Sunday, April 22, 2012

Afraid to be

I have this habit of trying to be a people-person, though people frighten the hell out of me. I'm always afraid I'm going to say the wrong thing, hurt someone's feelings, rub someone the wrong way. So I sometimes do this thing where I tell people what they want to hear. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for telling you what you wanted to hear all the time, instead of telling you that you and your actions scare the hell out of me. I'm sorry that we've spent so much time together that your phone calls and texts started to bother me so much that I found myself turning my phone off or intentionally not answering them. That makes me a liar. I'm not perfect. I hate confrontation. In recent months when I tried to tell you what was wrong, I got attitude. I got yelled at a few weeks ago because you misunderstood something I said in a text, so I lied and said "I didn't mean it that way", because I didn't want to upset you. I didn't want this to happen.

I am also sorry that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I'm sorry that I felt, again, for the billionth time, that I couldn't talk to you. I felt like if I told you ANY of the things I was feeling, I'd be the horrible person. I'd be the bitch. Then you would go tell all your friends "Angie is horrible, Angie intentionally said these things to hurt me". I'm also sorry that you felt so much like family that I felt like I had to take your shit constantly and not say anything and that I was stuck. But during all of this, I've had these epiphanies that you were not there for me through the most important things that happened to me, you were only there to hear about it later. Where were you when my grandmother died? Where were you when my husband and I were separated? Where were you when I had a miscarriage? Oh right, you started a fight with me a week afterwards and I didn't talk to you for months and then I find out you were dogging me to everyone who would listen, including mutual friends. Where were you after you pushed away our other friend with your actions? Where were you when my husband was across the country for two weeks?

When I've tried to tell you that your behaviors scared me, or maybe something you've done that was unsafe, you called me judgmental. Is it really considered judgmental to tell someone you love that what you're doing can lead to bad things for them? Isn't that what a real friend does? So I kept my mouth shut lately. I don't say anything. Because if I speak up, I lose you. Well, I spoke up this time. I said I felt like you were taking advantage of my kindness. I tell you you're causing arguments between me and my husband because you keep asking for favors. You don't care. I tell you I'm stressed because I'm trying to keep both of you happy and apparently failing at it. I let you borrow our car and kept it from him! That was wrong! You didn't care.

I don't care about airing the dirty laundry right now. I don't care if this makes me look like a bad person putting my shit out there like that. I'm sick of being a liar. I'm sick of biting my tongue. I don't care if you tell everyone who'll listen that I'm a judgmental bitch who just said things to hurt you. The truth of the matter is, you made my life way more stressful lately than it had to be. I should not have had to have the conversation with you mother about how we worry about you, when I know I'm more worried because I know what you actually do all the time. And your secrets are safe with me, because whatever you do, I'm not going to go around telling everyone who'll listen exactly what you're doing, with who and when. And I'm just blogging about this now because I'm hurt and stressed and perhaps just a little self-destructive, so I'm not thinking clearly.

Now I'm going to go drink a glass of wine and get a massage from my husband. It's amazing he stays married to me, I know. For everytime I've hurt him and we've figured it out, I'll never understand it. For everytime he's hurt me in the past and he's made up for it. I'll never understand it. I really really really hope you find a friend who will be honest with you like I wanted to be but was too afraid to be.

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