Malibu is the only place to be!" it's because it's the easiest place to find parking, easy access to the beach bathrooms and the cleanest sand. When we first moved here, we were all about the beaches you see on tv and in movies, Santa Monica and Venice Beach. The last time we went to Santa Monica, it was over-crowded and took us forever to find parking. The last time we went to Venice Beach, it was over-crowded, took us forever just to get towards the parking only to find out it was expensive, oh and full! And then we ended up at Will Rogers State Beach in Pacific Palisades. This past Sunday, we went straight to Zuma Beach in Malibu. Okay, all beach bathrooms are gross. Even in Malibu! That'll always be a complaint, especially while pregnant. That's why we do potty breaks while driving all the way from Glendale to Malibu. It's like an hour drive with three kids. We have to stop at a fast food place along the way usually. Once we were there, it was great, totally worth the trip! The twins, who are usually afraid to go near the water, got over their fear finally! There was a lot of "I'll hold your hand" at first, but then it go to a point where I was trying to explain to Mia why she couldn't go further into the water, reminding her that we need to get her swim lessons (and honestly, we should've done that already! What is wrong with us?!). But it's okay. They were just fine with the water going up to their knees and building sand castles. Then we got home in time to give everyone showers, wash hair, and get them dinner and in bed at a semi-decent time.

I love the beach, but it truly leaves me exhausted! I went to bed that night around 9:30! Then the next day, I had my prenatal appointment. I got to see the baby again on the ultrasound and she hand her hand up and moving like she was dancing. It's probably all that kpop we listen to!

I want to go back to the beach more. It's so relaxing, especially now that we have chairs and a huge beach tent that covers all of us. Now we need one of those coolers with wheels because we go with a ton of food each time!

Nesting!

It's really hard when you're nesting but you have no energy to do anything! I want to paint all the walls in our apartment, go look for a new car, clean the refrigerator and start re-arranging our bedroom! I don't have the energy for ANY of this, but little by little, I guess I'll get it done.

Part of the problem is I've been having trouble sleeping. And it didn't help that I was watching O.J. Simpson: Made in America before bed! There's a lot of gruesomeness. The murders and case took place when I was a kid, so a lot of the details of the case I didn't know! For some reason, all of a sudden this country chose to revisit the case through the tv show and this documentary, but I'm hooked. And yes, I've completely changed my opinion on the case. I mean, I was like 12 when this happened! I knew nothing!

It's also been super hot in Los Angeles, to a point where your ac and central air has to work overtime just to keep you from melting! We have central air, and had it running all day and found ourselves in the back of the apartment where it was cooler! The "real feel" actually hit 111 degrees a few days ago! It doesn't bother me too much, but it does make you feel more tired. We stayed in the house, drinking lots of ice water.

So my plans for the rest of this day includes a nap, cooking dinner, and then going to bed. Exciting!

First Update in a While

Yes, I realize I haven't updated this blog at all this year. Why, you ask? Yes, I'm busy, but we're all busy. This blog was once quite important to me and I used to always find time to update it. Once I realized more and more people were visiting the site and were reading my nonsense and updates about my day-to-day life, I got used to updating several times a week. I'm not exactly sure why I stopped updating, but I will get back to this. This blog was fun. And as I've always said, I'm pretty much an open book.

Quick update, I'm currently pregnant with baby #4! After a miscarriage a few months ago and being totally devastated by it, we were blessed once again. The baby is okay (I even got to see him or her move around on ultrasound yesterday at my doctor's!) My girls are very excited to be all be big sisters! We're hoping for a boy, but of course, I'd be totally happy with a girl! Yes, we already have names picked out! It's a surprise! I'll update this blog when we find out the sex!

That's all for now. I'm going back to watching The Big Bang Theory. I promise more updates in the near future! Later!

KPop Megapost

I'm totally obsessed with KPop right now, and no, I don't need to explain but I will.

It's fun finding new music to listen to. I'm quite open-minded when it comes to music so I'll give nearly anything a chance (though I am quick to write off an entire band and all of their songs based on disliking one song, so in hindsight, perhaps I'm not that open-minded musically? haha!)
However, it's been fun discovering bands I've never heard of and songs I've never heard. Of course, it started with Ladies Code. This time last year, the group was trending on Twitter and when I found out why, my heart broke. The 5-member girl group had been involved in a tragic accident, killing one member instantly and then another member dying just 4 short days later. It was heartbreaking to their fans, and once I listened to one song, I became a fan. Now, if you know me, you know my favorite KPop group is now Ladies Code and they will always be number 1, but in the past few months, I've given a few other groups/singers a listen. Here's my list of some of my favorites, starting with...

Of course, Ladies Code. Here's the song "Hate You", the song that made me a fan, followed by their very first song, "Bad Girl", which is now my favorite.

Here are a few of my other favorite singers/groups, in no particular order:

Girl's Day, "Female President"

Girl's Generation, "Catch me If You Can"

Sunny Hill, "The Grasshopper Song"

Ailee, "U&I" (girl can sannggggg!)

Crayon Pop, "Dancing Queen" (they toured with Lady Gaga last year)

2Yoon, "24/7" (KPop Country?? Somehow it works)

4Minute, "Volume Up" (2 of the girls in this group is in 2Yoon!)

AOA, "Get Out" (Can you guess which movie character each girl is??)

One more Ladies Code video, cause why not? It's called "Pretty Pretty". 

Work For It

I went to a great acting lecture last night in Hollywood. I worked with this acting coach named Jack Plotnick, who is a very good actor himself. I get these e-mails about when he has these lectures and workshops and it was my first time going to one. I had Bry drop me off because I figured there was no point in rushing down there and still had to find parking. Either way, I got there a little late but I stayed for both lectures. He talked about how to prepare for auditions and letting go of anxiety, very helpful stuff.

I went ahead and signed up for L.A. Casting again. I need work! My kids are in school and I'm sitting at home bored all day! I'm also looking for a part time job in the meantime because I want to try to rent a house. We need more room. We're a family of 5. I want a yard for my girls to play in. I want a dog! I want a porch and a nice little table on the porch or patio to have my coffee on after I drop the girls off at school. I love where I live, don't get me wrong. We have a really nice apartment, 2 bathrooms, a dishwasher, nice stuff that I didn't have in Chicago Ridge. This is also a nice neighborhood and the girls go to a really good school, but I want more. I'm sorry, I'm 34, I'm at this age where I want to drive a better car, live in a better place, be able to go buy things when I want them. Maybe that sounds shallow, I don't know. We're doing okay, though. Our bills are paid and we always have food. But I want just a little bit more. And I'm willing to work for it.

We're Talking Wayyyyyyy Back

I went to the dentist yesterday. Ouch. That's all I have to say about that. Friggin' ouch.

We found a house right around the corner from us. It's a 3 bedroom 2 bath and it's pink. Yes. It's pink. The girls could stay at the same school and it's only one story so my aunt could get around easily. But the deposit for it...whoa, the deposit. We're trying to figure this out, fast. I'm so afraid someone else is going to take the house that we're meant for.

I've been talking to an old friend. An old, old friend. Not like she's old, she's actually younger than me, but old as in, known-since-the-womb old. We're talking wayyyyyyy back. But that's another blog.

I have an acting lecture later today. Yep, I'm getting back into that. My girls are in school longer now and I need a life! I need to get back to do what I love. No more excuses. I'm talented and I need to remember that.

Later gators.

I Feel Old

I haven't updated this blog in a while. I know, I say that every time I come back to this thing. The truth of the matter is, I haven't had much time. All summer, I was home with the kids. We did a lot this summer. My Aunt Carol visited for the month of June and she's really into getting out and doing stuff, so it forced me to get out more. We took the girls to the playground more often. I also got a Fitbit to count my steps.

Then last month I decided to become a vegan. I was a vegetarian on and off through my teen years and 20s. I didn't have the right kind of discipline, or money, to keep it up. And when others around you are all "How can you give up fried chicken?", it was easy for me to go back to meat. It's not going to happen this time.

I'll try to update this blog more often now that the girls are back in school. Anneka is in 3rd grade and the twins are in 1st grade. And I feel old.

My new short comedy

Hi gang,

I made this short comedy with my daughters, Anneka, Mia & Laila. It was based on the fact that kids ask a LOT of questions. Sometimes my Anneka asks these really crazy, but cute questions. A year ago, I made a similar film entitled "Kid Questions", but decided to make a new one last week with real questions she's asked me over time.

I directed it, and this time I'm not in it at all, not even my voice. All I did was told her what to ask, and took several takes, using my iPhone 6 and then edited it on my MacBook Pro using iMovie. It's super short, but if you like, leave a comment, like the video on Youtube, all that good stuff! Hope you like it! Watch for my twin girls cheering at the end!


"Too Many Questions":

(c) Scenestealer Productions

Let it Rain

I haven't been blogging everyday. I know I said I would, and boy did I try, but then I got busy. So sue me! In hindsight, I guess I could've tried harder. I could say a lot has been going on, but not really.

I hadn't really felt like writing about my life. I thought about changing my blog to one of those "Hey, have you seen this movie?"-type review blog. But that's bullcrap. I started a blog to get my feelings out about things. Yes, I guess I could include movie reviews. That might be fun.

It's been super rainy in Los Angeles these past few days. I'm loving it! Some people around me are all "I'm sick of this rain!" I love it. Let it rain all weekend! Keep in mind, I don't really have to drive in it other than picking up the girls from school. Perhaps the people who have to get up and go to work would be annoyed with me saying "Let it rain!". Whatever.

It's when the rain comes that you forget you have barely any rain gear. The girls were late for school this morning because I had this realization that their rain boots no longer fit! What a fail! Ani is a kids size 5. Her boots are a size 3. Mia and Laila are in a 1. They are currently wearing size 13 boots, one of them being Ani's old, old rain boots. Ani had to take my old small umbrella. I might just need to buy her one. I guess I'll be headed to Target later.

Later!

Amazing Mother's Day

At the Little Tokyo Galleria in Los Angeles

I had an amazing Mother's Day. After a week of hits and misses, I had a really good day today. I woke up to my kids poking me going "Hey mom, you wanna open your presents??". Then Laila going "It doesn't feel like Mother's Day because no presents". It was 7:40 am. I realized, hey, my kids aren't just about getting presents themselves (like they are on Christmas, birthdays, etc.), they just love presents!

I got a huge bag of handmade cards and drawings and different crafts they made at school and on Saturday afternoon after I passed out in my bed after cleaning and rearranging all of the kitchen cabinets. Yes, I did that. I put on a movie in the living room for my aunt to watch with the girls and I literally hurt myself cleaning the cabinets. It was worth it. I guess. I severely needed a massage after that. But whatever, exercise!

After breakfast (Denny's take-out, cause balls to going there, waiting for a table then having to deal with a large crowd of people and having to take all three girls to the Denny's bathroom at some point). So after gifts (including a blue jean vest, a banana pillow that actually smells like banana, a Supergirl necklace and matching earrings, a mini banana plush and a cute little Ty Beanie Boo owl that Ani got for me). After reading the beautiful card that Ani wrote me and Bry wrote me (that made me cry, geez), Bry went to get the food.

Later in the day, we went to Little Tokyo in downtown L.A. to a Japanese shopping mall that I didn't know existed until today. Bry used one of those claw machines to try to win a plush loaf of bread for me. It's like a neck pillow that looks like a loaf of bread, seriously!

We did some shopping. We had fun. We goofed around. My thighs hurt from all of the walking, but at least I had on my Converse!

And now I'm trying to write this and make it make sense while watching last night's episode of SNL with the aunt and husband. I'm tired and I'm going on Mia's field trip with her and her class in the morning as a chaperone. It's her first field trip! More walking. More, more walking. But I'm excited to spend that time with my little Mia.

I thought Mia looked like this pic I found in my wallpaper app. 

Okay, I did my post for the day. Laters!

From Bad to Good...a week of fails

I've had a rough week. Yes, I'm aware that other people have it worse and I can always count my blessings. I know it could be a lot worse, but that still doesn't detract away from the fact a few things have screwed-up my week in epic proportions. First, there was the kitchen fire, then I scratched up my van, then I almost got into an accident that would've been my fault, etc., etc. Did I also mention that I dropped all the cornbread muffins on the floor? I know that sounds HILARIOUS, but the twins cried and cried. Yeah, they're not foodies, they don't care too much about food, but they love cornbread! Haha.

So yeah, it could be worse, I'm aware. I've been beating myself up over things I've done this week and going "what a week of fails", but at the same time, I can say "It's just a bad week, things will be better next week".

It's okay. Everything is fine, obviously. I still haven't heard about that big job I applied for but sometimes, no news is good news! I try to stay positive and remind myself how fucked up some other people have it. I try to always remind my daughters that they have things way better than I had it growing up. I go "Do you have both of your parents in the house? Yeah? Then hush!" They also have more toys, food and love than they need. They are more than loved, they're adored. The great George Lopez said that.

Anyway, so then we went out last night, the husband and me. I got on the guest list at the Comedy Store (they announce through Twitter that the guest list is open so you don't have to pay the cover. I don't think I've ever paid a cover to get into a comedy club). I went specifically to see Chris D'elia. Now, if you're my friend or have followed my blog, you know the Chris D'elia deal. If you're not familiar, let me give you some background.

I have adored Chris D'elia since I first saw him on T.J. Miller's awesome but now cancelled show "Mash Up" that came on Comedy Central. Chris is so energetic and confident but also, at times, self-deprecating. He's one of the few people that make me laugh so hard my chest hurts. There's only one other person who makes me laugh that hard, and that's Josh Fadem, who's an amazing comedic actor but also my friend.

I laughed last night, had a great date night with the husband, then ran into Chris out on the Comedy Store patio when we were leaving. He remembered me from the many other times I've run into him and I told him congrats on the Undateable show renewal at NBC. I told him "I'm your number one fan, you know, other than your mom" and he laughed. I made Chris laugh. He then hugged me when saying good-bye and thanked me for my support. Night...made.

The Power of Great Friends

I had an off day yesterday. I started beating myself up over everything that's been going wrong. Keep in mind, nothing huge is going wrong. I know how blessed I am to have the life that I have with the people that surround me. I am grateful. But don't you just have those days where everything bothers you?

Sometimes, I get this feeling of doom and just think 'It's probably better if I just stay in bed'. Most days, I'm okay, truthfully. I don't sweat the small stuff and things just roll right off of me. Maybe it's because of the small kitchen fire that happened this past Sunday that I can't stop blaming myself for or the fact that I scratched the back of the van after pulling out of our parking spot. Keep in mind, I've cooked probably thousands of times on this stove in the 3 years since we've lived here and I've never severely burned food or caught the stove on fire. The one time I do it, I think "I'm never cooking again, that's it!" I know it sounds silly and I'm probably too old to have these thoughts and have this approach to life. I should know better. I probably shouldn't be beating myself up over putting another little scratch on the van, considering it's little and at least I didn't hit anybody or another car.

Today, things are looking a bit clearer. Yesterday all I could think was "I suck, what a terrible week!". Then I ran into Luisa, my friend who I have way too much in common with, including the same amount of daughters, and she made me feel better. She looked at the damage and pretty much kept me from crying, reminding me that it wasn't a big deal. Then I spent a while texting with Laura, another really good friend who has been there for me before when I needed support.

I try not to be one of those people who feel the need to tell everyone when I'm having a shitty day. But every now and then, you need to vent to people other than your husband. Every now and then, you need good, supportive friends who are going to say to you "It's okay, it's no big deal, you'll be fine." It's always so comforting talking to my two best friends, Luisa and Laura. They're two of the kindest, smartest people I've ever known. I'm very thankful for them also.

So in hindsight, I guess I'm doing much better today. I threw myself a little pitty party yesterday (with a few tears) and then picked myself back up. Besides, who has time to wallow in unnecessary sadness? I have to go grocery shopping, load the dishwasher then pick up the girls from school! I also have to find time for a workout today, but that's another post for another day.

That time we went to the beach

School is almost out for my girls. It's awesome because we have a lot of summer plans. I'm signing them up for either dance or music classes (or both), and we're going to explore all of the great things Los Angeles and beyond has to offer. I'm talking about the beach, farmer's markets, museums, the beach, the zoo, the beach, picnics in the park, the beach, oh, and did I mention the frickin' beach?

I'm sorry. I love Malibu. It's one of the reasons why living here is so awesome for me. I never thought I'd be a beach bum (especially considering I can't swim), but hey, here we are. The first time I visited the ocean was magical. We'd lived here for only 2 weeks and I needed to see the Santa Monica pier close-up. We drove all the way there just to realize that it's much colder in Santa Monica than it is in the valley. The girls had on dresses and no jackets. Thank God we had a throw from Ikea in the back of the van, so we could throw it over the twins who were 2 years old and still in a double stroller! I put my jacket on Ani and of course the husband wasn't cold. Ever. I'm pretty sure he's never been cold in his entire life.

Photo from that day, Santa Monica 2012

Nevertheless, we walked around the pier and then I announced that no matter how frickin' cold it was, I was determined to stick my feet in the ocean. I'd never been to the ocean, so I was going to stick some part of my body in it! So we all did. We took off our shoes, walked across the cold sand and stood there waiting for the tide to come in. It was so refreshing and cold! I giggled. Ani giggled. The twins cried. They were NOT having it!

I found it invigorating. We left right after that, going back to the van and apologizing profusely to the little ones. A great time was had by all. Well, not Mia and Laila. They were not happy after that. Don't worry, they fell asleep in the van 5 minutes after we drove off. Now they're beach bums too. They can't wait to go to our favorite place in the world, Zuma Beach!

Healthy Food Stuffs

I went to the doctor recently (actually switched doctors because my doctor was such a douche), and was totally shocked to hear that, (gasp) I'm overweight!

Okay, I'm being sarcastic, obviously, but I started thinking about my girls and being around for my grandchildren someday and blah blah blah, I'm taking this weight loss thing more seriously. I can't afford to be unhealthy, like not eating enough because I have three little girls who depend on me for getting them to and from school and everything else. I have to eat healthier, that's one thing. I don't eat a lot of junk food, but when I do, I always think "I could've had something much healthier". I've been keeping a lot of fresh organic fruit in the house and now that I have a Nutribullet juicer, I put spinach and kale in everything. I've also learned that sauteed Kale with spinach is magical. Delicious!

Also, cucumbers with everything. Cucumbers have so many health benefits including, hello!, keeping your skin looking healthy! I have better skin now than I had in my 20s! I chop up cucumbers and put them in my Nutribullet, my water, my salads, or just to eat as a snack.

One thing I can't do is put broccoli in my juice. Yuck! Seriously. I love broccoli,  you guys, but I'd much rather eat it! Keep in mind, the fruit that I usually put in masks the flavor of the spinach and kale but it seems nothing masks the flavor of broccoli in juice! And I use a variety of fruits: strawberries, mango, pineapple, apple, orange and blueberries. Even with all of the fruit, and sometimes half of a banana, I still taste the broccoli! No offense, broccoli. I still love you!

As for working out, I've been using this app called Argus on my iPhone 6. It counts your steps, lets you keep a food diary by taking pictures of your food and you can time your workouts. It even directly syncs with the new Health Kit for iPhone and you can download other apps for it to sync with, including the ones that can take your heart rate or if you choose to get an Apple Watch, which I'm not because I still can't see the point of it. I've also been doing 30 minutes of yoga everyday. My back thanks me.

I'll keep you all updated on my progress. I understand it's easier to motivate yourself if you blog about it. I lost 3 lbs last week, which I know isn't a huge deal, but it's a start, right?!

Documentaries and managers and writing stuff

I haven't posted in a while. I'm not exactly sure why, though I'm constantly writing.

A lot has been going on. I'm just reluctant to share sometimes. I think because it's family reading this also and I don't want people worried about me. It's also because sometimes I feel like I don't want to share things that are too personal. I'm not sure if I'm afraid of judgement or what. Either way, I'm doing fine.

I started filming a documentary and I have a lot of footage I've been editing. It's basically just about my life. I've filmed a lot of dramatic things, including an argument. I'm not sure I should include it in the documentary, seeing as how I plan to send it to film festivals, but art is art, right? I really have to think on this one.

Also, my manager decided to not represent me anymore. I tried to get him to make calls on my behalf and get literary agents interested in me. He knows that I have 3 completed full-length screenplays and a pilot that I've had tv writers critique for me. All he tried to do was send me on acting auditions. I told him I wasn't trying to act right now, it's not my passion. But yet, all he did was send me emails about acting auditions. It's okay, because I was doing things on my own behalf anyway. It wasn't heart-breaking to me when he sent me an e-mail, not a phone call, but a really impersonal e-mail stating he no longer wanted to represent me because "he's had trouble getting me work". I need an agent, period. I don't need anyone to manage me, truthfully. Not everyone has a manager, especially at this point in their careers. My cousin told me I should've gotten rid of him anyway. Good luck to him, no hard feelings.

Other than that, there was a small kitchen fire here, just on the stove. But that's a story for another day. Laters.

Angie

Short story- "Sophia Died Today"

This is something I wrote for my book of short stories called "Unsent Letters". It's fiction. I wrote it a few weeks back. I hope you like it.

Sophia died today. I’m sorry I had to be the one to tell you. I was hoping you would hear it from another, as I hate to be a bearer of bad news.

You know she’d been sick and you hadn't come around lately. I’m not trying to make you feel worse than you already do, trust me. I’m only pointing it out because no one knew how to reach you. And she asked for you. She asked for you twice. Once, right after you left for the last time. The second and final time, it was the day that she died. Today.

In the morning, I got a call from Norman. He told me he’d been up with Sophia most of the  night. He said she’d awakened several times in the night and would start coughing so badly that she was spitting out blood. She was in and out of sleep. At one point, he said he could hear her talking, whispering. He went closer to her and noticed she had fallen asleep again, but was talking to someone. She said “It only hurts some of the time”. And that’s all he could make out.

She refused to go back to the hospital. She knew her time was near and didn't want to die in that sterile place, hooked up to machines. She wanted to leave on her own terms in her own bed in the house she so dearly loved.

She would tell me about the great times she had in that house with her husband before he died. She told me stories of the Christmases she spent there, surrounded by her children. There was so much love and warmth, leftover from the memories she cherished. She wanted to be there in the bed she shared with Raymond, with the pictures of her family on the walls. No one wanted to rip her away from that. So we stayed with her the whole time. Mostly in her room.

Did you know that Sophia was only 75? I know it seems like a lot, compared to us. She’d lived a lot before we came into her care. Her stories never got old to me, though. Even the ones I’d heard before, I was always happy when she’d retell them. Her eyes would light up and I could see what happened, in her eyes.

Sophia was not our mother. I know that’s what you’d say because you've said it before. I know in some ways, you feel as if she failed you. Again, I don’t want to make you feel worse. Even if you won’t admit it to me, I know that you missed her. And you have to know that she missed you too. Sophia did all she could possibly do for you. And if your mother hadn't come back, she was going to keep you, like she kept Norman and me.

I walked into her room this morning, knowing she was gone. They’d taken her out of there, and even though I knew she was gone, I could still feel her there. I could feel her warmth. If you want to say good-bye, I’m sure you can feel her there too.

Purgatory

The money is gone

And you never came

Too hot for the sun

On the northwest side

Between heaven and hell

Your splendor,

Blatantly lied,

Asleep in sadness

And attempted murder

Wipe the crusts from your eyes,

Curly-haired girl

And remaining,

In grief

And complaining

As I write to remember

Your sensitive side

And just one more mystery

inside of your shadow

Blue Poisons

My soul cries without the burning embers of your touch

I am naked, disarmed, without shelter

And with dreams of a humble smile

And to fear away from a shallow touch

Since craving your naked skin, warm body

Eyes so inviting, loving, sensitive touch

Years of dreams, finally coming to fruition

And blue poisons ruining forever

Living a terrible reality of manic indefiance

Growing vastly, running quickly to the sober light

Enduring rivers that flow at the thought of you

And tears that only appear in the dark of night

Since when do I plead for an emotional touch

I can’t withstand this grueling hour of invalidity

I will close my eyes and hear phrases, unused

And conjure spells in the back of my mind

I can’t bear to be without the sight of you

The uniqueness of your eyes and the warmth of your kiss

Your awaiting hands reaching for mine

And I pray for this moment, just a moment to exist

To show you my inner-strengths, I can achieve

But is there a point; is there shame in this?

What of the Promised Land we share in a kiss

Awaiting a kingdom, praying to exist

Or to drown in a river, an endless forever

A soul-less determination and a defining silence

A poison I will so happily die of

And a forever good-bye that’s worth a million lives

Come home to me.

Old Poetry: Without the Night

So I found some old poetry on my old laptop. I've decided to share, no matter how much anxiety it gives me. And it gives me great anxiety to share my writing sometimes. But I've learned from my many literary heroes. Not guts, no glory, right?

Without the Night

We’re all on the chopping block

But I’d rather be on yours

I’d rather be naked

Then covered in mud from his backyard

I try to resist temptation

But nothing’s left to be done

So I go my own way

And solitude follows

And I know I’m not a saint

I’ve sinned among the sinners

I’ve got it bad this time

And I just can’t shake it

When do we learn to fight?

When do we learn to heal?

Why is this so hard and disgusting

At the same time, appealing?

I will never trust

Though I have never lied

And the thought of lying next to you

Takes my breath

I hold it inside

The night overcomes us

And tragedy has fallen to light

This is a fucking nightmare

Although without the night.

But it's Shocking Though...

Sick Laila, lying on her dad.

I've barely had any sleep. I should be asleep now. Laila is sick, which sucks. These girls keep getting sick! The doctor has said before that it's just allergies and they take allergy medicine but I'm guessing they need something stronger. She's only running a low-grade fever and she's playing with Legos with her sisters. But you know what this means? The other two are at danger of getting sick! Ugh. I know, I know, little kids get sick, not a huge deal. But last night Laila slept in bed with me, which just makes me paranoid. I was taking her temp with the ear thermometer probably too many times. Every time she coughed a little, I woke up and checked on her.

Last night there was this huge storm! I mean, okay, I'm from Chicago, I've been through  huge storms before. It was just a little shocking because we don't experience these types of storms in Los Angeles. I've been here almost 3 years and I can't remember a time where a storm was this strong to a point where the windows were shaking and I thought for a second that perhaps there was a tornado.

And guess what?! There was a tornado! Granted, not in Glendale, but there was one spotted in south L.A.! Tell me that's not shocking! So now we have to worry about both Tornadoes and earthquakes. Great. Freakin' great.

But what am I talking about?! I'm not worried about these things. I'm worried about getting paid! The new year is approaching and I'm starting to feel antsy. The kids are in school and I got my creative juices flowing. There's so much more I could be doing. I have a manager, time to find an agent! And it's time to hit the stage again! I haven't done stand-up since April! Can I even be considered a comedian anymore?! I haven't auditioned in months! The last audition I had was over the summer for a commercial. I did go to an acting coach not that long ago. And I think I'm going to go back to iO West to finish their improv program. I really miss it. I started at Second City in Chicago. It's time to finally finish! I'd also like to do a web series.

Okay. I'm going back to watching the news about this storm. Tornadoes, man. Tornadoes. That's some bullshizz!

(Please God, no snow too!)