Friday, September 2, 2011

Paranoid Mommy Rant

I'm having a rough day. A really rough day. I'm trying to work on the contracts for the web series, making sure I understand every little bit of information SAG provided for me, while also trying to figure out this move to L.A., and take care of 3 sick little girls, oh, and did I mention I'm sick also?

It's weird how you can have so many days of being on cloud 9, then something pushes you off, sending you tumbling back down to the Earth. To this reality. The reality is...I am still in Chicago, I'm not where I want to be and I don't know how, as of right now, to fight off the "you can't do it" resounding loudly in my head. And I know this is all jibber-jabber, not trying to make a joke, but seriously, people around me will say "Keep your head up" and "you're allowed a bad day". Yes, I'm allowed a bad day, but when you've dealt with a lot of back-to-back bad days, you can't help but to wonder will there be more.

I've been happy, as of late. It hasn't been too hard to stay motivated when it comes to my career. Great things have been happening, but I do have moments of doubt. Can I do it? Will I fail? And I don't believe I'm necessarily fated to do something, or God has a plan for me, because if I were to look at it like that, it would allow me to be lazy. "Well, I'm meant to do this, it'll all work out". I can't rest. I won't stop. I have to look at my dreams like this "This is what I've wanted since I was a child...I have to fight for it". My whole life has been about the fight. People thinking I'm weak, thinking I can't do it. I've had people tell me "what are the odds of you becoming an actress?" or "only so few have the status of Angelina Jolie". I don't need the status of Angelina Jolie. I don't NEED fame. I need to WORK. I want to produce. I want to write. I want to edit. I want to be paid enough to take care of my children and provide them with what they need. I want enough money so they can go to college...and yes, all three will be in college AT THE SAME TIME!

So while people are wondering why I'm not busting my ass to go be somebody's secretary, guess what? That's not going to make me happy, therefore in turn, my kids won't be  happy, and that's not going to pay 3 college tuitions!

And while I'm on the subject of kids. I'm having the working mommy dillema. Putting the kids in daycare to work. This idea scares me shitless, because they were in daycare while I was in beauty school and I missed so many days because all three kept getting sick! So now, I'm terrified everytime it seems like they're getting sick. Right now, it's just stomach upset, but I've been checking their temperatures all day, praying no one has a fever.

Paranoid mommy rant, I know. Hey, I think that's what I'll name this blog post!


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