So I've been fighting myself. I've been trying to make myself be more honest. What's the point in writing anything if it's not your own honest truth?
Yeah, so I'm sick...I have this bad chest cold that's kinda slowing me down. It's probably because I've been doing so much and not sleeping enough. I haven't really been this sick in a while. Well, I have this habit of being hurt by people, then forgiving them when they don't deserve to be forgiven, then I'm back in this cycle of "OMG, I really let you do this to me again". Whether it's my mother, my brother or my ex-best friend, I set myself up for getting hurt. What do they say about people who don't learn from their mistakes?
Then I don't share things, afraid to be labeled as petty or immature. I hold things in. And I didn't used to be like that, it's just I can't allow myself to dwell in things now. I have kids. I have a husband. I have a career. I have to keep my mind away from bullshit.
And I don't want to make this some long, sad, depressing bullshit. I haven't been depressed in a long time, mostly because things are going well. This has been the best year of my life. For those of you who don't know me that well or just started reading my stuff either on here or HelloGiggles, or follow my Tumblr, I used to be very depressed. I spent most of my childhood depressed. I was a little kid and my brother had what they called "an emotional problem". I was a little kid sitting under a table with my doll, sucking my thumb, while my brother yelled at, hit and threw things at my mom. I was left alone in my bedroom to deal with my own emotions.
My mother now no longer speaks to me after staying with me for 3 weeks in December and we got into it big time. I spent most of those 3 weeks not saying anything to her criticisms, her name-calling, her lack of respect for me in front of my husband and children or starting arguments between my husband and I. She left for Chicago without saying good-bye. This is the mother who said that if I get famous and write a book about her, she'd sue me.
I was a crazy teen, so they said. I cut. I attempted suicide. I spent 4 days in a mental hospital. I had a psych evaluation, and the doctor said all of the stuff that has been put on me was the reason for my sadness, and I didn't need to be on medication. And you know what, I was fine.
Living here in Los Angeles, with 3 little girls, every day I feel lucky. I wouldn't give this shit up for the world. This has been the best year of my life, for real. I got to meet some amazing people, some who were genuine and real. I've made some great friends in my improv classes, through other friends and even through Facebook. I met some of my heroes this year. I get to go to Malibu and put my feet in the Pacific Ocean any time I want.
My husband and I had issues. Some of them might have been due to our situation. But I can honestly say I haven't been happier. He's a good man with a great heart and the best father for my kids.
So when I hear that an ex-friend or my brother or my mother have said this or that about me, it really doesn't bother anymore. Earlier this year, I cried any time someone brought up my mother to me. I did that whole "Why doesn't she love me" crap that, I guess, a 32 year old woman shouldn't be crying about.
And this isn't a sad post. I'm not sad, though I'm sick and drinking tea right now while my husband strums the guitar on the couch next to me. After this, I'm going to work on some new jokes for my next stand-up gig. I just felt the need to be honest. To speak. To tell my own truth. And I really don't care if my mom reads this and gets angry at me again. And for those who are all "respect your mother" blah blah blah...I did. I used to. And my children will respect me not only because I'm their mother, but because I deserve respect because I love them unconditionally.
And to the old friend who's dogging me, calling me fat and everything else...it's cool. I'm here, I'm making waves, I'm doing my thing and you can't take that away from me. I'm 32, this isn't high school. Most importantly...I'm here. You're there. This is my everything. And I'm more motivated that ever.
Sorry that you have to deal with any of that b.s.! It's easier said than done, but you just gotta take it with a grain of salt and let it roll of your shoulders when people talk shit.
ReplyDeleteOne of the biggest lessons that I've learned myself—and that I am still learning—is to not things that I cannot control, control me. Ultimately, we have control over our own actions, reactions and how we deal with situations. Yes our actions have consequences and influences on others but we can't control if someone else is going to decide that they want to say something foolish or unwarranted or even how they react to something we do or say. That is their choice and their action. We ultimately only have control over ourselves. I believe in making ones' own happiness, or essentially, letting oneself to be happy and not denying ourselves happiness by focusing on the things that are bringing negativity in ones' life. It takes a lot of practice but gets easier over time.
Not sure if any of this is making any sense so I will stop before I just become a ranting lunatic.
I will probably delete this comment in the morning as well.
Hope you feel better!
"And to the old friend who's dogging me, calling me fat and everything else...it's cool. I'm here, I'm making waves, I'm doing my thing and you can't take that away from me. I'm 32, this isn't high school. Most importantly...I'm here. You're there. This is my everything. And I'm more motivated that ever." Love it. It can be really hard to have a lack of support from immediate family members, but you pulled through some really tough times and have your girls and husband as a prize. I'm happy for you and can't wait to see your shows.
ReplyDelete