Wednesday, October 10, 2012

My SNL 'Celebrity Jeopardy' sketch I wrote for class...


CELEBRITY JEOPARDY
The contestants are Clint Eastwood, Sean Connery and Lady Gaga.


ALEX TREBEK
And we’re back for Double Jeopardy...for some reason. In the commanding lead, with a negative $4000, is Clint Eastwood.

CLINT EASTWOOD
Has anyone ever told you you look like Alex Trebek?

ALEX TREBEK
No. Never. In second place, with a negative $10,000 is Lady Gaga.

LADY GAGA
Hi my Little Monsters! Put your paws up!

ALEX TREBEK
And in last place, Sean Connery.

SEAN CONNERY
Dead last! You think I’m going away, don’t you, you pompous tart! 

ALEX TREBEK
Let’s just get this over with. Here are our categories...’Potent Potables’, ‘Chewable Vitamins’, ‘Vegetables’, that’s when I show you a picture of a vegetable, and you tell me what it is. Heads up, every one of them is the vegetable broccoli. Broccoli. ‘Colors that End in ‘Red’’, ‘Organisms’, which we should just skip, ‘What You Did Today’ and ‘At the Movies’. Mr. Eastwood, you’re in the lead, so you go first.

CLINT EASTWOOD
Um...hmm...ummm....hmmm...(grunts)...hmmmm...mmmm...mmm...hmmmm...

ALEX TREBEK
Lady Gaga, please pick a category.

She has changed outfits, now wearing a fur bikini, ripped fishnet pantyhouse hanging around her neck like a scarf, and a Green Bay Packers cheese hat on her head.

LADY GAGA
I think everyone should believe in themselves. Remember, you were born this way, baby!

ALEX TREBEK
Mr. Connery.

SEAN CONNERY
I’ll have orgasms for $14 grand.

ALEX TREBEK
That’s not what that says.

SEAN CONNERY
Your mother took an orgasm last night, in my bed, you ponce!

ALEX TREBEK
Colors that end in Red, for $200. This color is the color red.

Lady Gaga buzzes in.

LADY GAGA
It’s the color of passion. It’s the color of blood. Everyone has blood in their veins...passion and emotion is why I do what I do. I do this for My little monsters!

Beep beep.

ALEX TREBEK
No. Anyone? Anyone? You don’t even need to buzz in. Just blurt out the color. Just yell “red”!

Buzzer.

ALEX TREBEK
And your parents should be ashamed of you all.

CLINT EASTWOOD
Is it halftime in America yet?

ALEX TREBEK
What?

CLINT EASTWOOD
I’ll take Orgasms for $100, well, I can afford it...give me, uh...$200.

ALEX TREBEK
You don’t have to pay money out of your pocket.

He looks over and Lady Gaga has on another outfit, this time she’s wearing a Pigeon on her head and a bra that has pyramids on her boobs.

ALEX TREBEK
How did you change so quickly again?? Lady Gaga, pick a category.

LADY GAGA
Yes, I will. And I’ll make my little monsters proud. I’ll take At the Movies for $500, Alex.

ALEX TREBEK
This movie took Marty McFly ‘Back to the Future’.

Clint Eastwood buzzes in.

CLINT EASTWOOD
What is Mrs. Eastwood and Company?

ALEX TREBEK
No, that’s the horrible reality show that involves your wife.

Sean Connery buzzes in.

ALEX TREBEK
Sean Connery.

SEAN CONNERY
I have a reality show that involves your mother...it’s called a sex tape! Ooh!

Sean laughs hysterically.
Buzzer.

ALEX TREBEK
Back to the Future. Back...to the future. You know what, screw this.

He tears up the cards in his hands.

ALEX TREBEK
On to Final Jeopardy!

CLINT EASTWOOD
Is this the second half?

ALEX TREBEK
That category is...you know what...I’ll make one up! Uh...draw a smiley face! Just one! Perhaps two! It can even be a frowny face, which is what I’d draw right about now. You can give the little face hair, I don’t care. Just draw a circle, two eyes perhaps. It doesn’t matter. You don’t even have to give it a mouth and you’ll still win!

The jeopardy music begins. Everyone appears to be thinking really hard.
The music ends and Alex goes over to Lady Gaga, who has again, changed clothing. She now appears to be completely nude.

ALEX TREBEK
Lady Gaga, what happened to your clothes?!

LADY GAGA
People need to learn to be free, stop letting the constraints of society shackle you down to an antiquated notion of...

ALEX TREBEK
(cutting her off)
I said draw a smiley face, and you wrote...

Shows her answer. It’s nothing but slogan phrases that she says.

ALEX TREBEK
You wrote “Go for it”, “Be the best”, “Little Monsters”, “Put your paws up” and “Marriage equality”. You wagered “I was born this way, baby”. I hope not.

He walks away from her as she begins putting her hands up in a pawing motion towards him.
Alex walks over to Clint Eastwood, who is having a conversation with a chair.

CLINT EASTWOOD
(to the chair)
You said you would drive home. I really don’t want to go home yet. Maybe we can stop off somewhere...throw back a few cold ones at a bar. Well you can’t drink if you’re driving...I’m just saying...

ALEX TREBEK
Everyone should be worried about you.

He walks away to Sean Connery.

ALEX TREBEK
And all of the hopes of this game ride on Mr. Connery, whom I do not have high hopes for. I said draw a smiley face, or some sort of face...

He looks over Sean’s podium.

ALEX TREBEK
And I cannot show that on television.

SEAN CONNERY
That’s a face, you pompadore! 

ALEX TREBEK
Yes, it is. 

SEAN CONNERY
Show the good people what the face is doing...did I mention that that is your mother’s face? And guess what she’s doing with her face??

ALEX TREBEK
(cutting him off)
I’m Alex Trebek, and I will be looking for a new job tomorrow. Good night!

Sean Connery laughs hysterically.

4 comments:

  1. That was funny. I would love to see it acted out.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Literally laughed out loud!
    PS For whatever reason, I imagined LGG as herself, Bill Hader as Clint, and Darrell Hammond as Sean.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! I'd love to see that! Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it!

      Delete

Followers