Wednesday, February 20, 2013

My "It's Always Sunny" spec snippet

The opening scene of a spec script I wrote for "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia":



INT. BAR - DAY

Sweet Dee and Dennis are having an argument that has gotten really heated.

DEE
You’re an idiot.

DENNIS
You’re an idiot!

CHARLIE
What are we, little kids here?

DENNIS
You shut up Charlie!

DEE
Yeah, shut up!

DENNIS
Well he’s right, it’s a stupid argument! I could obviously get rich quicker than you could!

DEE
No way! Nope. I’m an actress!

DENNIS
So what?!

DEE
I could get a movie, and then pow, overnight millionaire!

DENNIS
Not gonna happen! I, obviously, as the smarter sibling, have more usable talents. I can use tools, hell, I built my own tree house as a kid! Without the help of an adult even, which makes me smarter!

CHARLIE
Ooh, he got you there, Dee!

DEE
How could that possibly make you rich?! Besides, besides...if I remember correctly, the thing broke underneath you and you fell to a horrible near-death!

CHARLIE
Ohhh!

DEE
He needed stitches and dental surgery and everything!

CHARLIE
Whoa, really? That’s pretty bad!

DEE
Making me the winner by default!

DENNIS
Winner of what?!

DEE
I could get rich quicker than you could!

All of a sudden, they hear a large crash. The bar’s floors shake and bottles fly off of the shelf.
They look scared for a moment, then go back to arguing.

CHARLIE
Earthquake?

DENNIS
In Philadelphia?!

CHARLIE
It could, I mean...

DEE
I could to get rich! I could be just hanging out here and all of a sudden, ring, ring...Hello? Yes? Who is this? Steven Spielberg?!

DENNIS
Steven Spielberg isn’t going to call you! He doesn’t know who you are! Why would he call you?! 

DEE
He could call me! And boom, millionaire!

DENNIS
I could be a model! I could get scouted at the mall!

DEE
Highly unlikely!

DENNIS
With this bone structure?! It could happen, it could happen!

Charlie goes over to the bar and picks up a bottle then puts it on the counter.

CHARLIE
He could possibly be a model. I mean, I think.

DENNIS
Really?

CHARLIE
I mean, yeah. Maybe. You do have those cheekbones.

Dennis pulls out a mirror from his pants pocket and starts admiring his cheekbones.

DEE
Charlie?!

CHARLIE
What? I’m just saying...

DEE
I could get a movie, just like that!

DENNIS
It hasn’t happened yet!

DEE
Well you haven’t used any of your ‘usable talents’ to get rich either, you douche!

DENNIS
Do we really need to name call? Are we children?

CHARLIE
Okay, okay...

Both Dee and Dennis seem to pout, like children.

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