Me doing stand-up! And a few of my favorite comedians

Video of my first gig ever, at Flappers in Burbank, CA! I still can't believe I did it!

I was super nervous leading up to it, but right before I got on stage, I told my self "This is something I've wanted to do forever. Go up there, and just do it!". Thank God for Bry and his support, and my dear cousin Kecia who flew out from Chicago for my show!
Also thanks to my great improv teacher Kevin Fleming, who is just the greatest teacher. He's the reason I got over my stage fright!

Wow, I sound like I'm giving an acceptance speech for an award. I am being so ridiculously annoying right now. But whatever, watch the video of my first time on stage! I'm working on getting much better so I can own the stage the way my hero Chris D'Elia does. You know what, I'll include a video of him too, just so you can see what I mean, in case you haven't heard of him.

This is from April 7th, 2013.

Chris D'Elia...my favorite comedian. I've met him 3 times now. He's a great guy.

My friend Brent Morin. He kills every time he's on stage. And not bad on the eyes, huh, ladies?? Hey, I can look! I'm not dead!

This, Chris D'elia with Bobby Lee. It's too funny not to post!

I've been performing and stuffs

Come catch me live!
May 12th, Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank
7pm $5!

Both of these shots taken at the Haha Comedy Club in North Hollywood, CA.

Oh, and here's some stupid shit I said and/or did this week:

Stand-up Updates

I have not been keeping up with this blog enough! I think I should make myself write a post on here once a week! Done! From now on, I'll update this thing once a week. Perhaps I should pick a particular day of the week when I have to put something! I never updated this thing to promote my last show or to talk about how great it felt to finally do stand-up! Let me start with that!

Okay, I wasn't that nervous, which I thought was weird. I was nervous, but not shaking and throw-uppy, like I expected. I knew I was going up 5th, so while the 3rd comic was on stage, I went to the washroom and just shook it off. I reminded myself that this was my biggest dream, being a stand-up comedienne, and that I was prepared. The emcee introduced me, and I ran up there! I had energy, I remembered all my jokes and even ad-libbed a bit! Everyone laughed, I was happy, blah blah blah, I'm playing there again May 12th! Oh, and I'm getting video of my set this week! Score!

I'm also doing open mics around Los Angeles and trying to book some more gigs. I have a pretty big audition coming up this Friday. I don't want to talk about it, I shouldn't have brought it up. But I'm preparing a new joke that just came about yesterday based on the true story of my damn building manager complaining about my little 3 year olds jumping. Okay, when I moved into this apartment, onto the second floor, they were 2 and way more noisy! Now, let me correct myself, this is the building manager's supervisor, who does not live in the building. Is it my fault that your floors and walls are cheap and thin and can hear every sound?! Should I staple my kids clothes to a chair and tell them to sit still all day? And they go to bed at 7:30...there's no late night loudness! In other words, shut up lady! I got way more to say there, but I'll save it for the stage!

Also, I got to go see Chris D'Elia for the 4th time last night. I also got to see Whitney Cummings, who had retweeted me earlier in the day. That was awesome! Got me new followers on Twitter! Also, Jeff Ross showed up, so did Dane Cook, and friggin' Finesse Mitchell, who used to be on SNL! That was awesome! And my friend Brent Morin hosted! He's this sweet adorable guy who just did a pilot with his good friend Chris D'Elia! Unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to say hi and hug Chris again, but I got to talk to and hug Brent. He's hilarious! I mean, his set absolutely kills!

Okay, that's enough for now! Don't forget to go to my author page on HelloGiggles.com and read my posts over there!

Shortest Post Ever

Got a big show coming up this Sunday at 7 at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank, CA.

I'm nervous, but I'm very prepared. It's my first gig, so of course I'm nervous. I'll be cool. My awesome cousin Kecia is flying in from Chicago to see me perform. We'll hang out while she's here too. It'll be cool to have some time to do something outside of Bry and the kids.

I guess I have no real update other than that. This might be my shortest blog post ever. Wow.

Laterz.

Sorta Long, Image Heavy Ramblings

So I've been way too busy! I'm not really complaining, but I'm pretty sure I used to update this blog wayyyyy more!

First off, I've been writing for this amazing site called HelloGiggles! I was asked by Molly McAleer (writer of 2 Broke Girls and co-founder of HG) to be a regular contributor! I have my own author page and everything! Pretty excited about it! I even wrote an article about how I became a contributor to the site, which started with me taking the Warner Brothers studio tour! They really should have me do commercials for their tours!

In the meantime, in between writing articles (Look for my interview with Sherri Dupree-Bemis of Eisley in the next week!), I've been hitting up the comedy clubs, doing research for my own show! Yep, I booked a show, as part of the open competition at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank, CA! I've been watching other comics and paying attention to their styles, how they walk the stage, how they handle the mic, etc. I even watch them before they go on stage. I'm doing a few open mics this coming week, trying to get ready and work on some material so I can go out there on the 7th and KILL! I'm really excited!

My husband pointed out to me that all these great things have been happening to me in just a little over a month! There was the studio tour, that led me to meeting the writers of "2 Broke Girls", then I started improv class at iO in Hollywood, I got an Emmy-award winning writer to agree to read my pilot "Jersey Did It" and give me feedback, I got feedback from a former SNL writer, I went to Conan as a VIP and met Conan and he flirted with me, won a contest through HBO for the show "Girls", won several contests just by retweeting a link and got free tickets to go to both the Laugh Factory and the Comedy Store, got to meet and get great advice from Nyima Funk, who wrote for Nick Cannon's "Wild & Out", met several people from the show "Mash Up", including Marc Evan Jackson, met Larry Joe Miller from "According to Jim", Keegan-Michael Key (a huge comedic inspiration), talked to Kelly Oxford and Jenny Johnson, met Brent Morin, who's a stand-up comedian and starring in a tv show for NBC in the fall, oh, and met my current obsession/comedic inspiration Chris D'Elia from the show Whitney. I've seen him perform three times now and got to talk to him twice. Conversations. He knows me by name. He hugged me. Are my eyes x's yet??

There have been a few other things that I'm not reporting yet.

Oh! And I have a writer's workshop with Brian Stack from Conan tomorrow. Then improv on Sunday.

It's great to finally be busy and not bored.

I saw Dane Cook live! Surprised the hell out of the crowd this week!

Chris D'Elia killin' it!

Me and Brent Morin. Has one of the funniest sets you'll ever see! Really nice guy too!

Chris D'Elia and me, outside of the Laugh Factory in West Hollywood. Love this guy so damn much. Don't worry, Bry was there and Bry thinks he's pretty cool too!

Yep, this happened! Everybody was freakin' hilarious! 

Maribeth Monroe and Andy Cobb. Yes, she's on Workaholics, one of the funniest shows on TV. They're part of The 313 improv. Saw the show twice now at Second City.

This is what I won from the HBO show "Girls". It was all Hannah had written for her book. Also, that same frame is on her wall in her apartment on the show.

One of my articles on HelloGiggles.com

The first time I met Chris D'Elia, at the Comedy Store. One of the greatest nights of my life. I introduced myself and he goes "Oh, I know you from your tweets!" and I said "Yeah, I probably tweet at you too much, I'm not a stalker or anything" and he goes "No, it's cool" and he laughed. When I saw him a week later with  Bry at the Laugh Factory, we were talking outside and I said "I'm way calmer this time. I think I said some stupid shit last time" and he said "Don't worry about it, no you didn't" and he gave me a hug. Sweet guy. 

My lovely friend Comedienne Carmen Barton offered to make this flyer for my show! She took time out of her uber busy schedule to make this for me! Love her to death! She's going to be on NickMom Night Out soon!

Larry Joe Campbell from "According to Jim", and part of The 313 improv!

Me and Nyima Funk and her adorable little baby boy, Moze! This was after another 313 show.

I met Keegan-Michael Key! What a great guy. We talked for a few minutes after The 313 show at Second City. He thought it was cool I was from Second City in Chicago!

Sorta Exciting updates

While I'm waiting around for something, anything to happen, I think I'm going to keep my writing sharp by writing short stories.

I used to write short stories all the time, you know, before I became a mom and started watching too much tv. And I have time to write, it's not like I'm 24/7 busy. Yes, it is tiring taking care of 3 small children, but there are times when they don't want to be bothered by me. They have each other to play with in their room full of Lalaloopsy dolls, toy dishes and play food. Did I mention that we also have every children's movie that has come out in the past 5 years on blu ray? Yeah, they don't need me 24/7. I do, however, have to listen out for "Owwww!" or "I'm not playing with you anymore!".

At night I have plenty of time to write, though I'm usually quite sleepy around 7pm. Again, I have 3 small daughters, all 3 under the age of 7!

Life has been exciting, when I do get to go out of the house. I got to meet Conan O'Brien yesterday. I was in the audience of his show and got to sit on the front row and after the show, he comes into the audience singing the "End of the show" song, which is hilarious! As he came back down the stairs, past me, he came over and shook my hand! I said "I love you!" he said "I love you too"! Then he started doing that growl thing that he does at female guests, towards ME. Best day of my life. Next to, you know, that wedding thing and the having-kids thing.

If you know me, you know what Conan means to me. I saw him live in Chicago back when I was pregnant with Anneka, almost 7 years ago at the Chicago Theater. Then, I saw him with my mom back in December while she was visiting from Chicago, then I saw the show once again less than a month ago and ran into some of the writers of the show, which was awesome.

I have several people reading my pilot "Jersey Did It", about a young woman who has too much money, but gets bored easily, and is afraid of too many things, which hinders her life. Sound familiar? Well, not the money thing...regardless, I hope I get good feedback on it!

Later Gators.

My "It's Always Sunny" spec snippet

The opening scene of a spec script I wrote for "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia":



INT. BAR - DAY

Sweet Dee and Dennis are having an argument that has gotten really heated.

DEE

You’re an idiot.

DENNIS

You’re an idiot!

CHARLIE

What are we, little kids here?

DENNIS

You shut up Charlie!

DEE

Yeah, shut up!

DENNIS

Well he’s right, it’s a stupid argument! I could obviously get rich quicker than you could!

DEE

No way! Nope. I’m an actress!

DENNIS

So what?!

DEE

I could get a movie, and then pow, overnight millionaire!

DENNIS

Not gonna happen! I, obviously, as the smarter sibling, have more usable talents. I can use tools, hell, I built my own tree house as a kid! Without the help of an adult even, which makes me smarter!

CHARLIE

Ooh, he got you there, Dee!

DEE

How could that possibly make you rich?! Besides, besides...if I remember correctly, the thing broke underneath you and you fell to a horrible near-death!

CHARLIE

Ohhh!

DEE

He needed stitches and dental surgery and everything!

CHARLIE

Whoa, really? That’s pretty bad!

DEE

Making me the winner by default!

DENNIS

Winner of what?!

DEE

I could get rich quicker than you could!

All of a sudden, they hear a large crash. The bar’s floors shake and bottles fly off of the shelf.

They look scared for a moment, then go back to arguing.

CHARLIE

Earthquake?

DENNIS

In Philadelphia?!

CHARLIE

It could, I mean...

DEE

I could to get rich! I could be just hanging out here and all of a sudden, ring, ring...Hello? Yes? Who is this? Steven Spielberg?!

DENNIS

Steven Spielberg isn’t going to call you! He doesn’t know who you are! Why would he call you?! 

DEE

He could call me! And boom, millionaire!

DENNIS

I could be a model! I could get scouted at the mall!

DEE

Highly unlikely!

DENNIS

With this bone structure?! It could happen, it could happen!

Charlie goes over to the bar and picks up a bottle then puts it on the counter.

CHARLIE

He could possibly be a model. I mean, I think.

DENNIS

Really?

CHARLIE

I mean, yeah. Maybe. You do have those cheekbones.

Dennis pulls out a mirror from his pants pocket and starts admiring his cheekbones.

DEE

Charlie?!

CHARLIE

What? I’m just saying...

DEE

I could get a movie, just like that!

DENNIS

It hasn’t happened yet!

DEE

Well you haven’t used any of your ‘usable talents’ to get rich either, you douche!

DENNIS

Do we really need to name call? Are we children?

CHARLIE

Okay, okay...

Both Dee and Dennis seem to pout, like children.

Stupid texts to my poor husband (while he was at work)...

My Best Tweets!

My Best Tweets

(Real tweets from my Twitter account from 2009-2012)

I gotta stop calling people 'douche whistles'.

I wanna be a manager. Manage a young rapper by the name of Lord Swaggington.

My Instagram still being down is making me Insta-angry. Instamad. Making my day instabad? #badraplyrics

#ThingsToNeverAskADJ So what do u do for a living? Not this, right?

Why is everyone saying YOLO? You only live once?? Does no one believe in reincarnation?!!

I wanna supermoon you. (Whole ass, plus some front)

Things get on your nerve, threaten to punch it. Even if it's attached to you. Or in your face. #toothache

U know, Lana Del Rey...people wouldn't hate u if u were talented

Rain on Wednesday? L.A. think she's Chicago. Silly bitch. You're not Chicago!

 Whore score and 7 years ago, I was a whore who scored.

 If I had a boat, I'd throw you off that motherslucker...Natalie Wood style...OMG #WENTTOOFAR #CRYING #SORRYDEARNATALIE

U got ABC hopes with a basic cable brain.

"Feliz Dia de Turkey de los Muertos"! Isn’t that Spanish for “Happy Thanksgiving”??

You can slap cinnamon into a biscuit but that don't make it a scone! #deliciouslydisappointed

We need to occupy Sesame Street. No protest...just it looks like a fun place to occupy! I wanna hang out at Hooper’s store with Chris and Abby Caddaby! You do too, don’t lie!

U think Arnold's mistress went around telling people 13 years ago "I'm Schwarzepreggers!"

Bin Laden probably got found out by checking in on #foursquare.

Bin Laden tweeted a pic of himself at that mansion and forgot about the geotagging feature.

I love my Kindle. Yes, I've woken up in the middle of the night and seen it destroying real books, but whatever man, it’s totally boss!

Damn, almost choked on this 100 calorie pack cookie. Gonna sue the shit outta Nabisco. Or the writers of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

I just pooped so much that I lost like 50 lbs. I am now a petite size 4.

Tired and Such

So I'm playing the little curly-haired girl in Charlie Brown Christmas at the TreStage theater in Hollywood!  We open next week! I'm so excited! Live theater is such a rush. Better than drugs! Or so I heard...

I've been really enjoying taking pics with this iPhone 5. It's really quite awesome. It's the best friggin' phone with the best friggin' camera. Shut up, Samsung Galaxy users!

This post is going to be super-short because I'm kinda tired. I have other things to say, but you know, I'm tired and such. Laters!

P.S. Bry is fixing ornaments on the Christmas tree and one started falling and he caught it and said to it "whoa whoa whoa, where are you going?!". I'm over here rolling!

But It's Cool Tho...

I had a little bit of family drama today, but I'm cool. This is the same person who does this quite often, so I'm used to it. No point in even getting all upset like I used to. I'm a grown woman now and his words can't affect me the way they used to. Moving on.

I try to keep drama out of my life. I got rid of a negative person from my life recently because I realized that all she was looking for was drama and negativity. Besides, when you start to realize you can't stand being around someone or when your phone rings you think "I hope it's not her", it's probably time to just let that friendship go. I didn't miss the ghetto stories, the "that dude ain't shit" stories or the "nigga please" stories or the "I know what I did was stupid, but I love him..". I keep that stuff out of my life entirely. That's why I don't watch Tyler Perry movies. That crap just annoys me now.

Besides, you start to realize that some people are just talk. Plain and simple. I feel happier, freer without certain elements in my life. Just because someone is blood related to you, doesn't mean you have to take their abuse. Just because you've known someone most of your life doesn't mean you have anything in common or even on the same page.

And I'm sick of biting my tongue and worrying what people think of me or are saying behind my back. I grew up wondering who was talking about me behind my back. That's all bullshit now. I realized if I don't want to deal with certain people, I don't have to, and I'm not going to feel guilty for not calling someone or hanging out with someone. If you don't like a person, then just leave them alone!

I live a pretty drama-free life here in L.A. Yeah, sometimes it gets a little dull, but thank God I have so much stuff coming up to keep me busy, things won't be dull anymore. Bry and I have been exploring L.A. on our own, without the kiddies. Thank God for my family visiting so much! My mom referred to me and the girls as her "4 Princesses". That made me smile. My family actually misses me. That's pretty awesome. I miss them, and I miss Chicago, but I don't miss the cold. Or the snow. Oh God, the snow. Thank God I don't have to deal with that this winter!!!

A scene from a sitcom I created called "Jersey Did It"

Here's a scene from a tv show I created called "Jersey Did It", which is about a young woman who lives in L.A. and is the daughter of actor parents. She lives off of their money and her irrational fears of everything keep her from having a normal life. It's a sitcom and I've already written 3 episodes...hopefully coming to a tv screen near you! This scene is from the pilot:

EXT. DINER - DAY

Jersey walks outside with Gavin. She looks at her cell phone.

GAVIN

Expecting a call?

JERSEY

Never. I was checking the time.

GAVIN

Got somewhere to be?

JERSEY

Just wondering if I have time to drop off this check to my bitch sister before the storm begins.

GAVIN

Storm? There’s not gonna be any storm. This is L.A. in the summer...there’s no storm.

JERSEY

The news said there was going to be a storm.

GAVIN

Why are you freaking out over a storm? You’ll be driving! Just take an umbrella! What, are you afraid you’ll melt?

He laughs hysterically at his own joke.

JERSEY

Will you go with me?

GAVIN

I have an audition.

JERSEY

Oh. You’re trying that acting thing again?

GAVIN

Uh. Sorta.

JERSEY

What’s the audition for?

GAVIN

You know, it’s a thing. There’s this thing...a product.

JERSEY

A commercial? Ooh! I hope you get it, those dealies pay a lot. And if it’s a national commercial, you can pay your rent. My friend Artista did this national phone sex commercial a few years back, boy, it sure did buy her a lot of drugs.

GAVIN

Okay, okay, it’s not a commercial. It’s an open call for background work.

JERSEY

Like an extra? Like, you’ll be standing in the background drinking coffee, having a fake conversation under your breath while real actors with real lines are walking past you?

She laughs.

GAVIN

Hey! It pays nicely too! Minimum wage, but it’s more than I’m getting paid writing scripts in the diner on your laptop! Why don’t you ask your sister if they need someone to work on her show?

JERSEY

I’m not asking that hoe bag for any favors. She’s so full of herself. Ooh, look at me, I have a hit show...blah blah blah...

GAVIN

At least mention me, and that I’m a screenwriter??

JERSEY

Okay, okay, I’ll help a brother out...

GAVIN

I don’t think...

JERSEY

Ooh, I’ll pay you! Come work for me, Gavin!

GAVIN

Doing what?

JERSEY

Odds and ends. I have spiders that need to be killed...you can run this check to my bitch sister! 

GAVIN

Why are you dropping off a check to your sister anyway?

JERSEY

I said I’d go halfsies on a anniversary present for our parents that she already bought.

GAVIN

I’m not going to be a personal assistant for someone who doesn’t have a job. Besides, we’ve been friends for too long, I really don’t see that ending well. 

JERSEY

Come on, Gavin! I need an assistant! I’d rather have someone I can trust!

GAVIN

So you can bug my underwear Jersey?! No thank you!

JERSEY

I would never bug your underwear! My friend Artista might though. She has, uh, what’s it called? That thingy you get from too much sex with skeezy guys and you can see bugs literally crawling around in your underjunk...

GAVIN

I love you Jersey, I’d like to keep it that way. Besides, I can’t spend too much time with you. Small doses, Jers. Small doses.

JERSEY

Why does everyone keep saying that to me?!

She begins to whine.

All of a sudden, a single raindrop falls down and hits her in the eye.

JERSEY

Did you see that?!

GAVIN

I didn’t...what?

JERSEY

A raindrop! Screw it, I’m not going all the way to Santa Monica in a rain storm!

GAVIN

You’re from New York, for Gilligan’s sake! You should be used to the rain!

JERSEY

Dude, I’ve been in L.A. too long! Too much sunshine makes you forget...

GAVIN

Too much sunshine made you build up an irritational fear of rain?

JERSEY

Walk me to my car.

The two walk down the street.

JERSEY

Maybe if I just got in and sat there until the storm ended.

GAVIN

There is no storm! The sun is out!

JERSEY

I’m like, way too scared right now. Like, way...too...scared.

She starts to breathe heavily.

JERSEY

I’ll pay you double whatever you had in mind!

GAVIN

I didn’t have anything in mind because I don’t want to work for you! Bye, Jersey!

He walks away quickly.

JERSEY

Gavin, we are no longer friends! Come back, Gavin! Well, fine, screw you then, man! I hope your day gets ruined too! I hope you get run over by a car! A smelly one! (beat) A spider attacked me this morning!

He continues to walk away into the distance. 

She looks up into the clouds and jumps into her car, scared.

"Jersey Did It" a sitcom

(c) 2012 Angie Grace/Scenestealer Productions

My "Hunger Games" sketch

So, for those of you who have seen "The Hunger Games" or read the books, you know that scene where Katniss has found Peeta and they're in the cave all hugged up together? Yeah, I wrote a ridiculous sketch about it:

KATNISS

Peeta, are u dead yet? Hey, I have a gluten sensitivity. Like, all the bread you've ever given us, has given me diarrhea.

PEETA

Are u questioning the cleanliness of my bakery?

KATNISS

No, u don't hear me...I'm allergic to wheat flour. Bread is made with wheat flour...I get diarrhea every time I eat it. I just thought you should know, in case, you know, you die, I wanted to get that off my chest.

PEETA

So in case we die, you had to let me know that?

KATNISS

In case you die...I'm not gonna die. I'm the girl who's on fire.

PEETA

Why did you keep eating the bread if it makes you sick??

KATNISS

I mean, this is the hunger games! Beggers can't be choosers, you know?

PEETA

Great. I made you sick. That's just great.

(Silence)

KATNISS

Hey, Peeta...u dead yet?

PEETA

No...(visibly upset)

KATNISS

You remember a few years back, and I was in the rain, starving to death, and you came outside and threw me that burnt bread that u were supposed to give the pigs?

PEETA

Yes, yes, I remember Katniss.

KATNISS

I was up all night with diarrhea. I even threw up.

PEETA

Look, I'm sorry! Can we just not talk anymore??

KATNISS

Sure, I'm sorry. I'll leave you alone.

(Long silence)

Hey, Peeta...u still alive?

(He sighs)

I just have one question...then I'll leave you alone, okay??

PEETA

Okay, what?

KATNISS

Why do u still smell like bread??

PEETA

What?!

KATNISS

I mean, you haven't baked bread in like, what, 2 weeks?

PEETA

Wow.

KATNISS

I mean, Peeta...we left District 12 weeks ago...they bathed and groomed you in the capitol...you've been in the forest, lost, for over a week. You should smell like death, especially with your wounds, laying here, dying! You still smell like fresh baked bread!

PEETA

Katniss, I'm dying...

KATNISS

But you smell like croissants...

(Sniffing him)

Peeta...are u dead?

(He plays dead)

(She gets up and begins to walk away)

Even in death, he smells like fresh baked bread.

Can You Hashtag in a Blog?

My mouth hurts.

It's been 2 weeks since I had all 4 wisdom teeth removed, and I must say, this pain is a vast VAST improvement. But I am just taking a few Motrin here and there. It's more like soreness now, as opposed to pain.

I've been making these videos for Youtube, using my phone. And it's just random jokey shit I'm doing around the house, no big woop, but I did this jokey thing about Sarah Palin and all these people on Twitter were all "You're a moron" this and "You're vile" that and "Obama's gonna lose" this so I told them, uh...what they can do with their butt and a plunger. Too far?

And right now Bry is carving a pumpkin and he's being so meticulous about this shizz and it's taking FOREVER and I just wanna go in the living room and watch Dexter, man! I mean! We were out all day, so I guess the time to do this would be now, but whatever...I'm over here jonesin' for some Dexter.

Oh well. I'm keeping him company in the dining room while the artist works. Every now and then we say words to each other. #bored

Is there a point in hash-tagging something in a blog??

My new Youtube:

www.youtube.com/AngieGraceComedy

Out.

15 Things I plan to do with my recovery time...

Okay, so I'm getting my wisdom teeth removed tomorrow morning. Then, after that, Bry, the husband, has 5 days off from work so I can recover. I plan to be in the bed moaning and in pain, or so he thinks. Really, in my mind, I'm going to be chilling and taking a mini-vacay. Here is a list of things I plan on doing while Bry is in the other room taking care of our 3 kids:

1. Watching the funniest DVDs of failed tv shows that I own: The Sarah Silverman Project, Stella, Clone High and Clerks: Uncensored. Yeah, boy!!

2. Netflix! I still need to catch up on Pretty Little Liars! My auntie Carol keeps going "Catch up! It gets really good!"

3. Crank texting people. I'm going to text random 213 and 323 (L.A. area) numbers and be like "I found a script at a Starbucks. It's really good" or "I saw you the other day in Hollywood. You're really hot".

4. Work on my comedy writing portfolio.

5. Pretend to be asleep everytime hubby comes in the room with a crazy question like "Should I give them dinner now" or "What should I cook them for dinner?" or "Are you in pain?"

6. Call Bry on his cell phone from my cell phone everytime I need something, like ice cream or a glass of water.

7. Finish reading this Mindy Kaling book then find something else to download and read from the Kindle store. I'm think Sarah Silverman's "The Bedwetter".

8. Come up with ideas for the play Lisa and I are going to write and put on somewhere here in L.A. sometime in the near future.

9. Text my mom and aunts, saying that I can't talk cause my mouth is too hurty.

10. Play with my Lalaloopsy dolls uninterrupted, without the kids. Ani is always trying to take Jewel Sparkles from me! Dammit!

11. Call my mom and just moan. Make her feel sorry for me, then maybe, perhaps, she'll move her happy ass out here to L.A. I can't even imagine any reason why she'd want to stay there when her awesome lovely daughter lives here. I mean, come on!

12. Play Scramble with Friends on my Kindle and my cell. Yep, both things. Have you played that game? Hella fun!

13. Create a wish list of things I want from Forever 21.

14. Figure out what I'm going to do for the rest of the year. Yes, some people need real plans. I need a real plan. I'm thinking of taking another writing class, this time at I.O. west, and buying up a whole set of yoga classes over here in Silver Lake. Gotta get ready for pilot season!

15. Tweet at celebs, begging them to read my blog. Yep, No shame. No shame at all.

Laters.

My SNL 'Celebrity Jeopardy' sketch I wrote for class...

CELEBRITY JEOPARDY
The contestants are Clint Eastwood, Sean Connery and Lady Gaga.

ALEX TREBEK

And we’re back for Double Jeopardy...for some reason. In the commanding lead, with a negative $4000, is Clint Eastwood.

CLINT EASTWOOD

Has anyone ever told you you look like Alex Trebek?

ALEX TREBEK

No. Never. In second place, with a negative $10,000 is Lady Gaga.

LADY GAGA

Hi my Little Monsters! Put your paws up!

ALEX TREBEK

And in last place, Sean Connery.

SEAN CONNERY

Dead last! You think I’m going away, don’t you, you pompous tart! 

ALEX TREBEK

Let’s just get this over with. Here are our categories...’Potent Potables’, ‘Chewable Vitamins’, ‘Vegetables’, that’s when I show you a picture of a vegetable, and you tell me what it is. Heads up, every one of them is the vegetable broccoli. Broccoli. ‘Colors that End in ‘Red’’, ‘Organisms’, which we should just skip, ‘What You Did Today’ and ‘At the Movies’. Mr. Eastwood, you’re in the lead, so you go first.

CLINT EASTWOOD

Um...hmm...ummm....hmmm...(grunts)...hmmmm...mmmm...mmm...hmmmm...

ALEX TREBEK

Lady Gaga, please pick a category.

She has changed outfits, now wearing a fur bikini, ripped fishnet pantyhouse hanging around her neck like a scarf, and a Green Bay Packers cheese hat on her head.

LADY GAGA

I think everyone should believe in themselves. Remember, you were born this way, baby!

ALEX TREBEK

Mr. Connery.

SEAN CONNERY

I’ll have orgasms for $14 grand.

ALEX TREBEK

That’s not what that says.

SEAN CONNERY

Your mother took an orgasm last night, in my bed, you ponce!

ALEX TREBEK

Colors that end in Red, for $200. This color is the color red.

Lady Gaga buzzes in.

LADY GAGA

It’s the color of passion. It’s the color of blood. Everyone has blood in their veins...passion and emotion is why I do what I do. I do this for My little monsters!

Beep beep.

ALEX TREBEK

No. Anyone? Anyone? You don’t even need to buzz in. Just blurt out the color. Just yell “red”!

Buzzer.

ALEX TREBEK

And your parents should be ashamed of you all.

CLINT EASTWOOD

Is it halftime in America yet?

ALEX TREBEK

What?

CLINT EASTWOOD

I’ll take Orgasms for $100, well, I can afford it...give me, uh...$200.

ALEX TREBEK

You don’t have to pay money out of your pocket.

He looks over and Lady Gaga has on another outfit, this time she’s wearing a Pigeon on her head and a bra that has pyramids on her boobs.

ALEX TREBEK

How did you change so quickly again?? Lady Gaga, pick a category.

LADY GAGA

Yes, I will. And I’ll make my little monsters proud. I’ll take At the Movies for $500, Alex.

ALEX TREBEK

This movie took Marty McFly ‘Back to the Future’.

Clint Eastwood buzzes in.

CLINT EASTWOOD

What is Mrs. Eastwood and Company?

ALEX TREBEK

No, that’s the horrible reality show that involves your wife.

Sean Connery buzzes in.

ALEX TREBEK

Sean Connery.

SEAN CONNERY

I have a reality show that involves your mother...it’s called a sex tape! Ooh!

Sean laughs hysterically.
Buzzer.

ALEX TREBEK

Back to the Future. Back...to the future. You know what, screw this.

He tears up the cards in his hands.

ALEX TREBEK

On to Final Jeopardy!

CLINT EASTWOOD

Is this the second half?

ALEX TREBEK

That category is...you know what...I’ll make one up! Uh...draw a smiley face! Just one! Perhaps two! It can even be a frowny face, which is what I’d draw right about now. You can give the little face hair, I don’t care. Just draw a circle, two eyes perhaps. It doesn’t matter. You don’t even have to give it a mouth and you’ll still win!

The jeopardy music begins. Everyone appears to be thinking really hard.
The music ends and Alex goes over to Lady Gaga, who has again, changed clothing. She now appears to be completely nude.

ALEX TREBEK

Lady Gaga, what happened to your clothes?!

LADY GAGA

People need to learn to be free, stop letting the constraints of society shackle you down to an antiquated notion of...

ALEX TREBEK

(cutting her off)

I said draw a smiley face, and you wrote...

Shows her answer. It’s nothing but slogan phrases that she says.

ALEX TREBEK

You wrote “Go for it”, “Be the best”, “Little Monsters”, “Put your paws up” and “Marriage equality”. You wagered “I was born this way, baby”. I hope not.

He walks away from her as she begins putting her hands up in a pawing motion towards him.
Alex walks over to Clint Eastwood, who is having a conversation with a chair.

CLINT EASTWOOD

(to the chair)

You said you would drive home. I really don’t want to go home yet. Maybe we can stop off somewhere...throw back a few cold ones at a bar. Well you can’t drink if you’re driving...I’m just saying...

ALEX TREBEK

Everyone should be worried about you.

He walks away to Sean Connery.

ALEX TREBEK

And all of the hopes of this game ride on Mr. Connery, whom I do not have high hopes for. I said draw a smiley face, or some sort of face...

He looks over Sean’s podium.

ALEX TREBEK

And I cannot show that on television.

SEAN CONNERY

That’s a face, you pompadore! 

ALEX TREBEK

Yes, it is. 

SEAN CONNERY

Show the good people what the face is doing...did I mention that that is your mother’s face? And guess what she’s doing with her face??

ALEX TREBEK

(cutting him off)

I’m Alex Trebek, and I will be looking for a new job tomorrow. Good night!

Sean Connery laughs hysterically.

"Give it a Go, Right Right": a sketch

Okay, so for those of you who know me, or follow my blog, you know that I've been taking a writing class at Second City in Hollywood. Actually, I started taking improv and acting at Second City in Chicago, and now I'm in Sketch comedy writing here. This is a sketch I wrote and was acted out in class this past Sunday. Oh, and keep in mind, they all have very thick British cockney accents!:

NBC ANNOUNCER

Coming to NBC this fall...for

those of you who love Downton

Abbey and Dr. Who, comes the first

British sitcom, written by

Americans, for Americans! “Give it

a Go, Right Right!”

INT. MIDDLESEX LIVING ROOM -

Grandmum, her daughter, (Mum) Katherine, and her husband

(Dad) Cedric, sit in the living room.

Grandmum is in a big dirty armchair. Mum and Dad are on

the couch.

MUM

I could eat.

DAD

You could eat?

MUM

I could.

GRANDMUM

I could eat.

DAD

You could eat?

GRANDMUM

Right right.

DAD

Right right.

MUM

Right right.

GRANDMUM

Give it a go, then, love.

MUM

Right right.

ANNOUNCER

From the writers of “Gary

Unmarried”, “American ‘Coupling’”

and “100 Questions” come “Give it

a Go, Right Right”, starring Chase

Masterson as Cedric Middlesex!

Ashley Haverbrook as Victoria

Elizabeth Middlesex, American soap

opera actress Haley Townsend and

as the family matriarch, Gladys

Flannery, as Grandmum.

Cedric and Katherine’s teenage daughter, dressed in all

black and a skull cap with her hair in her face, comes

into the living room and throws herself down into her

mother’s seat.

She has on a Beatles t-shirt.

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

What? What’s everybody gawking at?

DAD

You going out then, love?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Huh?

GRANDMUM

You going out?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

What?!

Mum walks back into the room.

MUM

Anybody wanna go for some bangers

and mash?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Ugh.

GRANDMUM

I was thinking ‘a eating up on

some fish and chips.

DAD

Fish and chips?

MUM

I got bangers, I got mash!

DAD

Bullocks! Fish and chips!

MUM

Bob’s your uncle! You lazy bum!

DAD

I’ll box your ears, right I will!

She throws a cookie at Cedric.

DAD

You throw a biscuit at me?

MUM

I threw a biscuit at ye! Be bloody

happy I didn’t throw the tea with

it!

She looks at her daughter.

MUM

You get up alright, then?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

I’m up, I’m up.

MUM

Go on then. Get dressed, right?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Right right.

Victoria Elizabeth doesn’t move.

MUM

Victoria Elizabeth Middlesex!

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Right right!

She gets up.

DAD

Put on some nice trousers, then.

GRANDMUM

No one turned on the tele!

DAD

You turn on the tele!

GRANDMUM

You turn on the tele! I can’t find

ye clicker!

MUM

You lazy bum. Always sitting on ye

bum!

DAD

What I gotta do to see the bloody

quidditch game?

MUM

Turn on the tele then! Find the

clicker, right right?

GRANDMUM

Go on then, right right?

MUM

Give it a go, then.

GRANDMUM

Give it a go!

DAD

You give it a go!

Victoria Elizabeth comes back into the room, wearing a

nice pair of trousers and a British flag sweater on.

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Right right?

MUM

I like those trousers!

DAD

Right right!

GRANDMUM

Right right! You going out with

your mates then?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Yea, I’m going out with me mates.

DAD

Where ya gonna go then?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Muse concert. Then to Picadilly

square. Then to Trafalgar square.

Then to, uh, see the queen? I need

me some quid, mum.

MUM

Quid?

GRANDMUM

Queen?

The dad looks around.

DAD

Uh... Blokes?

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Blokes??

Victoria Elizabeth looks confused for a moment.

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Oh, yeah...blokes!

They all look awkwardly at the camera.

NBC ANNOUNCER

Because Americans are really into

British stuff, “Give it a Go,

Right Right”!

GRANDMUM

I used to hang out in flats with

me mates and me blokes. And we’d

snog and shag til dawn!

MUM

Mum!

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Grandmum!

Dad laughs.

DAD

Right right!

Victoria Elizabeth looks disgusted.

GRANDMUM

The blokes were arse over elbow

for me in me day, (slight southern

accent) I reckon...

Realizes she’s gone into a slight southern accent.

They all look awkwardly at the camera again, as if

waiting for the NBC announcer again.

DAD

Uh...Big Ben. That’s there, uh,

here, right?

MUM

(also slipping out of

her accent for a

moment)

So is Notre Dame!

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Uh...oh bugger!

Mum and Dad nod in approval of her choice of British slang.

GRANDMUM

The tele...we can watch the

Olympics! Woo! London!

They all shake their head in disapproval.

NBC ANNOUNCER

“Give it A go, Right Right”! From

the Producers of “Samantha Who”,

“Andy Richter Controls the

Universe” and “Mr. Sunshine”!

MUM

I thought you were gonna go out

with that bloke, Phillip Charles

Upton-upon-shire! The bloke from

Hobbiton??

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

I don’t know.

GRANDMUM

You should give it a go!

DAD

Give it a go, then, love!

MUM

Give it ago!

GRANDMUM

Give it a go!

VICTORIA ELIZABETH

Right right.

She leaves.

They stand there, looking awkward.

NBC ANNOUNCER

“Give it a go, Right Right”...only

on NBC...cause we’re still tryin’,

folks.

Things that are Pissing Me off right now (a numbered list)

1. I had to tell these kids 74889839849384 times to clean up their room. They're in bed now. The room is semi-clean.

2. I just killed an ant on my laptop with my own hand. I hate Southern California and it's always so warm weather. Well, not really. But I hate these fucking ants!

3. I have a wheat gluten sensitivity. I learned the hard way. My tummy hurts. Son of a bitch!

4. My phone keeps resetting. I'm not eligible for an upgrade until December 1st! Damn Sprint.

5. Bry has now worked almost 12 hours today! And he's still not home! Dammit.

6. Gas prices are over $5 a gallon! I'm selling my car and buying a horse and carriage.

7. Mia and Laila are in their room laughing loudly, while they're supposed to be asleep. I'm about to re-think my stance on spanking...I don't care what the studies show! I'm black, dammit!

8. I'm sick of the attention Jenny Johnson is getting on Twitter. Yeah, okay, she's funny. Yeah, she's wrong. Yeah, she makes me literally laugh out loud sometimes...wait...what was my point??

9. This toothache man! I'm sick of popping pain killers! I hate pills! We don't get along! I can't swallow them. Yes, I am a big baby. Shut up!

10. Did I mention the gas prices? What about the Jenny Johnson thing? Bry working so late? Uh...maybe there isn't a 10th thing to complain about...hmmm...uh....I'll get back to you.

Head Amputation and Other reasons I'm afraid of having my wisdom teeth removed...

Reasons I'm afraid to get my wisdom teeth pulled:

1. There will be an earthquake right after the dentist has pulled a tooth and the shaking of the Earth jumbles the tooth out of his hand and down my throat. I'll then choke and die. Hey, this is L.A., it could happen.

2. My face will be so swollen people will think I'm fatter than I actually am. (especially through a car window. That'll be that one time Josh Hutcherson is in the next car.)

3. I'm afraid my dentist will try some over-the-shirt action while I'm asleep (or under the shirt...hey, I watch the news)

4. The dentist will trip and fall while I'm unconscious and accidentally knock into one of my other teeth, breaking it into a zillion pieces with a scalpel (or whatever they use to cut the tooth out of the gum. Don't tell me, seriously)

5. Afraid them bitches will grow back and I'll have to go through it all over again.

6. My kids will see me moaning and with a swollen face and think mommy has been bitten by some sort of monster and has turned into said monster.

7. The dentist will pull other teeth accidentally, instead of said wisdom teeth.

8. Pulling the wisdom teeth will make me dumb. (Lack of wisdom)

9. When he goes to pull the teeth, they'll disintegrate into a fine powder, therefore choking me. (I really should've had these bitches pulled a long time ago)

10. I'll end up with a surgery-related infection and will need to have my head amputated.