Tuesday, August 26, 2014

My Therapist Says...

I had this plan to try to blog everyday once the girls were in school, but things don't always go as planned. They are now in their third week of school and this is the first blog I've posted in forever. It's been at least a month since I even looked at this thing. But in my defense, a lot has been going on.

By a "a lot", I really mean "not much". I know. I just contradicted myself. It feels like nothing's been going on, I mean. No job, nothing exciting. I'm not doing any stand-up and tv show appearances. I haven't been on Inside Edition in over a month. Not that they don't want to use me or anything, it's just they haven't needed commentary on certain news stories, except one day last week. They called, but I had such a sore throat that my speaking voice wasn't normal. I was barely squeaking out words so I had to turn them down.

The first week of school, I was a little depressed. My twins started kindergarten and Ani started 2nd grade. It was just a reminder that they are growing up and there was nothing I can do about it. At least when Ani started kindergarten, I had the twins to focus on. Now, no one's at home for me to focus on. Except for me.

I started seeing a therapist. She wants me to focus on me. I'm so used to putting other people first, I've forgotten what I wanted. I've forgotten what I came out here to do before it's too late. Honestly, I never expected to be a mom, but I certainly never saw myself as this over-obsessive "helicopter" parent. I drop them off at school, then stand outside of the gate watching them in their respective lines. I dress all three of them alike everyday. I'm overly worried about if the twins are making friends and if their teacher is paying attention to them.

Focus on me? That's kind of a joke, right? Yes, I now have hours in the day where I can have a full thought uninterrupted, but what else am I supposed to be doing? I've been making money by Tweeting for major brands. I buy stuff cheap then sell them on eBay for profit. That's my business. That's what I've been doing to bring extra money into the house. But I haven't done stand-up in months, I haven't been on any auditions, and I haven't even been keeping up with this blog.

My therapist says I'm too hard on myself. She's right, I know. I put a lot of pressure on myself to do certain things and if I don't succeed, I kick myself when I'm down. This week I've felt much better about things. Last week I was sick and kept the girls home a few days because they were sick too. I spent those days laying around, taking medicine and eating very little. I lost a few pounds. This week, I'm reassessing and making myself "do". I have all of this time to do what I moved my family out here to do. And there's this voice in the back of my head that's sing-songing "Don't screw it  upppp". Well I'm telling that voice to FUCK OFF.

Was this entire post one big, long ramble? See...I'm still being too hard on myself. Don't tell my therapist.

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