Sunday, October 28, 2012

Can You Hashtag in a Blog?

My mouth hurts.

It's been 2 weeks since I had all 4 wisdom teeth removed, and I must say, this pain is a vast VAST improvement. But I am just taking a few Motrin here and there. It's more like soreness now, as opposed to pain.

I've been making these videos for Youtube, using my phone. And it's just random jokey shit I'm doing around the house, no big woop, but I did this jokey thing about Sarah Palin and all these people on Twitter were all "You're a moron" this and "You're vile" that and "Obama's gonna lose" this so I told them, uh...what they can do with their butt and a plunger. Too far?

And right now Bry is carving a pumpkin and he's being so meticulous about this shizz and it's taking FOREVER and I just wanna go in the living room and watch Dexter, man! I mean! We were out all day, so I guess the time to do this would be now, but whatever...I'm over here jonesin' for some Dexter.

Oh well. I'm keeping him company in the dining room while the artist works. Every now and then we say words to each other. #bored

Is there a point in hash-tagging something in a blog??

My new Youtube:

www.youtube.com/AngieGraceComedy

Out.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

15 Things I plan to do with my recovery time...

Okay, so I'm getting my wisdom teeth removed tomorrow morning. Then, after that, Bry, the husband, has 5 days off from work so I can recover. I plan to be in the bed moaning and in pain, or so he thinks. Really, in my mind, I'm going to be chilling and taking a mini-vacay. Here is a list of things I plan on doing while Bry is in the other room taking care of our 3 kids:

1. Watching the funniest DVDs of failed tv shows that I own: The Sarah Silverman Project, Stella, Clone High and Clerks: Uncensored. Yeah, boy!!

2. Netflix! I still need to catch up on Pretty Little Liars! My auntie Carol keeps going "Catch up! It gets really good!"

3. Crank texting people. I'm going to text random 213 and 323 (L.A. area) numbers and be like "I found a script at a Starbucks. It's really good" or "I saw you the other day in Hollywood. You're really hot".

4. Work on my comedy writing portfolio.

5. Pretend to be asleep everytime hubby comes in the room with a crazy question like "Should I give them dinner now" or "What should I cook them for dinner?" or "Are you in pain?"

6. Call Bry on his cell phone from my cell phone everytime I need something, like ice cream or a glass of water.

7. Finish reading this Mindy Kaling book then find something else to download and read from the Kindle store. I'm think Sarah Silverman's "The Bedwetter".

8. Come up with ideas for the play Lisa and I are going to write and put on somewhere here in L.A. sometime in the near future.

9. Text my mom and aunts, saying that I can't talk cause my mouth is too hurty.

10. Play with my Lalaloopsy dolls uninterrupted, without the kids. Ani is always trying to take Jewel Sparkles from me! Dammit!

11. Call my mom and just moan. Make her feel sorry for me, then maybe, perhaps, she'll move her happy ass out here to L.A. I can't even imagine any reason why she'd want to stay there when her awesome lovely daughter lives here. I mean, come on!

12. Play Scramble with Friends on my Kindle and my cell. Yep, both things. Have you played that game? Hella fun!

13. Create a wish list of things I want from Forever 21.

14. Figure out what I'm going to do for the rest of the year. Yes, some people need real plans. I need a real plan. I'm thinking of taking another writing class, this time at I.O. west, and buying up a whole set of yoga classes over here in Silver Lake. Gotta get ready for pilot season!

15. Tweet at celebs, begging them to read my blog. Yep, No shame. No shame at all.

Laters.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

My SNL 'Celebrity Jeopardy' sketch I wrote for class...


CELEBRITY JEOPARDY
The contestants are Clint Eastwood, Sean Connery and Lady Gaga.


ALEX TREBEK
And we’re back for Double Jeopardy...for some reason. In the commanding lead, with a negative $4000, is Clint Eastwood.

CLINT EASTWOOD
Has anyone ever told you you look like Alex Trebek?

ALEX TREBEK
No. Never. In second place, with a negative $10,000 is Lady Gaga.

LADY GAGA
Hi my Little Monsters! Put your paws up!

ALEX TREBEK
And in last place, Sean Connery.

SEAN CONNERY
Dead last! You think I’m going away, don’t you, you pompous tart! 

ALEX TREBEK
Let’s just get this over with. Here are our categories...’Potent Potables’, ‘Chewable Vitamins’, ‘Vegetables’, that’s when I show you a picture of a vegetable, and you tell me what it is. Heads up, every one of them is the vegetable broccoli. Broccoli. ‘Colors that End in ‘Red’’, ‘Organisms’, which we should just skip, ‘What You Did Today’ and ‘At the Movies’. Mr. Eastwood, you’re in the lead, so you go first.

CLINT EASTWOOD
Um...hmm...ummm....hmmm...(grunts)...hmmmm...mmmm...mmm...hmmmm...

ALEX TREBEK
Lady Gaga, please pick a category.

She has changed outfits, now wearing a fur bikini, ripped fishnet pantyhouse hanging around her neck like a scarf, and a Green Bay Packers cheese hat on her head.

LADY GAGA
I think everyone should believe in themselves. Remember, you were born this way, baby!

ALEX TREBEK
Mr. Connery.

SEAN CONNERY
I’ll have orgasms for $14 grand.

ALEX TREBEK
That’s not what that says.

SEAN CONNERY
Your mother took an orgasm last night, in my bed, you ponce!

ALEX TREBEK
Colors that end in Red, for $200. This color is the color red.

Lady Gaga buzzes in.

LADY GAGA
It’s the color of passion. It’s the color of blood. Everyone has blood in their veins...passion and emotion is why I do what I do. I do this for My little monsters!

Beep beep.

ALEX TREBEK
No. Anyone? Anyone? You don’t even need to buzz in. Just blurt out the color. Just yell “red”!

Buzzer.

ALEX TREBEK
And your parents should be ashamed of you all.

CLINT EASTWOOD
Is it halftime in America yet?

ALEX TREBEK
What?

CLINT EASTWOOD
I’ll take Orgasms for $100, well, I can afford it...give me, uh...$200.

ALEX TREBEK
You don’t have to pay money out of your pocket.

He looks over and Lady Gaga has on another outfit, this time she’s wearing a Pigeon on her head and a bra that has pyramids on her boobs.

ALEX TREBEK
How did you change so quickly again?? Lady Gaga, pick a category.

LADY GAGA
Yes, I will. And I’ll make my little monsters proud. I’ll take At the Movies for $500, Alex.

ALEX TREBEK
This movie took Marty McFly ‘Back to the Future’.

Clint Eastwood buzzes in.

CLINT EASTWOOD
What is Mrs. Eastwood and Company?

ALEX TREBEK
No, that’s the horrible reality show that involves your wife.

Sean Connery buzzes in.

ALEX TREBEK
Sean Connery.

SEAN CONNERY
I have a reality show that involves your mother...it’s called a sex tape! Ooh!

Sean laughs hysterically.
Buzzer.

ALEX TREBEK
Back to the Future. Back...to the future. You know what, screw this.

He tears up the cards in his hands.

ALEX TREBEK
On to Final Jeopardy!

CLINT EASTWOOD
Is this the second half?

ALEX TREBEK
That category is...you know what...I’ll make one up! Uh...draw a smiley face! Just one! Perhaps two! It can even be a frowny face, which is what I’d draw right about now. You can give the little face hair, I don’t care. Just draw a circle, two eyes perhaps. It doesn’t matter. You don’t even have to give it a mouth and you’ll still win!

The jeopardy music begins. Everyone appears to be thinking really hard.
The music ends and Alex goes over to Lady Gaga, who has again, changed clothing. She now appears to be completely nude.

ALEX TREBEK
Lady Gaga, what happened to your clothes?!

LADY GAGA
People need to learn to be free, stop letting the constraints of society shackle you down to an antiquated notion of...

ALEX TREBEK
(cutting her off)
I said draw a smiley face, and you wrote...

Shows her answer. It’s nothing but slogan phrases that she says.

ALEX TREBEK
You wrote “Go for it”, “Be the best”, “Little Monsters”, “Put your paws up” and “Marriage equality”. You wagered “I was born this way, baby”. I hope not.

He walks away from her as she begins putting her hands up in a pawing motion towards him.
Alex walks over to Clint Eastwood, who is having a conversation with a chair.

CLINT EASTWOOD
(to the chair)
You said you would drive home. I really don’t want to go home yet. Maybe we can stop off somewhere...throw back a few cold ones at a bar. Well you can’t drink if you’re driving...I’m just saying...

ALEX TREBEK
Everyone should be worried about you.

He walks away to Sean Connery.

ALEX TREBEK
And all of the hopes of this game ride on Mr. Connery, whom I do not have high hopes for. I said draw a smiley face, or some sort of face...

He looks over Sean’s podium.

ALEX TREBEK
And I cannot show that on television.

SEAN CONNERY
That’s a face, you pompadore! 

ALEX TREBEK
Yes, it is. 

SEAN CONNERY
Show the good people what the face is doing...did I mention that that is your mother’s face? And guess what she’s doing with her face??

ALEX TREBEK
(cutting him off)
I’m Alex Trebek, and I will be looking for a new job tomorrow. Good night!

Sean Connery laughs hysterically.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

"Give it a Go, Right Right": a sketch



Okay, so for those of you who know me, or follow my blog, you know that I've been taking a writing class at Second City in Hollywood. Actually, I started taking improv and acting at Second City in Chicago, and now I'm in Sketch comedy writing here. This is a sketch I wrote and was acted out in class this past Sunday. Oh, and keep in mind, they all have very thick British cockney accents!:


NBC ANNOUNCER
Coming to NBC this fall...for
those of you who love Downton
Abbey and Dr. Who, comes the first
British sitcom, written by
Americans, for Americans! “Give it
a Go, Right Right!”

INT. MIDDLESEX LIVING ROOM -

Grandmum, her daughter, (Mum) Katherine, and her husband
(Dad) Cedric, sit in the living room.
Grandmum is in a big dirty armchair. Mum and Dad are on
the couch.
MUM
I could eat.
DAD
You could eat?
MUM
I could.
GRANDMUM
I could eat.
DAD
You could eat?
GRANDMUM
Right right.
DAD
Right right.
MUM
Right right.
GRANDMUM
Give it a go, then, love.
MUM
Right right.

ANNOUNCER
From the writers of “Gary
Unmarried”, “American ‘Coupling’”
and “100 Questions” come “Give it
a Go, Right Right”, starring Chase
Masterson as Cedric Middlesex!
Ashley Haverbrook as Victoria
Elizabeth Middlesex, American soap
opera actress Haley Townsend and
as the family matriarch, Gladys
Flannery, as Grandmum.

Cedric and Katherine’s teenage daughter, dressed in all
black and a skull cap with her hair in her face, comes
into the living room and throws herself down into her
mother’s seat.
She has on a Beatles t-shirt.

VICTORIA ELIZABETH
What? What’s everybody gawking at?
DAD
You going out then, love?
VICTORIA ELIZABETH
Huh?
GRANDMUM
You going out?
VICTORIA ELIZABETH
What?!

Mum walks back into the room.

MUM
Anybody wanna go for some bangers
and mash?
VICTORIA ELIZABETH
Ugh.
GRANDMUM
I was thinking ‘a eating up on
some fish and chips.
DAD
Fish and chips?
MUM
I got bangers, I got mash!
DAD
Bullocks! Fish and chips!
MUM
Bob’s your uncle! You lazy bum!
DAD
I’ll box your ears, right I will!

She throws a cookie at Cedric.

DAD
You throw a biscuit at me?
MUM
I threw a biscuit at ye! Be bloody
happy I didn’t throw the tea with
it!

She looks at her daughter.
MUM
You get up alright, then?
VICTORIA ELIZABETH
I’m up, I’m up.
MUM
Go on then. Get dressed, right?
VICTORIA ELIZABETH
Right right.

Victoria Elizabeth doesn’t move.

MUM
Victoria Elizabeth Middlesex!
VICTORIA ELIZABETH
Right right!

She gets up.

DAD
Put on some nice trousers, then.
GRANDMUM
No one turned on the tele!
DAD
You turn on the tele!
GRANDMUM
You turn on the tele! I can’t find
ye clicker!
MUM
You lazy bum. Always sitting on ye
bum!
DAD
What I gotta do to see the bloody
quidditch game?
MUM
Turn on the tele then! Find the
clicker, right right?
GRANDMUM
Go on then, right right?
MUM
Give it a go, then.
GRANDMUM
Give it a go!
DAD
You give it a go!

Victoria Elizabeth comes back into the room, wearing a
nice pair of trousers and a British flag sweater on.

VICTORIA ELIZABETH
Right right?
MUM
I like those trousers!
DAD
Right right!
GRANDMUM
Right right! You going out with
your mates then?
VICTORIA ELIZABETH
Yea, I’m going out with me mates.
DAD
Where ya gonna go then?
VICTORIA ELIZABETH
Muse concert. Then to Picadilly
square. Then to Trafalgar square.
Then to, uh, see the queen? I need
me some quid, mum.
MUM
Quid?
GRANDMUM
Queen?

The dad looks around.
DAD
Uh... Blokes?
VICTORIA ELIZABETH
Blokes??

Victoria Elizabeth looks confused for a moment.

VICTORIA ELIZABETH
Oh, yeah...blokes!

They all look awkwardly at the camera.

NBC ANNOUNCER
Because Americans are really into
British stuff, “Give it a Go,
Right Right”!

GRANDMUM
I used to hang out in flats with
me mates and me blokes. And we’d
snog and shag til dawn!
MUM
Mum!
VICTORIA ELIZABETH
Grandmum!

Dad laughs.
DAD
Right right!

Victoria Elizabeth looks disgusted.
GRANDMUM
The blokes were arse over elbow
for me in me day, (slight southern
accent) I reckon...

Realizes she’s gone into a slight southern accent.
They all look awkwardly at the camera again, as if
waiting for the NBC announcer again.

DAD
Uh...Big Ben. That’s there, uh,
here, right?
MUM
(also slipping out of
her accent for a
moment)
So is Notre Dame!
VICTORIA ELIZABETH
Uh...oh bugger!

Mum and Dad nod in approval of her choice of British slang.

GRANDMUM
The tele...we can watch the
Olympics! Woo! London!

They all shake their head in disapproval.

NBC ANNOUNCER
“Give it A go, Right Right”! From
the Producers of “Samantha Who”,
“Andy Richter Controls the
Universe” and “Mr. Sunshine”!
MUM
I thought you were gonna go out
with that bloke, Phillip Charles
Upton-upon-shire! The bloke from
Hobbiton??
VICTORIA ELIZABETH
I don’t know.
GRANDMUM
You should give it a go!
DAD
Give it a go, then, love!
MUM
Give it ago!
GRANDMUM
Give it a go!
VICTORIA ELIZABETH
Right right.

She leaves.
They stand there, looking awkward.

NBC ANNOUNCER
“Give it a go, Right Right”...only
on NBC...cause we’re still tryin’,
folks.


Things that are Pissing Me off right now (a numbered list)

1. I had to tell these kids 74889839849384 times to clean up their room. They're in bed now. The room is semi-clean.

2. I just killed an ant on my laptop with my own hand. I hate Southern California and it's always so warm weather. Well, not really. But I hate these fucking ants!

3. I have a wheat gluten sensitivity. I learned the hard way. My tummy hurts. Son of a bitch!

4. My phone keeps resetting. I'm not eligible for an upgrade until December 1st! Damn Sprint.

5. Bry has now worked almost 12 hours today! And he's still not home! Dammit.

6. Gas prices are over $5 a gallon! I'm selling my car and buying a horse and carriage.

7. Mia and Laila are in their room laughing loudly, while they're supposed to be asleep. I'm about to re-think my stance on spanking...I don't care what the studies show! I'm black, dammit!

8. I'm sick of the attention Jenny Johnson is getting on Twitter. Yeah, okay, she's funny. Yeah, she's wrong. Yeah, she makes me literally laugh out loud sometimes...wait...what was my point??

9. This toothache man! I'm sick of popping pain killers! I hate pills! We don't get along! I can't swallow them. Yes, I am a big baby. Shut up!

10. Did I mention the gas prices? What about the Jenny Johnson thing? Bry working so late? Uh...maybe there isn't a 10th thing to complain about...hmmm...uh....I'll get back to you.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Head Amputation and Other reasons I'm afraid of having my wisdom teeth removed...

Reasons I'm afraid to get my wisdom teeth pulled:

1. There will be an earthquake right after the dentist has pulled a tooth and the shaking of the Earth jumbles the tooth out of his hand and down my throat. I'll then choke and die. Hey, this is L.A., it could happen.

2. My face will be so swollen people will think I'm fatter than I actually am. (especially through a car window. That'll be that one time Josh Hutcherson is in the next car.)

3. I'm afraid my dentist will try some over-the-shirt action while I'm asleep (or under the shirt...hey, I watch the news)

4. The dentist will trip and fall while I'm unconscious and accidentally knock into one of my other teeth, breaking it into a zillion pieces with a scalpel (or whatever they use to cut the tooth out of the gum. Don't tell me, seriously)

5. Afraid them bitches will grow back and I'll have to go through it all over again.

6. My kids will see me moaning and with a swollen face and think mommy has been bitten by some sort of monster and has turned into said monster.

7. The dentist will pull other teeth accidentally, instead of said wisdom teeth.

8. Pulling the wisdom teeth will make me dumb. (Lack of wisdom)

9. When he goes to pull the teeth, they'll disintegrate into a fine powder, therefore choking me. (I really should've had these bitches pulled a long time ago)

10. I'll end up with a surgery-related infection and will need to have my head amputated.

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